Another Reflection

A dear friend of ours asked me recently if I had done my best, in bringing up my girls etc.  It was in the context of my facing my past failures and weaknesses, and making a covenant to be a man of true character.  At the time, I said yes (of course!  Although only the day before I had been acknowledging to Liz the realisation that I had NOT done my best - that when I look objectively, I can see how I must have made choices - eg, to just give up because the pain of arguing was too much, - I still remember saying to myself, "If you can't beat them, join them".)  I have since thought about it and realise that my answer was totally wrong.  Wrong by reason of the facts, and wrong by reason of the spirit behind that answer. 

As I look back, I clearly see that I entered adulthood without an identity.  That is evident by the eccentricities I adopted, my clothing, speech, mannerisms.  I was extremely immature and without a clue as to who I was.  I somehow ended up needing affirmation from others to feel good, and became a people-pleaser.  I guess that was how I ended up smoking for a few months and even using marijuana for a time (in 1983).

In my first marriage I eventually stopped really saying what I thought, and gave in "for the sake of peace", (except that I would also then become angry and we would argue), and I let too many things pass unattended, whether it was things that physically need repairing, cleaning that needed to be done, paying of bills, filing important things diligently, or relationships that needed to be worked at.  I became an ostrich with my head in the sand.  I stopped being diligent and responsible.  I saw things that were not right, but didn't take hold of my leadership to take responsibility for fixing them.  In my heart and mind I blamed my wife, when in reality I knew that it takes TWO.  I recently spoke with my ex-wife and apologised for giving up on her and on the marriage.  In reality, I have to admit that I had actually given up on life and lost my proudly-held integrity.

After that marriage collapsed, I knew I should resign as a pastor and focus on the children, as their primary care-giver.  But I listened to advice (that underneath I knew was wrong) to "walk through it".  I made many wrong choices in that time.  My children ended up more neglected than ever, and this by the parent who CLAIMED to be the one who truly cared and could make the difference.  What a hypocrite!!!  I could have made the difference and I did not.

Then I met Liz.  Suddenly my world opened up again.  But I had not dealt with the baggage of my past.  So I brought into this relationship my hurts and prejudices, my judgments from my former marriage, and put them onto Liz.  I made many errors of judgment and choice in this time.  I made promises of purity to Liz.  I had made promises of service to God.  I believed I was a man of integrity and character.  I think I broke all my promises to God, Liz, my children and myself.

I promised to take our relationship slowly.  I think I started using the word "love" within a couple of weeks, and it was my lack of self-control that led us into a physical relationship before we should.  I promised big changes in many ways, but everything I started I didn't finish, as has been a habit of mine for too many years.  Liz begged for us to postpone the wedding until we were both ready, but I was too gutless and too wilful to do so.

I was "the man of God" - we ended up not even going to church for a time, and my compromises pulled us both down so it affected our relationship with God and the church for a long time. 

I allowed fears to control me.  Fear of losing Liz, fear of confrontation, probably fear of exposure as a fraud and hypocrite.  For a long time I had not really shared what was in my heart.  So in my relationship with Liz, if I disagreed with her over anything, especially the children, I just agreed with her.  Liz was accustomed to speaking the truth.  So the message I gave her was that I didn't really care, and that I was a liar. Over time, she would challenge me about how I felt, because she could tell that I disagreed.  But I denied my differences.  I would cover up my true thoughts.

When our relationship started breaking down, it was easy for my daughters to feel my pain, and to think Liz was the aggressor, because the masks of righteousness and gentleness and patience was so well worn by me, that they would feel sorry for me.  I was good at living in self-denial and self-pity.  I made Liz look bad and made me look good.  That is not very loving, for a husband who claims to put his wife first in everything!!!

With our relationship collapsing, when our children spoke to me about their perceptions of it, I eventually opened up with some of the hurts and bitternesses I was carrying.  This eventually led to BIGGER problems between us, and Liz was totally betrayed and trapped in what must have seemed like a prison.

Because I was so good at self-pity, it seemed obvious to my girls that Liz was the aggressor.  The truth is that I was at fault and welcomed their ears and voices.  They believed she was wrong, because they saw how I felt but didn't know the truth of the situation.  Liz put up with my rubbish, and I honour her for that.

I left her devastated - trapped in a marriage where she could no longer believe or trust me .

I am reading books now that show me clearly - where I thought Liz was this or that, I see where the masks I wear are happy to hide the truth of who I am.  Who would want to live with someone who was not who they said they were?

I started doing "The Love Dare" - designed to last 40 days.  It took me about 6 months because I have been so poor at finishing what I started.  When I reached Day 1 again, I saw myself in a much different light from before.  Day 1 talks about patience.  The first time through, I thought I was patient - having believed all the nice things said about me many years ago.  I saw myself suffering patiently, waiting for Liz to be "healed" etc.  What I didn't see was that I was full of self-pity, self-righteousness and judgmental anger, well-developed in my first marriage and now directing me in my relationship with Liz.  What a hypocrite I was!!!

I looked at my life, and had to face the truth of who I had become.  I am ashamed to confess, as I confessed to God and to Liz, that I was guilty of the following sins:
Breaking promises, impatience, lust, seduction, backsliding, not seeking help for us before we married (as a real man of responsibility would have), control, manipulation, impurity, resentment, shutting down, not sharing my honest opinions (ie, lying and deceiving), covering my sins, gossip, covering my gossip, involving others (including our children) in our struggles (you NEVER involve your children in a parental relationship issue!!!), self-justifying, self-righteousness, critical spirit, and probably others I haven't mentioned.

I am now learning to "talk straight".  I am learning to trust God and put Him again at the centre of my life.  I have left Liz devastated - the man she knew she could trust and depend on proved untrustworthy and selfish, with wonderfully self-deceiving masks (of patience, humility, kindness, righteousness, caring, generous, forgiving, giving, and being genuinely concerned - that all had festering unholy sores of sinfulness underneath them), so that I looked good and Liz didn't; but all the time she was trying to deal with the fallout in my family from my years of neglect and hypocrisy.  Because she cared for us and was determined to make a difference in my girls' lives.  She could see where I had ignored and abandoned them, and it grieved her heart deeply.  In my foolishness I saw her desire for a better life for us, as control: what a fool I really was!

Please support us and pray.  We need healing.  I have made a choice to change, breaking off the old patterns and masks.  I plead to my girls, please see that although it was easy to see Liz' faults and jump to my emotional defence in your hearts, she was simply trying to hold a family together and bring order and balance, since I wasn't because my head was too firmly entrenched in the sand.  There are 2 sides to every story.  Please don't just see my side.  See where I left her desperate for peace and devastated by my betrayal of her trust.  Please see that the largest part of our breakdown was my neglect, my running to hide. 

We are carefully and slowly rebuilding.  We are not at odds any longer.  But my breaking of trust will make it all so much longer to heal.  Please understand that we are working on it.  We have turned a good corner, by God's grace. 

All I ask is that you seek to see from Liz' perspective, not just mine.  And support and encourage her - and remember - your Dad is not perfect, and never shall be!!!!!

Listen To The Bells

Listen to the bells,

Listen to the bells

Jingling and ringing

With the joy of Christmas time

Listen to the bells

Merrily they ring

Singing Hallelujah

To the newborn King.

Angels sang and shepherds came

And wise men bowed their knee;
Joseph and Mary in a stable with their baby,
Jesus Christ our King.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Glory to his name.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Glory to his name.

Listen to the bells,

Listen to the bells
Jingling and ringing
With the joy of Christmas time
Listen to the bells
Merrily they ring
Singing Hallelujah
To the newborn King.

 Christmas trees and jingle bells

And carollers singing of presents and snow:
Signs that remind us that He came to find us
That Christmas so long, long ago.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Glory to his name.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Glory to his name.
 

©2008 Michael Scott-Branagan

Attitude of Gratitude (Song)

I choose an attitude of gratitude,

No empty words of platitudes

An attitude of gratitude

Deep down in my soul.

My life is filled with twists and turns;

My heart’s been bruised and cut and burned;

No excuses left to give:

Just love to share and life to live.

I’m looking at the good things

The lovely, noble, beautiful;

I’m talking ‘bout the good things:

Kissed negative talk goodbye!

I choose an attitude of gratitude,

No empty words of platitudes;

An attitude of gratitude

Deep down in my soul.

When they write the plaque upon my grave

Will they see my life as full of praise?

“Couldn’t say a bad word about anyone”

“He was kind and patient, strong and true.”

Time and chance come to everyone

It’s how I choose to live under the sun;

Anger and bitterness are easy to find

By choice I leave all that behind.

I choose an attitude of gratitude,

No empty words of platitudes;

An attitude of gratitude

Deep down in my soul.

©2011 Michael Scott-Branagan

God I Trust In You (new song)

God I trust in you
O my God I trust in you
I rejoice and I sing
To Jesus my king
Because my God I trust in you.

I'm shouting and singing with gladness
Knowing I don't have to hide
You're my protector
God you defend me
Jesus I'm safe at your side

And I sing ...
God I trust in you
O my God I trust in you
I rejoice and I sing
To Jesus my king
Because my God I trust in you.


Surrounded and covered with favour
A shield and fortress to me
Loving you Jesus
Praising my Saviour
You've opened my eyes to see.

I'm singing ...
God I trust in you
O my God I trust in you
I rejoice and I sing
To Jesus my king
Because my God I trust in you.

@M.Scott-Branagan 2011

Taken from one of the many texts that have been my strong encouragement this year:
Psalm 5:11-12 (NKJV)
But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; Let those also who love Your name Be joyful in You.
[12] For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; With favor You will surround him as with a shield.

When we say he defends us, it's not against people that we mainly need defending. It's usually our own imaginations and emotions that need dealing with (well mine, anyway!)

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (NKJV)
For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,
[5] casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,

The battlefield is in my mind and in my imaginations. What I see and hear is not necessarily the truth. It is my perception of the truth at the time.
How do I react to the events in daily life?
Do people really mean what I think they do? How do I interpret their words?

1 Corinthians 15:56-57 (NKJV)
The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. [57] But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

The victory is over my sinful heart and my reactions and thoughts. When I win there, Satan has lost his ground.

In my own life I have often been tormented by the drama of life as my thoughts paint it to me. I have discovered that my thoughts are often wrong. I have to discipline myself to step back from the actions and words that hurt or offend me, and choose to change the way I look at them. Yes, sometimes people may be nasty. But usually they are not: its just my own rejection telling me so.

But regardless, I have the power to change MY response and stop the cycle of offense and hurt from destroying my own inner peace.

Yes, bad things happen. And yes, I make the choice to no longer let those things control how I feel. I will control my own feelings and my own thoughts. By God's grace I can be Master of my own destiny and of my own heart. And make sure of keeping my sanity.

In the words of another scripture based song I wrote: "I will rejoice ..." no matter what!

A Reflection I needed to have

Quiet time reflection.

Boxes. Judgments. Assumptions.

Reading last night, I saw how we interpret people's words/actions without all their information. We assume then we put them into that box. Our interpretation of today's dealings with them is biased by yesterday's judgment. My psychologist says we turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our future relations with them are determined by our interpretation which is real to us, but may not be real to them. But it locks us into strains and stresses that needn't be there if we will just break out of the habit of box-making.

We all need to learn the truth of 1 Cor 2:11,
"For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him?"

How often have I created issues first in my mind, and THEN by my reactions, in my relationships with others? We need to learn not to respond based on our own flawed view of past experiences. I need to listen, and to also be not afraid to share my own thoughts.

The book I am reading is showing me that my own reaction to these things is to become silent. That silence can be read by others as disapproval, judgment, hatred, whatever their box tells them. For me it is confusion and not finding words to say. I must break out of that fear to enter into genuine loving open communication that builds trust and assurance.

Two points where I frequently hurt those I love, are shown to me by the same book:

1. Assumptions. I assume you feel this or that, and I take on hurt or react accordingly. I think it's something to do with me being "needy" in a way. If my security is internal, I won't feel insecure when you have a different opinion or a complaint about me or someone close to me. If I don't ASSUME what you are saying, I will be free to listen to everything you say with interest, and will be free to interact with you about it instead of either suppressing my opinions or trying to finish your sentences (usually incorrectly!) for you.


2. Absence. When I make assumptions and live in internal fear and conflictions about life, I retreat internally. I become "absent". You could often say about me, "The light's on but nobody is home". This is a hard one for me to break, as it is now a deeply ingrained fault. But I confess it as one of my sins to my wife and children, and ask you all to bear with me and give me grace as I work to overcome it.


Today's chapter of Proverbs (ch 11) says in v.27,
"The one who searches for good finds favour,
But if someone looks for trouble, it will come to him."

Let us all be looking for the good and not the bad.

Peace, man!

Your Kingdom Come

The so-called “Lord’s Prayer” says, “Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven”. 

I used to really struggle with all the “Kingdom” talk, prayers, quotes.  I wanted to understand what the “Kingdom” was all about.  I was a Christian, a committed one.  I loved God and really knew a lot of the Bible.  But the concept of the “Kingdom” just seemed that bit elusive to me.  God’s kingdom is not of this world.  It is just that little bit too intangible to successfully put your finger on it, if you are trying to define it.  Jesus’ own explanations didn’t really help: the kingdom is “like” this or “like” that … and they would be parables or analogies.

Paul wrote to the church in Rome, “The kingdom of God is not about material needs (food and drink issues) but about righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.”

Righteousness is about our relationship with God, not just about being “good”.  It is the position God gives us when we come to Him for salvation.  He forgives us and declares us to be “right”, or pardoned and no longer guilty.  That releases us into a relationship with Him, and really righteousness is the result of that: we are in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP with God.  That then puts the onus onto us to LIVE in the reality of that relationship, staying clean, staying right.  But we do that BECAUSE He has made us right.

Peace comes as the result of living in right relationship with God.  The angels proclaimed to shepherds after Jesus’ birth, “Peace on earth, goodwill to men.”  The word “peace” is the Greek word eirenos, which was used by Hebrew scholars 2000 years ago to translate the Hebrew shalom.  Shalom was a common greeting, often interpreted as “Peace be with you”, but its real meaning is one of completeness: ie, “May it be well with you – your life, health, family, relationships, prosperity.”  Shalom radiates the awareness of a loving, healing, generous, protective God overshadowing us.  Paul wrote that God’s peace will actively guard our hearts.  Eirenos, or shalom, is restoring and healing and reconciling us, healing what was broken and bringing us back to wholeness, internally and in our relationships.

Joy is not simply a state of subjective elation.  Rather, it is the quietly strong positive outlook that will sustain us through the darkest valleys and lift us to the heights of praise on the mountain top.  It does not depend on good times and positive stimuli, but is a quality from the heart of God which connects with our faith and becomes the stimulus within that will help restore us to the positive. 

So when we pray, “Your kingdom come … “ it is not a hazy appeal to some other place that somehow can never quite be touched, like the proverbial carrot on a stick hanging from a donkey’s harness.  It is the reality of a cleansing relationship with our loving Creator, the completeness of his peace restoring us, and the igniting of an internal joy that will help us go beyond the pain, the frustration, the torment of our memories and of our present, and find a new way to live, a new way to talk, a new way to look at the life we have, a new way to face each day.