Day 23 LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS

This is an interesting one to think about. A husband's role is Protector. A father's role is the same.

When my children were younger, I was very good at enforcing the rules. Cheekiness was banned. Never a movie with even the hint of language (even "crap" was unacceptable for this dad).

But I look back and think I was more an enforcer of right and wrong than anything else. I don't believe my motivation was really that of Protector. Many things that happened and affected various ones of my girls could have been dealt with or prevented, if only I had understood the role of Protector.

In the first 2 years of my marriage to Liz, there were times I didn't protect her - from tensions within the home, from certain situations that seriously endangered her health, and by not standing with her 100% and thus not giving her the security I should have. I believe I have become more aware of this role, and I am sure my heart is different now in this regard.

But this chapter of the Love Dare takes us a step further.

The authors declare that husbands and wives must protect each other, and they challenge our thinking about what this entails.

Satan has an assignment AGAINST marriage because of its importance to God. So he throws every weapon he has against us. But often these are sneaky and insidious ways.

The Authors point out these areas in which we need to protect our partners and our marriage:

Harmful influences.
Habits, time wasters, work schedules.
TV, Internet, etc. Things that pull us away from healthy interaction at home. Even good hobbies can damage the health of a relationship if they are allowed to interfere too much with our time together. Often in today's society, cyber relationships (friends on the Internet) can impact on the communication within the home. Who do I spend most time with?

Unhealthy relationships.
We must choose our friends wisely. Not all our friendships are healthy for our marriages. A special danger we must guard against is opposite-sex friendships. My deliberate choice has been to avoid close friendships with women other than Liz, except where it is our friends as couples together. Even then, my main friend will always be the husband. It's safest that way. I don't ever want anyone to come between Liz and me.

Shame.
This is an issue I have always been very sensitive towards. God's Word says that love covers a multitude of sins. Replace "sins" with faults and mistakes, and you can see God's heart. Every person matters to God, and I believe His plan for us is that we cover each other's weaknesses and faults in love. Not turning them into objects for ridicule or publication. I must protect my wife in these things. If she makes a mistake or slips up in some way, my job is to protect her. Not telling others about her faults but PROTECTING her from shame.

When we had our emotional crash and I was at my lowest point, I talked about our issue with family other family members. This was 100% WRONG!! I should have been protecting Liz, not exposing her to hurt.

My role, regardless of all other influences, is to protect Liz and our family. No matter what. That is my choice. And I am truly sorry for the times I didn't protect Liz - emotionally, physically, in any way I let her down.

Day 22 LOVE IS FAITHFUL

This dare isn't talking about the obvious - avoiding adultery - it is about being constant and consistent in loving my wife, no matter what happens. Whether she is responsive or not; whether she loves me in return or turns away for a time; continuing to faithfully give my love in all weather.

Now we are going really well in our relationship. But there were long periods of time which were rocky. For various reasons. The second time I went through the Love Dare, I was really searching my heart. This is what I wrote:

"Day 22 Love is faithful
"Faithful to God, faithful in loving Liz all the time. Not being influenced by feelings of rejection or hurt, but loving Liz unconditionally in all of our good AND bad times.
" reading:
"A good tree can't produce bad fruit.
A bad tree can't produce good.
So every bad fruit in my life comes from a bad root. Every good fruit comes from a good root.

"What are the bad fruit in my life?
What are their roots?
Can they be traced back to a judgment of some sort on one of my parents? (or both)

"Why if I know Gods love do I feel so insecure?
"Why do I need Liz' affirmation?
"Why do I need to please people?
"Why can't I firmly hold my own opinions?
"Why do I put my head in the sand?
"Why do I put off important or urgent tasks?
"Why is confrontation such a big issue for me?"

In this chapter of The Love Dare, the author brings in the story of the prophet Hosea, with his wife who rejected his love, but God called Hosea to remain faithful.

I never doubted Liz' faithfulness. I knew she loved me. But various factors, some caused by me, had put terrible pressure on our relationship.

So I think what happened was that I interpreted things she said and did to be rejection of me. I think also that maybe things I said and did made her also feel rejected and unloved.

What I see now is that love doesn't react. It stays faithful. Faithful includes the word "faith". So true faithfulness must include hope which is an element of faith.

Therefore for me, my challenge is to always seek to bring hope into our family life and into our relationship. To always be quietly faithful, dependable. Not forcing my presence or my opinions. Just faithfully there for Liz, no matter what comes our way. To be a rock she can depend on.

Day 21 LOVE IS SATISFIED IN GOD

Following on from the last 2 days' discussions about our need for God in our lives, we have today's Dare: where do we find our satisfaction, our fulfillment?

If only God can do the impossible and help me to love my wife unconditionally, guess what that also means?

It means she can't love me unconditionally without His help either! It also points out the fact that there are plenty of other things Liz cannot do for me, and that I cannot realistically expect of her.

She cannot give me inner peace ( it comes from God), true satisfaction (same), real contentment (comes from Him), and other things besides.

Liz is not God. She is, like me, a flawed human being. There are plenty of things we CAN give each other. But first and foremost my satisfaction and contentment in life must derive from my relationship with God. Only then can I bring peace, joy etc into our home. When I have found the secret of "abiding in Him".

So today's dare is to press deeper into my relationship with God. To worship, read his Word, commune with Him.

Then as I read many years ago in a book entitled "When the Spirit comes", (Colin Urquhart), my teapot will be not only filled, but continually refilled to overflowing. Then I will have input of eternal value, and inner resources of the best kind to bring into my relationship with Liz and with our family.

Day 20 LOVE IS JESUS CHRIST

Today's dare is a challenge to the many who read through this book, desperate to save their marriages, but not knowing Jesus Christ personally.

The points we have considered have challenged our thinking about ourselves, about life, about our partners, about the balance of responsibility, about many things. The author brought us to see (yesterday) that we cannot hope as humans to ever truly love unconditionally for all our lives. We are not capable. It is humanly impossible. Only God can love like that. Only God can equip us to love in that way.

This leads into today's dare. The challenge is extended to those who are doing it without God in their lives: accept the Lord Jesus Christ into your life. Acknowledge his Lordship and bow your knee to Him. Make Him the Lord of your life, and then see Him work the changes He wants to make in you. Then with Christ in me, I have a greater chance to be a better husband, parent, friend, citizen, a better person.

The challenge to those of us who already have Christ in our lives must then be similar. If Christ is supposed to make a difference in my life, how did I end up needing to do The Love Dare?

Because I am a flawed human being still, and I need Him working in my life more than ever. I can see that although I love God, devoted my life to His service, held titles and roles that made me appear as if I was perhaps a spiritual rock, there were cracks in my armour, faults in my perception, weaknesses in my heart and mind. If this were not so, I would have been a different husband & DEFINITELY a different parent!!! Many of the choices (& non-choices) I made, I look back and know I should have been different, stronger, wiser.

So here is absolute proof that I need God in my life more and more. If true love is Jesus Christ, then I want more of Him in my life. And I must make the effort consistently to see that happen.

Day 19 LOVE IS IMPOSSIBLE

Today's dare introduces the fact that it is impossible for us to unconditionally love our spouse 100% of the time. There are times when resentment, reactions, self-pity or annoyance can surface. Sure, we squash them as soon as we realise, but you see the point: we are flawed human beings.

We have self-preservation built into us. There are times when unconditional love is not quite as automatic as we want it to be. We are not God. It is impossible for us.

Only God can do the impossible. But the good news is that He CAN!

So today's dare is to put our lives into His hands. To allow Him the rule in our lives so that He can transform us. God in me can unconditionally love Liz. I can't do it on my own.

This is another reminder of the need our marriage has for God to be actively, deliberately included in our partnership. We need Him at the centre. We need Him in everything we do. Our first loyalty needs to be toward Him, then our loyalty to each other can be more complete.

Worshipping together, praying together, trusting together, these are all necessities.

But first it must start individually. If I don't have Christ on the throne of my heart, I don't have Him anywhere.

After a lifetime of loving and serving God, often in a leadership role, and culminating in the role of Pastor for about 8 years, I came to a major crash in my life. I made certain compromises. I pulled out of the church I was in.

It became easy, as a church-goer without leadership commitments, to wax and wane like the moon in my attendance. It became easier to sleep in than get up for church. Because I had made my compromises, it also became easier for a time to avoid time with God. I could sing His songs but I didn't really maintain my relationship with Him.

It has been a long road back. I am still inconsistent in my church attendance. But I love to pray and to worship. I am writing songs again, a sure sign that I am closer to Him. But I need Him more every day. I need His input and His unconditional love flowing through me.

God has brought about wonderful changes in our marriage, especially in our communication and in drawing us closer together. I would be a fool to think we can do it without Him. We basically did that for a time, and nearly lost everything.

I am now committed and committing myself more and more to God's leadership and direction. I need Him. We need Him. And this time I'm not going to let go.

I love my God. I love my wife. I love our family. They need me to love with His IMPOSSIBLE love. Unconditionally.

Day 18. LOVE SEEKS TO UNDERSTAND

Today's challenge is to seek to understand my wife a little bit more.

Understanding opens the way for trust to grow. It also helps me to meet her needs. It demonstrates to her that I care. Genuinely.

When we were courting, and engaged, I studied her. I understood her to a degree. The challenge is to keep studying.

When we move further into our relationships, of any sort, there is a danger of having "enough knowledge to be dangerous". With our partners, with our children, colleagues in the workplace, we can know them enough to begin second-guessing. We can start to assume their meanings and motives, and this can create problems in our relationships.

They feel judged or misunderstood. Barriers of suspicion or fear arise. Things can be said or thought, that are most unhelpful in our relationships. I see it often in others. I see where I have created problems in my own mind that have damaged my relationships with Liz and our respective children.

For a healthy marriage, I must constantly seek to be hearing and understanding Liz. Not assuming her meanings or motives - I'm usually wrong when I do that!

That's what I have been working at in my own life. Trying hard to not judge, not assume, not create problems that aren't really there. Love tells me to simply love Liz, not try to fix problems that don't exist.

I am trying to listen more and assume less. Because my commitment is to Liz for life. And I want our relationship to be the best it can be. I am glad to have found such a deep friendship as I have with Liz, and happy to have our marriage.

Liz often seems to feel that I have expectations on her that she can't fulfill. I hope that as I prove her worth to me more by listening better, and showing how truly I value her, this will help build her esteem and help her to know she is truly loved for who she is, not for something I might expect her to be.