Another Reflection

A dear friend of ours asked me recently if I had done my best, in bringing up my girls etc.  It was in the context of my facing my past failures and weaknesses, and making a covenant to be a man of true character.  At the time, I said yes (of course!  Although only the day before I had been acknowledging to Liz the realisation that I had NOT done my best - that when I look objectively, I can see how I must have made choices - eg, to just give up because the pain of arguing was too much, - I still remember saying to myself, "If you can't beat them, join them".)  I have since thought about it and realise that my answer was totally wrong.  Wrong by reason of the facts, and wrong by reason of the spirit behind that answer. 

As I look back, I clearly see that I entered adulthood without an identity.  That is evident by the eccentricities I adopted, my clothing, speech, mannerisms.  I was extremely immature and without a clue as to who I was.  I somehow ended up needing affirmation from others to feel good, and became a people-pleaser.  I guess that was how I ended up smoking for a few months and even using marijuana for a time (in 1983).

In my first marriage I eventually stopped really saying what I thought, and gave in "for the sake of peace", (except that I would also then become angry and we would argue), and I let too many things pass unattended, whether it was things that physically need repairing, cleaning that needed to be done, paying of bills, filing important things diligently, or relationships that needed to be worked at.  I became an ostrich with my head in the sand.  I stopped being diligent and responsible.  I saw things that were not right, but didn't take hold of my leadership to take responsibility for fixing them.  In my heart and mind I blamed my wife, when in reality I knew that it takes TWO.  I recently spoke with my ex-wife and apologised for giving up on her and on the marriage.  In reality, I have to admit that I had actually given up on life and lost my proudly-held integrity.

After that marriage collapsed, I knew I should resign as a pastor and focus on the children, as their primary care-giver.  But I listened to advice (that underneath I knew was wrong) to "walk through it".  I made many wrong choices in that time.  My children ended up more neglected than ever, and this by the parent who CLAIMED to be the one who truly cared and could make the difference.  What a hypocrite!!!  I could have made the difference and I did not.

Then I met Liz.  Suddenly my world opened up again.  But I had not dealt with the baggage of my past.  So I brought into this relationship my hurts and prejudices, my judgments from my former marriage, and put them onto Liz.  I made many errors of judgment and choice in this time.  I made promises of purity to Liz.  I had made promises of service to God.  I believed I was a man of integrity and character.  I think I broke all my promises to God, Liz, my children and myself.

I promised to take our relationship slowly.  I think I started using the word "love" within a couple of weeks, and it was my lack of self-control that led us into a physical relationship before we should.  I promised big changes in many ways, but everything I started I didn't finish, as has been a habit of mine for too many years.  Liz begged for us to postpone the wedding until we were both ready, but I was too gutless and too wilful to do so.

I was "the man of God" - we ended up not even going to church for a time, and my compromises pulled us both down so it affected our relationship with God and the church for a long time. 

I allowed fears to control me.  Fear of losing Liz, fear of confrontation, probably fear of exposure as a fraud and hypocrite.  For a long time I had not really shared what was in my heart.  So in my relationship with Liz, if I disagreed with her over anything, especially the children, I just agreed with her.  Liz was accustomed to speaking the truth.  So the message I gave her was that I didn't really care, and that I was a liar. Over time, she would challenge me about how I felt, because she could tell that I disagreed.  But I denied my differences.  I would cover up my true thoughts.

When our relationship started breaking down, it was easy for my daughters to feel my pain, and to think Liz was the aggressor, because the masks of righteousness and gentleness and patience was so well worn by me, that they would feel sorry for me.  I was good at living in self-denial and self-pity.  I made Liz look bad and made me look good.  That is not very loving, for a husband who claims to put his wife first in everything!!!

With our relationship collapsing, when our children spoke to me about their perceptions of it, I eventually opened up with some of the hurts and bitternesses I was carrying.  This eventually led to BIGGER problems between us, and Liz was totally betrayed and trapped in what must have seemed like a prison.

Because I was so good at self-pity, it seemed obvious to my girls that Liz was the aggressor.  The truth is that I was at fault and welcomed their ears and voices.  They believed she was wrong, because they saw how I felt but didn't know the truth of the situation.  Liz put up with my rubbish, and I honour her for that.

I left her devastated - trapped in a marriage where she could no longer believe or trust me .

I am reading books now that show me clearly - where I thought Liz was this or that, I see where the masks I wear are happy to hide the truth of who I am.  Who would want to live with someone who was not who they said they were?

I started doing "The Love Dare" - designed to last 40 days.  It took me about 6 months because I have been so poor at finishing what I started.  When I reached Day 1 again, I saw myself in a much different light from before.  Day 1 talks about patience.  The first time through, I thought I was patient - having believed all the nice things said about me many years ago.  I saw myself suffering patiently, waiting for Liz to be "healed" etc.  What I didn't see was that I was full of self-pity, self-righteousness and judgmental anger, well-developed in my first marriage and now directing me in my relationship with Liz.  What a hypocrite I was!!!

I looked at my life, and had to face the truth of who I had become.  I am ashamed to confess, as I confessed to God and to Liz, that I was guilty of the following sins:
Breaking promises, impatience, lust, seduction, backsliding, not seeking help for us before we married (as a real man of responsibility would have), control, manipulation, impurity, resentment, shutting down, not sharing my honest opinions (ie, lying and deceiving), covering my sins, gossip, covering my gossip, involving others (including our children) in our struggles (you NEVER involve your children in a parental relationship issue!!!), self-justifying, self-righteousness, critical spirit, and probably others I haven't mentioned.

I am now learning to "talk straight".  I am learning to trust God and put Him again at the centre of my life.  I have left Liz devastated - the man she knew she could trust and depend on proved untrustworthy and selfish, with wonderfully self-deceiving masks (of patience, humility, kindness, righteousness, caring, generous, forgiving, giving, and being genuinely concerned - that all had festering unholy sores of sinfulness underneath them), so that I looked good and Liz didn't; but all the time she was trying to deal with the fallout in my family from my years of neglect and hypocrisy.  Because she cared for us and was determined to make a difference in my girls' lives.  She could see where I had ignored and abandoned them, and it grieved her heart deeply.  In my foolishness I saw her desire for a better life for us, as control: what a fool I really was!

Please support us and pray.  We need healing.  I have made a choice to change, breaking off the old patterns and masks.  I plead to my girls, please see that although it was easy to see Liz' faults and jump to my emotional defence in your hearts, she was simply trying to hold a family together and bring order and balance, since I wasn't because my head was too firmly entrenched in the sand.  There are 2 sides to every story.  Please don't just see my side.  See where I left her desperate for peace and devastated by my betrayal of her trust.  Please see that the largest part of our breakdown was my neglect, my running to hide. 

We are carefully and slowly rebuilding.  We are not at odds any longer.  But my breaking of trust will make it all so much longer to heal.  Please understand that we are working on it.  We have turned a good corner, by God's grace. 

All I ask is that you seek to see from Liz' perspective, not just mine.  And support and encourage her - and remember - your Dad is not perfect, and never shall be!!!!!