Sunday, 26 February 2012
LOVE DARE DAY FOURTEEN
LOVE TAKES DELIGHT
Eccles 9:9
delight in the wife of your youth.
Don't just follow your heart. Lead it. Don't let your feelings & emotions do the driving. Put them in the back seat & tell them where you're going.
It's unrealistic for your heart to constantly thrill at the thought of spending every moment with your spouse.
Feelings come and go. They are unreliable at best. Just because you love your spouse, doesnt mean you will always feel that. So let's get that out of the way immediately. There will be times when you even feel angry. But you know you still love them.
Love is not based on feelings. Perhaps it would fit better if we said that the feelings are based on love. That's why the author of the Love Dare says we need to lead our hearts, not be led by them.
Remember God said through Jeremiah that the heart is sick, deceitful and wicked. It tells us things that aren't true, convincing us that they are.
Hence teenage girls give their virginity away to boys they never could love, adamant that it is "true love". Hence middle aged men leave their wives for lustful affairs with someone else, insisting they have found their "soulmate".
And many other crimes of the heart, even murder, all based on a flawed understanding of the real nature of love.
Knowing I love Liz (& she loves me) is just the start, and it is my motivation. With this starting point I can lead my heart. We do (&will always) have times where our opinions differ, where we disagree, where we feel disappointed or annoyed with the other.
But we can make the choice to simply keep loving.
* * * * *
This is like my comments on previous days about cherishing. Something may ruffle me, but then it's my responsibility to remember that I cherish Liz. So I stop and actually focus in cherishing her. Immediately the awkwardness dissipates and I am just feeling and thinking in ways that bless her (& make me feel a whole lot better!)
The same fits here. I cherish Liz, and now I can choose to simply delight in her.
* * * * *
So now I have three words to live by, or maybe I should say to love by!!
CHERISH
+
LISTEN
+
DELIGHT
Monday, 20 February 2012
LOVE DARE DAY 13
LOVE FIGHTS FAIR
Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand.
*******
I start by quoting from the first paragraph:
"Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot ... , you joined not only your hopes & dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, & emotional baggage.... Welcome to fallen humanity."
*****
The challenge here is to learn to "deal.. with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side."
I have to sadly admit that I have not had a good history of dealing with conflict.
I pride myself on being a peacemaker. Maybe coward is a better word. Or bully. I'm not sure which. I'm not a violent and aggressive man at all, so the mask of humility well covers whatever my faults really are.
I have my own opinions in life. But as I have been discovering to my own shock in the last year or so, many of my opinions are wrong and much of my knowledge is flawed. What happened to the sure young man who was invincible 30 years ago?
I have had to humbly admit in so many areas that I really don't know as much as I thought, & that I am not as wise either. I discovered that by marrying someone knows so much more, & actually is a lot wiser than I am.
However, I still make the mistake of speaking without really knowing. You'd think I'd learn!
No, I am not aggressive or violent. But I do bottle up my hurts (though I convince myself I am not), and this comes out when I am really frustrated. Take last night. I was speaking calmly but trying to force conversation at a bad time (Fool!) and eventually did lose my temper and yell. Both actions scream out that I behaved as a bully! And in doing so, I destroy the work of rebuilding that has been going on in our relationship. How could Liz trust me and feel safe with me when I didn't respect her request to be left alone, and ended up shouting at her?????
Back in 2010 Liz asked me to learn to listen, and to always give her space so can process things, so we don't fight. I did for a while. Then I went back to old behaviour. The old me wants to fix everything NOW, when wisdom says to step back and allow the other to breathe & to think.
*****
So the Challenge today is to establish healthy rules of engagement. Issues like never mentioning divorce, not bringing up old, unrelated items, never fighting in public or in front of children (GUILTY!!), calling timeouts, never going to bed angry, refusing to accept failure.
*****
It's time for me to make some resolutions:
- To LISTEN to the end. Not to speak until it really is my turn.
- Dealing with my own issues up front.
- Speaking gently with my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Prov 15:1
*****
The chapter finishes thus:
"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."
God knows I have destroyed enough bridges already.
*****
So to add to my big discovery of the year is a second word that I will do well to dwell on.
My 2 words are:
CHERISH & LISTEN
Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand.
*******
I start by quoting from the first paragraph:
"Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot ... , you joined not only your hopes & dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, & emotional baggage.... Welcome to fallen humanity."
*****
The challenge here is to learn to "deal.. with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side."
I have to sadly admit that I have not had a good history of dealing with conflict.
I pride myself on being a peacemaker. Maybe coward is a better word. Or bully. I'm not sure which. I'm not a violent and aggressive man at all, so the mask of humility well covers whatever my faults really are.
I have my own opinions in life. But as I have been discovering to my own shock in the last year or so, many of my opinions are wrong and much of my knowledge is flawed. What happened to the sure young man who was invincible 30 years ago?
I have had to humbly admit in so many areas that I really don't know as much as I thought, & that I am not as wise either. I discovered that by marrying someone knows so much more, & actually is a lot wiser than I am.
However, I still make the mistake of speaking without really knowing. You'd think I'd learn!
No, I am not aggressive or violent. But I do bottle up my hurts (though I convince myself I am not), and this comes out when I am really frustrated. Take last night. I was speaking calmly but trying to force conversation at a bad time (Fool!) and eventually did lose my temper and yell. Both actions scream out that I behaved as a bully! And in doing so, I destroy the work of rebuilding that has been going on in our relationship. How could Liz trust me and feel safe with me when I didn't respect her request to be left alone, and ended up shouting at her?????
Back in 2010 Liz asked me to learn to listen, and to always give her space so can process things, so we don't fight. I did for a while. Then I went back to old behaviour. The old me wants to fix everything NOW, when wisdom says to step back and allow the other to breathe & to think.
*****
So the Challenge today is to establish healthy rules of engagement. Issues like never mentioning divorce, not bringing up old, unrelated items, never fighting in public or in front of children (GUILTY!!), calling timeouts, never going to bed angry, refusing to accept failure.
*****
It's time for me to make some resolutions:
- To LISTEN to the end. Not to speak until it really is my turn.
- Dealing with my own issues up front.
- Speaking gently with my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Prov 15:1
*****
The chapter finishes thus:
"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."
God knows I have destroyed enough bridges already.
*****
So to add to my big discovery of the year is a second word that I will do well to dwell on.
My 2 words are:
CHERISH & LISTEN
LOVE DARE DAY TWELVE
Day 12 (14th To 21st Feb)
LOVE LETS THE OTHER WIN
When we first marry as idealistic young people, it is not difficult to put the other person first.
Other issues soon come into play, because character flaws are not yet put to death. Opinions, selfishness, stubbornness, habits of judgment. Most all perhaps, competition. Growing up in a family with siblings, then school - we learn to compete. Part of maturity means not having to always be right, always the best.
In relationships we learn to put down our own need to feel good, to prove ourselves, to be on top. What we need is to put these to death. A relationship is about being willing. An attitude & spirit of cooperation.
"The palm tree endures the greatest winds because it knows how to bend."
Phil 2:5 have this attitude which was also in Christ Jesus. Humble submission. Willingness to lay down your own life, your own rights, and glory.
I have worked hard to lay down my own need to be "right" and to listen, and allow Liz her say. I defer to her opinion in most issues, seeking to just be humble and not think too highly of my own opinion. In many things she really does show better wisdom and insight anyway. For the other things, why should I insist on "my" way? Isn't cooperation and mutual love better?
Generally that's how I live.
But sometimes I get it horribly wrong.
Last night I was weighed heavily with some things on my heart, and instead of waiting until Liz was ready to talk, I made the talk happen straight away. What a FOOL I was.
You should expect me to know by now.
When someone isn't ready to talk, perhaps still processing things, needing time, you DON'T make them talk. It's wrong. I was wrong.
So because my love didn't "let the other win" we are now back at an impasse. Again. Fifty years old and two and a half times through the Love Dare, doing it because I love, cherish and adore my wife, and I have blown it AGAIN.
If anyone reads these posts, please pray for us. Pray for healing. Pray for me to learn to discern and to listen and to observe, and pray for me to be a better husband.
God know Liz deserves that.
LOVE LETS THE OTHER WIN
When we first marry as idealistic young people, it is not difficult to put the other person first.
Other issues soon come into play, because character flaws are not yet put to death. Opinions, selfishness, stubbornness, habits of judgment. Most all perhaps, competition. Growing up in a family with siblings, then school - we learn to compete. Part of maturity means not having to always be right, always the best.
In relationships we learn to put down our own need to feel good, to prove ourselves, to be on top. What we need is to put these to death. A relationship is about being willing. An attitude & spirit of cooperation.
"The palm tree endures the greatest winds because it knows how to bend."
Phil 2:5 have this attitude which was also in Christ Jesus. Humble submission. Willingness to lay down your own life, your own rights, and glory.
I have worked hard to lay down my own need to be "right" and to listen, and allow Liz her say. I defer to her opinion in most issues, seeking to just be humble and not think too highly of my own opinion. In many things she really does show better wisdom and insight anyway. For the other things, why should I insist on "my" way? Isn't cooperation and mutual love better?
Generally that's how I live.
But sometimes I get it horribly wrong.
Last night I was weighed heavily with some things on my heart, and instead of waiting until Liz was ready to talk, I made the talk happen straight away. What a FOOL I was.
You should expect me to know by now.
When someone isn't ready to talk, perhaps still processing things, needing time, you DON'T make them talk. It's wrong. I was wrong.
So because my love didn't "let the other win" we are now back at an impasse. Again. Fifty years old and two and a half times through the Love Dare, doing it because I love, cherish and adore my wife, and I have blown it AGAIN.
If anyone reads these posts, please pray for us. Pray for healing. Pray for me to learn to discern and to listen and to observe, and pray for me to be a better husband.
God know Liz deserves that.
Friday, 17 February 2012
Love Dare Day Eleven part B
CHERISH
It really is a beautiful word. It speaks volumes and has amazing power now. I have been meditating on it for over a week.
CHERISH
My challenge to myself has been:
Because I love Liz, and because I love our family, my choice is to stop and cherish. When something happens that would previously have triggered a reaction in me, I stop and remind myself that I am not going to allow negative thoughts to control me. So often we all behave in ways that don't reflect the truth that we love the people closest to us. Now I choose to remember that I actually do cherish.
What this means practically is that I stop myself feeling negative, and I actively allow feelings of love and goodwill towards whoever it may be. It really works!!! I have been amazed.
After many years of either reacting or bottling up my feelings (probably a pattern formed in my childhood) I am actually learning to disperse them and replace them with good feelings. I didn't know I could do that!
When I feel the old patterns of response coming on, I am recognizing them and before too long I am then feeling good instead of bad.
One thing this is doing for me, is tied up with how I see and interpret the things Liz says and does. Whereas before I seemed to always go into defensive mode internally, it has been helping me to sit back and see the bigger picture.
Where I (& I think my girls) fell badly was in not understanding Liz' motivation in our communications. Because I am now looking at her through different eyes, I am seeing how she speaks from her heart with a passion for my children that I didn't understand or recognize before. I see that she cares, therefore she speaks. And I am able to no longer be controlled by reactive patterns as I previously did. Where I felt she was judging the girls, now I see her fighting for their well-being. I was so blind! Blinded by my own preconceptions and inner mess.
I still have trouble speaking from my heart. Too often I hurt my family because they feel anger or judgment (I think) in my tone and body language, where I don't see it until later. But this key of CHERISHING has helped me turn a huge corner.
Where people over the years have seen me as gentle and kind, and I have believed their publicity, I now see how inside was festering and foul. I am still carrying the legacy of not growing up when I should have, and avoiding my responsibilities, and being led by my emotions.
Now I am changing. Late, at 50, but now I am seeing. It's to my shame that my misperceptions of life meant that I didn't train my children better, and that I avoided conflict, meaning that I left huge gaps in their training. But I determine to make a difference as a man of resolution and courage from this day on.
And to keep learning how to CHERISH.
It really is a beautiful word. It speaks volumes and has amazing power now. I have been meditating on it for over a week.
CHERISH
My challenge to myself has been:
Because I love Liz, and because I love our family, my choice is to stop and cherish. When something happens that would previously have triggered a reaction in me, I stop and remind myself that I am not going to allow negative thoughts to control me. So often we all behave in ways that don't reflect the truth that we love the people closest to us. Now I choose to remember that I actually do cherish.
What this means practically is that I stop myself feeling negative, and I actively allow feelings of love and goodwill towards whoever it may be. It really works!!! I have been amazed.
After many years of either reacting or bottling up my feelings (probably a pattern formed in my childhood) I am actually learning to disperse them and replace them with good feelings. I didn't know I could do that!
When I feel the old patterns of response coming on, I am recognizing them and before too long I am then feeling good instead of bad.
One thing this is doing for me, is tied up with how I see and interpret the things Liz says and does. Whereas before I seemed to always go into defensive mode internally, it has been helping me to sit back and see the bigger picture.
Where I (& I think my girls) fell badly was in not understanding Liz' motivation in our communications. Because I am now looking at her through different eyes, I am seeing how she speaks from her heart with a passion for my children that I didn't understand or recognize before. I see that she cares, therefore she speaks. And I am able to no longer be controlled by reactive patterns as I previously did. Where I felt she was judging the girls, now I see her fighting for their well-being. I was so blind! Blinded by my own preconceptions and inner mess.
I still have trouble speaking from my heart. Too often I hurt my family because they feel anger or judgment (I think) in my tone and body language, where I don't see it until later. But this key of CHERISHING has helped me turn a huge corner.
Where people over the years have seen me as gentle and kind, and I have believed their publicity, I now see how inside was festering and foul. I am still carrying the legacy of not growing up when I should have, and avoiding my responsibilities, and being led by my emotions.
Now I am changing. Late, at 50, but now I am seeing. It's to my shame that my misperceptions of life meant that I didn't train my children better, and that I avoided conflict, meaning that I left huge gaps in their training. But I determine to make a difference as a man of resolution and courage from this day on.
And to keep learning how to CHERISH.
Monday, 13 February 2012
Love Dare Day Eleven
Day 11 (7th - 13th Feb)
LOVE CHERISHES
How consistently do I cherish Liz?
The scripture is quoted:
Love your wife as your own body.
We are told that when we marry we become one flesh. So I ought to care for my wife just as sensitively and carefully as I look after myself. Sure, we may sometimes mistreat our bodies, but mainly we treat ourselves with care. We eat when hungry, nurse whatever is hurt, we clean, cover and protect ourselves.
The author of The Love Dare challenges us: what about when my spouse is hurting, afraid, worried, stressed, in pain? How does cherishing show itself when my wife has a problem that is bothering her? It is important to her. Will I choose to make it important to me also?
As I have read book after book on relationships, and watched tv shows and movies through the years, I have this observation:
In too many marriages, the husband shuts out his wife's talk. I have heard so many men make jokes about "nagging wives", and I have heard SO many times from other men the comments about "Keeping out of trouble". Too many men dismiss their wives' concerns as emotionalism.
* * * * *
We need to throw the word "nag" out of our vocabulary. It's time we men learned to genuinely listen and cherish as we listen. If our wives are ever to know they are loved, we need to change our attitude forever.
Men, it shouldn't be like that!!! I have been learning that wives speak because they need us to hear them, to actually listen and take them seriously. Men need to reassure their wives that their feelings, opinions and fears MATTER to them. How can a wife feel secure if she feels undervalued?
My own response to Liz has been the subject of my study these last few days. Do I truly cherish her? If so, how do my words (& thoughts!!) reflect that? When I find myself shutting her out or disagreeing with her, I have been consciously asking myself, "Is this cherishing?" It is an interesting exercise. It is making me change the way I think, the way I listen, and how I respond.
Cherish. It's a word that speaks of tenderness and care. Like a caress of the heart. Does your heart caress the heart of your spouse? Does the term tender mercies strike a chord in you? It should. It needs to.
Lamentations ch 3 says:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.
Is my life, is your life, a reflection of that? How do you treat those around you? With mercy? With grace? With kindness? Too often I have fallen short of the mark. But I am working on it now!!!!!
* * * * *
Last time I wrote:
"Day 11 (7th Dec)
"Love cherishes.
"Liz is a part of me.
How does that change the way I interact with her or speak to her?
"Do I really treat her as well as I treat myself? Do I protect her from criticism as I would protect myself? Do I respect her needs as I respect my own?
" Or do I expect her to meet my needs? Not in the obvious ways - my "selfless" mask wouldn't let me do that ! ...
"What about my need for affirmation, or to feel good, to be touched, to be acknowledged or feel welcomed? What do I do? I often force my way in to her personal space and disregard Liz' feelings so I can feel better.
"That is NOT cherishing her as myself!!! Do I think negatively about things she has said, or do I CHERISH her and protect her?"
* * * * *
As we have already learned, love is so much more than emotion. Emotions come and go. When we allow our love to grow into genuine love, it becomes something deeper and permanent. It becomes a choice from the depths of my heart. As we go through the interaction and struggles of daily life, it is easy to become reactive, selfish, to perhaps take the other person for granted, and even to begin to see them through the eyes of our hurt. We make misjudgements about their motives, interpreting their actions in ways they never intended. I have been guilty of that.
I think sometimes I became caught in the pattern of "rejection", in which a person feels rejection and reads rejection into the words and actions of those closest to them. Perhaps it comes from a fear of loss, or from a sense of personal insufficiency. But something I have noticed is that when I feel rejected, I think I must behave in ways that then make Liz feel rejected. We both feel out of sorts (at least, I think that's how it is), and the reality is that neither wants to feel that way, and neither wants the other to feel that way.
So I make the choice to CHERISH her in all things. To stay in the "Appreciation Room". To reflect on the amazing qualities that I truly admire about her. To let Liz FEEL loved and wanted. To cherish. A bit like the old wedding vows:
... to love and to cherish ... as long as we both shall live (in all circumstances!)
LOVE CHERISHES
How consistently do I cherish Liz?
The scripture is quoted:
Love your wife as your own body.
We are told that when we marry we become one flesh. So I ought to care for my wife just as sensitively and carefully as I look after myself. Sure, we may sometimes mistreat our bodies, but mainly we treat ourselves with care. We eat when hungry, nurse whatever is hurt, we clean, cover and protect ourselves.
The author of The Love Dare challenges us: what about when my spouse is hurting, afraid, worried, stressed, in pain? How does cherishing show itself when my wife has a problem that is bothering her? It is important to her. Will I choose to make it important to me also?
As I have read book after book on relationships, and watched tv shows and movies through the years, I have this observation:
In too many marriages, the husband shuts out his wife's talk. I have heard so many men make jokes about "nagging wives", and I have heard SO many times from other men the comments about "Keeping out of trouble". Too many men dismiss their wives' concerns as emotionalism.
* * * * *
We need to throw the word "nag" out of our vocabulary. It's time we men learned to genuinely listen and cherish as we listen. If our wives are ever to know they are loved, we need to change our attitude forever.
Men, it shouldn't be like that!!! I have been learning that wives speak because they need us to hear them, to actually listen and take them seriously. Men need to reassure their wives that their feelings, opinions and fears MATTER to them. How can a wife feel secure if she feels undervalued?
My own response to Liz has been the subject of my study these last few days. Do I truly cherish her? If so, how do my words (& thoughts!!) reflect that? When I find myself shutting her out or disagreeing with her, I have been consciously asking myself, "Is this cherishing?" It is an interesting exercise. It is making me change the way I think, the way I listen, and how I respond.
Cherish. It's a word that speaks of tenderness and care. Like a caress of the heart. Does your heart caress the heart of your spouse? Does the term tender mercies strike a chord in you? It should. It needs to.
Lamentations ch 3 says:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.
Is my life, is your life, a reflection of that? How do you treat those around you? With mercy? With grace? With kindness? Too often I have fallen short of the mark. But I am working on it now!!!!!
* * * * *
Last time I wrote:
"Day 11 (7th Dec)
"Love cherishes.
"Liz is a part of me.
How does that change the way I interact with her or speak to her?
"Do I really treat her as well as I treat myself? Do I protect her from criticism as I would protect myself? Do I respect her needs as I respect my own?
" Or do I expect her to meet my needs? Not in the obvious ways - my "selfless" mask wouldn't let me do that ! ...
"What about my need for affirmation, or to feel good, to be touched, to be acknowledged or feel welcomed? What do I do? I often force my way in to her personal space and disregard Liz' feelings so I can feel better.
"That is NOT cherishing her as myself!!! Do I think negatively about things she has said, or do I CHERISH her and protect her?"
* * * * *
As we have already learned, love is so much more than emotion. Emotions come and go. When we allow our love to grow into genuine love, it becomes something deeper and permanent. It becomes a choice from the depths of my heart. As we go through the interaction and struggles of daily life, it is easy to become reactive, selfish, to perhaps take the other person for granted, and even to begin to see them through the eyes of our hurt. We make misjudgements about their motives, interpreting their actions in ways they never intended. I have been guilty of that.
I think sometimes I became caught in the pattern of "rejection", in which a person feels rejection and reads rejection into the words and actions of those closest to them. Perhaps it comes from a fear of loss, or from a sense of personal insufficiency. But something I have noticed is that when I feel rejected, I think I must behave in ways that then make Liz feel rejected. We both feel out of sorts (at least, I think that's how it is), and the reality is that neither wants to feel that way, and neither wants the other to feel that way.
So I make the choice to CHERISH her in all things. To stay in the "Appreciation Room". To reflect on the amazing qualities that I truly admire about her. To let Liz FEEL loved and wanted. To cherish. A bit like the old wedding vows:
... to love and to cherish ... as long as we both shall live (in all circumstances!)
Monday, 6 February 2012
Love Dare Day Ten
LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL
The author challenges us with the concept that unconditional love is about choice, and about taking on God's kind of love.
* * * * *
The second time around I wrote:
"Day 10 (7th Dec 2011)
"Love is unconditional.
"Agape love. Freely given by choice. God's kind of love.
"While friendship & romantic love are great and necessary in a marriage, unconditional love must be the real foundation.
"How unconditional is my love for Liz? Is my love dependent on her response? Is it dependent on common ground? If so, it would have an unstable foundation.
"When we first came to love, it was after many hours of conversation. We discovered a connection between our hearts. We enjoyed each other's company.
"When we met in person, we began to build a "normal" relationship. Our weaknesses came into play and problems arose. Expectations. Lust. Fears, on both sides. These became strong enough to destroy us. I thank God for his unconditional love which has held us together, at times just by a thread."
* * * * *
We are asked why we love our partner: why do I love Liz? If my answer focuses on temporal things, like her smile or her cooking or her supportiveness, then that would suggest my love was conditional. I can love those things about her, but my love should not be based on them.
How about the rest of the family? Do I genuinely love all of our children in a way that does not depend on their behaviour? How do I respond to their mistakes or even their deliberate faults? I may disagree or disapprove, but is my love unchanged?
I must say that although I truly believe my love for Liz is unconditional, my reactions and misunderstandings have been very conditional.
However:
Too often I misunderstood her, especially misunderstood her communication and actions. I misinterpreted them and felt judged, unloved, and my response was to become more insecure. In my insecurity I allowed myself to be drawn into conversations that I never should have had. I was convinced I was losing Liz, and totally misunderstood that she was crying out for me to be a MAN, to be a clear and strong leader she could trust. And I in my miserable self-pity nearly did destroy her love. Because I made assumptions.
All the time I thought I was loving her unconditionally. I was actually just expecting her to fit MY mould, MY expectations, and had backed her into a corner. I was destroying her and she was crying out to be heard. Talk about miscommunication! I am now deeply ashamed that I didn't listen with an open heart!!!
Now we have conversations about the same issues and I no longer feel threatened. I now understand that Liz is needing to be heard and I need to listen without feeling judged. What I assumed was judgment was just the sort of honest, genuine communication I had never known.
You see, even though I believed I was loving unconditionally, I was loving to be loved (if that makes sense). I don't think I really "got it" the first time through - a lot of my daily comments, while they were seeking to change myself - show me that a lot of how I had related to Liz, and indeed to everyone around me, was based on my own need for affirmation. So f I didn't feel affirmed, I fell into self-pity INSTEAD of looking to the greater needs of those I love.
Loving to be loved. I had to be challenged frequently until I understood. I think I loved with a platitude of unconditionality, but was really giving generously of myself because I needed a response. In my own insecurity I needed to know I was loved. I needed to undergo a journey of reevaluation, to come to terms with being the man I am, secure in myself, secure in my opinions, secure in God.
As I have referred elsewhere to the book The Resolution for Men, that other book has been challenging me to be a man who can be counted on, not because I try harder, but because I know the secret of being strong in myself (with God, of course). A man must never seek to find his identity in his family. He is supposed to give his family their identity. I was NOT that sort of man. If Liz didn't give me the affirmation I felt I needed, I felt hard-done-by, and sulked and fell into self-pity. I looked to blame others for how I felt. That is totally wrong!!
How was that unconditional love??? I have had to learn, by almost losing another marriage, to look for my own strength and from THAT vantage point, I am free to give love unconditionally. Because I don't need to seek it, and because I am able to CHOOSE to give it.
I'm not there yet, but I'm on the path.
How about you?
The author challenges us with the concept that unconditional love is about choice, and about taking on God's kind of love.
* * * * *
The second time around I wrote:
"Day 10 (7th Dec 2011)
"Love is unconditional.
"Agape love. Freely given by choice. God's kind of love.
"While friendship & romantic love are great and necessary in a marriage, unconditional love must be the real foundation.
"How unconditional is my love for Liz? Is my love dependent on her response? Is it dependent on common ground? If so, it would have an unstable foundation.
"When we first came to love, it was after many hours of conversation. We discovered a connection between our hearts. We enjoyed each other's company.
"When we met in person, we began to build a "normal" relationship. Our weaknesses came into play and problems arose. Expectations. Lust. Fears, on both sides. These became strong enough to destroy us. I thank God for his unconditional love which has held us together, at times just by a thread."
* * * * *
We are asked why we love our partner: why do I love Liz? If my answer focuses on temporal things, like her smile or her cooking or her supportiveness, then that would suggest my love was conditional. I can love those things about her, but my love should not be based on them.
How about the rest of the family? Do I genuinely love all of our children in a way that does not depend on their behaviour? How do I respond to their mistakes or even their deliberate faults? I may disagree or disapprove, but is my love unchanged?
I must say that although I truly believe my love for Liz is unconditional, my reactions and misunderstandings have been very conditional.
However:
Too often I misunderstood her, especially misunderstood her communication and actions. I misinterpreted them and felt judged, unloved, and my response was to become more insecure. In my insecurity I allowed myself to be drawn into conversations that I never should have had. I was convinced I was losing Liz, and totally misunderstood that she was crying out for me to be a MAN, to be a clear and strong leader she could trust. And I in my miserable self-pity nearly did destroy her love. Because I made assumptions.
All the time I thought I was loving her unconditionally. I was actually just expecting her to fit MY mould, MY expectations, and had backed her into a corner. I was destroying her and she was crying out to be heard. Talk about miscommunication! I am now deeply ashamed that I didn't listen with an open heart!!!
Now we have conversations about the same issues and I no longer feel threatened. I now understand that Liz is needing to be heard and I need to listen without feeling judged. What I assumed was judgment was just the sort of honest, genuine communication I had never known.
You see, even though I believed I was loving unconditionally, I was loving to be loved (if that makes sense). I don't think I really "got it" the first time through - a lot of my daily comments, while they were seeking to change myself - show me that a lot of how I had related to Liz, and indeed to everyone around me, was based on my own need for affirmation. So f I didn't feel affirmed, I fell into self-pity INSTEAD of looking to the greater needs of those I love.
Loving to be loved. I had to be challenged frequently until I understood. I think I loved with a platitude of unconditionality, but was really giving generously of myself because I needed a response. In my own insecurity I needed to know I was loved. I needed to undergo a journey of reevaluation, to come to terms with being the man I am, secure in myself, secure in my opinions, secure in God.
As I have referred elsewhere to the book The Resolution for Men, that other book has been challenging me to be a man who can be counted on, not because I try harder, but because I know the secret of being strong in myself (with God, of course). A man must never seek to find his identity in his family. He is supposed to give his family their identity. I was NOT that sort of man. If Liz didn't give me the affirmation I felt I needed, I felt hard-done-by, and sulked and fell into self-pity. I looked to blame others for how I felt. That is totally wrong!!
How was that unconditional love??? I have had to learn, by almost losing another marriage, to look for my own strength and from THAT vantage point, I am free to give love unconditionally. Because I don't need to seek it, and because I am able to CHOOSE to give it.
I'm not there yet, but I'm on the path.
How about you?
Friday, 3 February 2012
My Thoughts For You (new song)
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
Thoughts of peace and not of evil,
A future and a hope;
My thoughts for you are good,
Says the Lord.
So I'll rejoice in the Lord always;
Again I say rejoice;
I will live with the knowing
That He is close to me;
So my life can reflect His glory.
Anxious for nothing, Lord,
But praying with thanksgiving,
Worshipping, asking in faith.
With His peace overflowing
My heart and my mind;
Singing faith, hope and love,
These three combined.
So I'll sing songs of praise,
Declaring the glory of God;
I'm depending on His grace,
Thinking on the good things,
With love and mercy
Speaking words of life.
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
Thoughts of peace and not of evil,
A future and a hope;
My thoughts for you are good,
Says the Lord.
c.2012 M. Scott-Branagan
Love Dare Day Nine
(3rd Feb)
LOVE CREATES GOOD IMPRESSIONS
How do I greet Liz? The author asks how I greet others? Friends? Colleagues? Strangers? Don't we give them warm & polite greetings, usually with a big smile (I guess partly because we were taught to be polite, and partly because something inside us wants to be well accepted also).
The author then asks the pertinent question:
Doesn't your spouse deserve the same? Times ten?
Most days I come home, my routine is as follows:
As soon as I'm in the door, I say "Hello";
I greet each person in some way.
I hug Jess & Lizzie if they come to greet me, or kiss them on their heads if they are seated doing homework.
I kiss Liz on the head or cheek, whatever is appropriate for the moment. I stop and ask how she is.
I ask people how their day was. I then usually make a cup of tea for Liz and myself (unless someone else has already done so).
This is in some form my usual homecoming. Occasionally (rare because we are not financially well-off) I will bring Liz a rose or a card as well.
Now please recall my note on Jan 1. Day One, Patience. Notice that this was the start of my third time through this journey called The Love Dare. I read the chapter on Patience on the way to work. On the way home I read over my notes in my i-Phone (which is where I usually prepare my blogs). Then I fell and hurt myself getting off the bus, misinterpreted something Liz said, and came home irritable. How foolish!
But do you know (I am saying this to emphasize the importance of impressions and greetings), with all the many nice greetings I give, the greeting from that impatient, grumpy homecoming 9 days ago created a negative experience for my family that undid some of my positive work.
It is so very important that we ALWAYS give our best, and NEVER allow ourselves to less than it. How I behave at home affects the ones I love.
I am suitably chastened by this experience. All I really want is to give my best to all my family. To greet ALL of them with warmth and acceptance. To let them all know they are valued and appreciated. And loved. That is my choice. That is what I fully intend to keep doing.
The author states that how I greet my family tells them they are valued. I can increase or decrease their sense of self worth by the way I treat them. How do I treat them? Some better than others, I fear! Time for me to fix that too!!!
LOVE CREATES GOOD IMPRESSIONS
How do I greet Liz? The author asks how I greet others? Friends? Colleagues? Strangers? Don't we give them warm & polite greetings, usually with a big smile (I guess partly because we were taught to be polite, and partly because something inside us wants to be well accepted also).
The author then asks the pertinent question:
Doesn't your spouse deserve the same? Times ten?
Most days I come home, my routine is as follows:
As soon as I'm in the door, I say "Hello";
I greet each person in some way.
I hug Jess & Lizzie if they come to greet me, or kiss them on their heads if they are seated doing homework.
I kiss Liz on the head or cheek, whatever is appropriate for the moment. I stop and ask how she is.
I ask people how their day was. I then usually make a cup of tea for Liz and myself (unless someone else has already done so).
This is in some form my usual homecoming. Occasionally (rare because we are not financially well-off) I will bring Liz a rose or a card as well.
Now please recall my note on Jan 1. Day One, Patience. Notice that this was the start of my third time through this journey called The Love Dare. I read the chapter on Patience on the way to work. On the way home I read over my notes in my i-Phone (which is where I usually prepare my blogs). Then I fell and hurt myself getting off the bus, misinterpreted something Liz said, and came home irritable. How foolish!
But do you know (I am saying this to emphasize the importance of impressions and greetings), with all the many nice greetings I give, the greeting from that impatient, grumpy homecoming 9 days ago created a negative experience for my family that undid some of my positive work.
It is so very important that we ALWAYS give our best, and NEVER allow ourselves to less than it. How I behave at home affects the ones I love.
I am suitably chastened by this experience. All I really want is to give my best to all my family. To greet ALL of them with warmth and acceptance. To let them all know they are valued and appreciated. And loved. That is my choice. That is what I fully intend to keep doing.
The author states that how I greet my family tells them they are valued. I can increase or decrease their sense of self worth by the way I treat them. How do I treat them? Some better than others, I fear! Time for me to fix that too!!!
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Love Dare Day Eight
LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS.
In this chapter of The Love Dare, we discuss issues of jealousy.
Firstly the author talks about good jealousy, the kind which is legitimate, which protects and is based on relationship, commitment and loyalty. He explains that even God is jealous - in the right way.
Then we turn to the other type, which is rooted in selfishness. The kind that loses its peace when someone else has something better than what we have. This may be success, promotion, sport result, a better life, even the fact that they appear blessed where we feel we are missing out.
So here we are looking at feelings of being left out, pushed aside, not good enough, and other emotions. After all, jealousy comes from insecurity, a sense of lack.
In The Love Dare we are challenged to be proactive in dealing with this human tendency. Rejoice when my partner has a win. Rejoice that she is better than I am at certain things. To not allow insecurity the room inside my heart to cause me to resent anything about her.
Ultimately, I guess jealousy is a byproduct of resentment towards another person, and is usually irrational. Here again is a good time to think on the comments I made yesterday and the day before. To guard our hearts, and fight any urge to be irritable towards the ones we love.
I have certainly been irritable as I confessed. I have plenty of faults, but I don't think I struggle much with jealousy. Of course, others who look in objectively may disagree. I don't think they will.
However, this is a great time to focus on building up my wife. In The Love Dare, Day 7, there is the talk of rooms of Appreciation & Depreciation. The challenge given was to write to separate pages, of the thoughts I have about Liz, one page for the negatives an one for the positives.
Then on Day 8, we are asked to read the 2 pages again, then to burn the Depreciation page. So I symbolically burned the thoughts and memories that were negative.
Since the first time through, I have of course slipped too often into the Depreciation Room. But then I have remembered and repented of being there. I want to only think on the good things.
Paul wrote:
Finally brethren, if there is anything that is true, anything that is noble, righteous or pure; if anything is lovely or of good report; if there is any virtue, anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.
(Phil 5:9)
A great challenge! To not allow myself the luxury of negative thoughts (which sap the life out of me), but to focus only on good things. Wouldn't we all be happier people? And nicer to be around!!!
Let me be like that.
The Dare for today is to destroy the Depreciation Room, and to find something to praise in my wife. I did that last night!!! Now I will have to find something else to praise her for. Isnt it good that she has plenty of good in her?!!
In this chapter of The Love Dare, we discuss issues of jealousy.
Firstly the author talks about good jealousy, the kind which is legitimate, which protects and is based on relationship, commitment and loyalty. He explains that even God is jealous - in the right way.
Then we turn to the other type, which is rooted in selfishness. The kind that loses its peace when someone else has something better than what we have. This may be success, promotion, sport result, a better life, even the fact that they appear blessed where we feel we are missing out.
So here we are looking at feelings of being left out, pushed aside, not good enough, and other emotions. After all, jealousy comes from insecurity, a sense of lack.
In The Love Dare we are challenged to be proactive in dealing with this human tendency. Rejoice when my partner has a win. Rejoice that she is better than I am at certain things. To not allow insecurity the room inside my heart to cause me to resent anything about her.
Ultimately, I guess jealousy is a byproduct of resentment towards another person, and is usually irrational. Here again is a good time to think on the comments I made yesterday and the day before. To guard our hearts, and fight any urge to be irritable towards the ones we love.
I have certainly been irritable as I confessed. I have plenty of faults, but I don't think I struggle much with jealousy. Of course, others who look in objectively may disagree. I don't think they will.
However, this is a great time to focus on building up my wife. In The Love Dare, Day 7, there is the talk of rooms of Appreciation & Depreciation. The challenge given was to write to separate pages, of the thoughts I have about Liz, one page for the negatives an one for the positives.
Then on Day 8, we are asked to read the 2 pages again, then to burn the Depreciation page. So I symbolically burned the thoughts and memories that were negative.
Since the first time through, I have of course slipped too often into the Depreciation Room. But then I have remembered and repented of being there. I want to only think on the good things.
Paul wrote:
Finally brethren, if there is anything that is true, anything that is noble, righteous or pure; if anything is lovely or of good report; if there is any virtue, anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.
(Phil 5:9)
A great challenge! To not allow myself the luxury of negative thoughts (which sap the life out of me), but to focus only on good things. Wouldn't we all be happier people? And nicer to be around!!!
Let me be like that.
The Dare for today is to destroy the Depreciation Room, and to find something to praise in my wife. I did that last night!!! Now I will have to find something else to praise her for. Isnt it good that she has plenty of good in her?!!
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Day Seven
Day 7 (1st Feb 2012)
Love believes the best.
The author writes about 2 "rooms" in the hidden & private corridors of the heart. Two rooms that we often frequent. One is positive & the other is negative. Unfortunately for our relationships, human nature leads us to spend more time visiting the wrong room.
He calls these the Appreciation Room & the Depreciation Room.
The concept being promoted in The Love Dare is to write down all the things that "bug", annoy, frustrate, hurt you in your relationship, then burn them. Commit to yourself that you will never again go into the Depreciation Room except to pray positively for them. When you were in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, you liked more things about your partner. It's time to focus on those, and to choose to emark on a lifetime of finding praise points about her. Live continually in the Appreciation Room.
Pick somebody you know: not just your spouse, but it could be a sibling or cousin or workmate. You know things about that person that belong in the Appreciation Room, AND things for the Depreciation Room. Everybody has good points, and things in their lives that are less pleasing when they look "in the mirror".
Now think about your spouse. Before you married, your Appreciation Room was filled with him/her. Even the faults seemed to fit in there!
Of course, the challenge today is to deal with what's in the Depreciation Room.
* * * * *
Many years ago, I heard a great sermon about dealing with offence. Offences will come to all of us. If we choose to be people of love, then we need to make a choice to respond as people of love.
Will I judge and condemn? Will I feel sorry for myself? Will I speak good things?
I like the old saying:
"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
I have been working hard on that in my own life. Sometimes I slip and it ends up hurting those I love, as I said yesterday. That comes when we forget to let go, and we hold in our feelings instead of talking honestly and gently through it.
I have been learning that it's not enough just to try to control my tongue. I must choose to not let myself THINK anything negative. Negative thoughts destroy my inner peace and I become cranky. Even if I try to hide it, it comes out and hurts those I love. So I must not even THINK negative thoughts. They are too damaging.
* * * * *
There is a great challenge in Galatians chapter 6:
Sow to the flesh & you'll reap death.
Sow to the Spirit & you'll reap life.
Don't get tired of doing what is good, for there will be a good harvest if we don't give up.
My choice is to speak and pray blessing and good words for 3 reasons:
1) To bring a good harvest for my wife and family.
2) To stop myself from destroying my life and my family with negative thoughts.
3) To set an example and to be an agent of peace in my home.
The sermon I referred to earlier challenged us:
Don't nurse your offense;
Don't curse the situation (ie just speak positive things)
Don't rehearse it (don't play over it in my mind, don't make it bigger, don't plan words to say next time in argument!)
Instead:
Disperse it (by giving it to God;) &
Reverse it (by changing the atmosphere with blessing and good words, thoughts & prayers).
The challenge: to tell your beloved something good about them that you like.
Liz has so many great qualities. She is a VERY caring and loving person, who is not afraid to speak about things that matter. Because she loves. I have in the past stuck my head in the sand. She gives and gives of herself to those she loves. I can really respect and honour that. She also has so much wisdom and understanding of life, I stand in awe. I have made so many mistakes, and it amazes me how much more aware and knowledgable she is. She is also so creative. Anyone who sees her blogs will testify to that - she has only had her camera a short time, but what AMAZING photography already.
Love believes the best.
The author writes about 2 "rooms" in the hidden & private corridors of the heart. Two rooms that we often frequent. One is positive & the other is negative. Unfortunately for our relationships, human nature leads us to spend more time visiting the wrong room.
He calls these the Appreciation Room & the Depreciation Room.
The concept being promoted in The Love Dare is to write down all the things that "bug", annoy, frustrate, hurt you in your relationship, then burn them. Commit to yourself that you will never again go into the Depreciation Room except to pray positively for them. When you were in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, you liked more things about your partner. It's time to focus on those, and to choose to emark on a lifetime of finding praise points about her. Live continually in the Appreciation Room.
Pick somebody you know: not just your spouse, but it could be a sibling or cousin or workmate. You know things about that person that belong in the Appreciation Room, AND things for the Depreciation Room. Everybody has good points, and things in their lives that are less pleasing when they look "in the mirror".
Now think about your spouse. Before you married, your Appreciation Room was filled with him/her. Even the faults seemed to fit in there!
Of course, the challenge today is to deal with what's in the Depreciation Room.
* * * * *
Many years ago, I heard a great sermon about dealing with offence. Offences will come to all of us. If we choose to be people of love, then we need to make a choice to respond as people of love.
Will I judge and condemn? Will I feel sorry for myself? Will I speak good things?
I like the old saying:
"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
I have been working hard on that in my own life. Sometimes I slip and it ends up hurting those I love, as I said yesterday. That comes when we forget to let go, and we hold in our feelings instead of talking honestly and gently through it.
I have been learning that it's not enough just to try to control my tongue. I must choose to not let myself THINK anything negative. Negative thoughts destroy my inner peace and I become cranky. Even if I try to hide it, it comes out and hurts those I love. So I must not even THINK negative thoughts. They are too damaging.
* * * * *
There is a great challenge in Galatians chapter 6:
Sow to the flesh & you'll reap death.
Sow to the Spirit & you'll reap life.
Don't get tired of doing what is good, for there will be a good harvest if we don't give up.
My choice is to speak and pray blessing and good words for 3 reasons:
1) To bring a good harvest for my wife and family.
2) To stop myself from destroying my life and my family with negative thoughts.
3) To set an example and to be an agent of peace in my home.
The sermon I referred to earlier challenged us:
Don't nurse your offense;
Don't curse the situation (ie just speak positive things)
Don't rehearse it (don't play over it in my mind, don't make it bigger, don't plan words to say next time in argument!)
Instead:
Disperse it (by giving it to God;) &
Reverse it (by changing the atmosphere with blessing and good words, thoughts & prayers).
The challenge: to tell your beloved something good about them that you like.
Liz has so many great qualities. She is a VERY caring and loving person, who is not afraid to speak about things that matter. Because she loves. I have in the past stuck my head in the sand. She gives and gives of herself to those she loves. I can really respect and honour that. She also has so much wisdom and understanding of life, I stand in awe. I have made so many mistakes, and it amazes me how much more aware and knowledgable she is. She is also so creative. Anyone who sees her blogs will testify to that - she has only had her camera a short time, but what AMAZING photography already.
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