Love Dare Day Ten

LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL

The author challenges us with the concept that unconditional love is about choice, and about taking on God's kind of love.

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The second time around I wrote:

"Day 10 (7th Dec 2011)

"Love is unconditional.

"Agape love. Freely given by choice. God's kind of love.

"While friendship & romantic love are great and necessary in a marriage, unconditional love must be the real foundation.

"How unconditional is my love for Liz? Is my love dependent on her response? Is it dependent on common ground? If so, it would have an unstable foundation.

"When we first came to love, it was after many hours of conversation. We discovered a connection between our hearts. We enjoyed each other's company.

"When we met in person, we began to build a "normal" relationship. Our weaknesses came into play and problems arose. Expectations. Lust. Fears, on both sides. These became strong enough to destroy us. I thank God for his unconditional love which has held us together, at times just by a thread."

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We are asked why we love our partner: why do I love Liz? If my answer focuses on temporal things, like her smile or her cooking or her supportiveness, then that would suggest my love was conditional. I can love those things about her, but my love should not be based on them.

How about the rest of the family? Do I genuinely love all of our children in a way that does not depend on their behaviour? How do I respond to their mistakes or even their deliberate faults? I may disagree or disapprove, but is my love unchanged?

I must say that although I truly believe my love for Liz is unconditional, my reactions and misunderstandings have been very conditional.

However:

Too often I misunderstood her, especially misunderstood her communication and actions. I misinterpreted them and felt judged, unloved, and my response was to become more insecure. In my insecurity I allowed myself to be drawn into conversations that I never should have had. I was convinced I was losing Liz, and totally misunderstood that she was crying out for me to be a MAN, to be a clear and strong leader she could trust. And I in my miserable self-pity nearly did destroy her love. Because I made assumptions.

All the time I thought I was loving her unconditionally. I was actually just expecting her to fit MY mould, MY expectations, and had backed her into a corner. I was destroying her and she was crying out to be heard. Talk about miscommunication! I am now deeply ashamed that I didn't listen with an open heart!!!

Now we have conversations about the same issues and I no longer feel threatened. I now understand that Liz is needing to be heard and I need to listen without feeling judged. What I assumed was judgment was just the sort of honest, genuine communication I had never known.

You see, even though I believed I was loving unconditionally, I was loving to be loved (if that makes sense).  I don't think I really "got it" the first time through - a lot of my daily comments, while they were seeking to change myself - show me that a lot of how I had related to Liz, and indeed to everyone around me, was based on my own need for affirmation.  So f I didn't feel affirmed, I fell into self-pity INSTEAD of looking to the greater needs of those I love. 

Loving to be loved.  I had to be challenged frequently until I understood.  I think I loved with a platitude of unconditionality, but was really giving generously of myself because I needed a response.  In my own insecurity I needed to know I was loved.  I needed to undergo a journey of reevaluation, to come to terms with being the man I am, secure in myself, secure in my opinions, secure in God. 

As I have referred elsewhere to the book The Resolution for Men, that other book has been challenging me to be a man who can be counted on, not because I try harder, but because I know the secret of being strong in myself (with God, of course).  A man must never seek to find his identity in his family.  He is supposed to give his family their identity.  I was NOT that sort of man.  If Liz didn't give me the affirmation I felt I needed, I felt hard-done-by, and sulked and fell into self-pity.  I looked to blame others for how I felt.  That is totally wrong!! 

How was that unconditional love???  I have had to learn, by almost losing another marriage, to look for my own strength and from THAT vantage point, I am free to give love unconditionally.  Because I don't need to seek it, and because I am able to CHOOSE to give it. 

I'm not there yet, but I'm on the path.

How about you?