Love Dare Day Eleven

Day 11 (7th - 13th Feb)

LOVE CHERISHES

How consistently do I cherish Liz?

The scripture is quoted:
Love your wife as your own body.

We are told that when we marry we become one flesh. So I ought to care for my wife just as sensitively and carefully as I look after myself. Sure, we may sometimes mistreat our bodies, but mainly we treat ourselves with care. We eat when hungry, nurse whatever is hurt, we clean, cover and protect ourselves.

The author of The Love Dare challenges us: what about when my spouse is hurting, afraid, worried, stressed, in pain? How does cherishing show itself when my wife has a problem that is bothering her? It is important to her. Will I choose to make it important to me also?

As I have read book after book on relationships, and watched tv shows and movies through the years, I have this observation:

In too many marriages, the husband shuts out his wife's talk. I have heard so many men make jokes about "nagging wives", and I have heard SO many times from other men the comments about "Keeping out of trouble". Too many men dismiss their wives' concerns as emotionalism.

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We need to throw the word "nag" out of our vocabulary. It's time we men learned to genuinely listen and cherish as we listen. If our wives are ever to know they are loved, we need to change our attitude forever.

Men, it shouldn't be like that!!! I have been learning that wives speak because they need us to hear them, to actually listen and take them seriously. Men need to reassure their wives that their feelings, opinions and fears MATTER to them. How can a wife feel secure if she feels undervalued?

My own response to Liz has been the subject of my study these last few days. Do I truly cherish her? If so, how do my words (& thoughts!!) reflect that? When I find myself shutting her out or disagreeing with her, I have been consciously asking myself, "Is this cherishing?" It is an interesting exercise. It is making me change the way I think, the way I listen, and how I respond.

Cherish. It's a word that speaks of tenderness and care. Like a caress of the heart. Does your heart caress the heart of your spouse? Does the term tender mercies strike a chord in you? It should. It needs to.

Lamentations ch 3 says:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.

Is my life, is your life, a reflection of that? How do you treat those around you? With mercy? With grace? With kindness? Too often I have fallen short of the mark. But I am working on it now!!!!!

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Last time I wrote:

"Day 11 (7th Dec)

"Love cherishes.

"Liz is a part of me.
How does that change the way I interact with her or speak to her?

"Do I really treat her as well as I treat myself? Do I protect her from criticism as I would protect myself? Do I respect her needs as I respect my own?

" Or do I expect her to meet my needs? Not in the obvious ways - my "selfless" mask wouldn't let me do that ! ...

"What about my need for affirmation, or to feel good, to be touched, to be acknowledged or feel welcomed? What do I do? I often force my way in to her personal space and disregard Liz' feelings so I can feel better.

"That is NOT cherishing her as myself!!! Do I think negatively about things she has said, or do I CHERISH her and protect her?"

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As we have already learned, love is so much more than emotion.  Emotions come and go.  When we allow our love to grow into genuine love, it becomes something deeper and permanent.  It becomes a choice from the depths of my heart.  As we go through the interaction and struggles of daily life, it is easy to become reactive, selfish, to perhaps take the other person for granted, and even to begin to see them through the eyes of our hurt.  We make misjudgements about their motives, interpreting their actions in ways they never intended.  I have been guilty of that.

I think sometimes I became caught in the pattern of "rejection", in which a person feels rejection and reads rejection into the words and actions of those closest to them.  Perhaps it comes from a fear of loss, or from a sense of personal insufficiency.  But something I have noticed is that when I feel rejected, I think I must behave in ways that then make Liz feel rejected.  We both feel out of sorts (at least, I think that's how it is), and the reality is that neither wants to feel that way, and neither wants the other to feel that way. 

So I make the choice to CHERISH her in all things.  To stay in the "Appreciation Room".  To reflect on the amazing qualities that I truly admire about her.  To let Liz FEEL loved and wanted.  To cherish.  A bit like the old wedding vows:

... to love and to cherish ... as long as we both shall live (in all circumstances!)