LOVE DARE DAY 13

LOVE FIGHTS FAIR

Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand.

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I start by quoting from the first paragraph:
"Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot ... , you joined not only your hopes & dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, & emotional baggage.... Welcome to fallen humanity."

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The challenge here is to learn to "deal.. with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side."

I have to sadly admit that I have not had a good history of dealing with conflict.

I pride myself on being a peacemaker. Maybe coward is a better word. Or bully. I'm not sure which. I'm not a violent and aggressive man at all, so the mask of humility well covers whatever my faults really are.

I have my own opinions in life. But as I have been discovering to my own shock in the last year or so, many of my opinions are wrong and much of my knowledge is flawed. What happened to the sure young man who was invincible 30 years ago?

I have had to humbly admit in so many areas that I really don't know as much as I thought, & that I am not as wise either. I discovered that by marrying someone knows so much more, & actually is a lot wiser than I am.

However, I still make the mistake of speaking without really knowing. You'd think I'd learn!

No, I am not aggressive or violent. But I do bottle up my hurts (though I convince myself I am not), and this comes out when I am really frustrated. Take last night. I was speaking calmly but trying to force conversation at a bad time (Fool!) and eventually did lose my temper and yell. Both actions scream out that I behaved as a bully! And in doing so, I destroy the work of rebuilding that has been going on in our relationship. How could Liz trust me and feel safe with me when I didn't respect her request to be left alone, and ended up shouting at her?????

Back in 2010 Liz asked me to learn to listen, and to always give her space so can process things, so we don't fight. I did for a while. Then I went back to old behaviour. The old me wants to fix everything NOW, when wisdom says to step back and allow the other to breathe & to think.

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So the Challenge today is to establish healthy rules of engagement. Issues like never mentioning divorce, not bringing up old, unrelated items, never fighting in public or in front of children (GUILTY!!), calling timeouts, never going to bed angry, refusing to accept failure.

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It's time for me to make some resolutions:

- To LISTEN to the end. Not to speak until it really is my turn.

- Dealing with my own issues up front.

- Speaking gently with my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Prov 15:1

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The chapter finishes thus:

"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."

God knows I have destroyed enough bridges already.

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So to add to my big discovery of the year is a second word that I will do well to dwell on.

My 2 words are:

CHERISH  &  LISTEN