This study looks at the perfect love, unity and togetherness of the Trinity. The call is for marriages to reflect that relationship.
Putting the other person in our marriage first, treating their body as our body, respecting and honoring them as we desire to be respected and honoured. This is the call. And dealing with everything that seeks to destroy that unity.
"Day 30 Unity (first time through)
"What am I doing that may be destroying our chance of unity?
"Not giving Liz space?
"Not resolving differences over the kids?
"I must back Liz when she speaks to the kids, even if I disagree. We must remain in unity. But for the sake of unity we must discuss the difficult issues, the areas of difference.
"We need to discuss last nights comments. Liz said that I had not believed her, that I had disagreed but not said so. I need to let her know what I felt. And why I didn't tell her what I disagreed with. She needs to know I love her enough to want to discuss everything without fear. "
"Day 30 (3rd Jan; second time)
"Love brings unity.
"The unity of the Godhead is complete and special. God has chosen the unique relationship of husband and wife to represent His internal unity in a special way to the world.
"He uses this imagery to explain his love for the church.
"Protect the unity and sanctity of my marriage in every way. I must guard and cover our relationship. I need to honour Liz and lift her up as my equal, my partner, as part of me.
"Satan is bent on destroying unity in marriages everywhere. He must not be allowed to succeed. I need to guard my heart against every thought, every feeling that works against our unity.
"I must keep remembering to "sow to the Spirit". "
The whole issue of unity is a continuing one. Open, honest communication is needed, where each of us is able to speak and to listen. To hear without judging. To give without demanding. To receive also.
I want to do whatever it takes to improve the unity in our marriage. One thing I have done by habit, I suppose out of a misguided fear of disunity, was to avoid confrontation. I have habitually avoided or gone quiet when I feel uncomfortable, when I don't agree, or when I don't know what to say.
I guess that Liz would assume my silence means disapproval. Perhaps it even makes her feel rejected or undervalued. I will have to ask her. It's not what I mean to convey. Sometimes I just feel awkward. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I am afraid of my opinions being rejected. Sometimes I actually do disagree. That's not usually the actual reality, but I am sure that it is the impression I convey.
I don't Liz feeling disapproved or undervalued. Or rejected. I want her to know her opinions matter to me. I want her to know she is loved and valued very highly. I will have to talk this one through with her. I want that unity with her. It is very important to me. I love Liz and want her to feel safe in our love, safe in our marriage, secure and loved.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Day 29 LOVE'S MOTIVATION
So this study is a challenge to keep God in his rightful place on the throne of our hearts. The authors contend that our ability to love, & keep loving, will be determined by our relationship with the King of Love. How true!!!
Perhaps because I had been lonely as a single dad, or maybe it's just an existing flaw in my character, but when I met Liz I fell into idolatry.
God says, "You shall have no other gods before Me". All my life revolved around Liz. My behaviours and habits changed. I lived to please her. And she hated it. She often said so. Loved me, hated the obsession. And rightly so. It nearly destroyed us. Because I was stifling Liz.
I have a better focus on Jesus Christ again now, but I often slip. My heart worships him more now. My challenge is to continue setting my priorities into the correct order. With the motivation of His love in my heart, I can love His way. And only God's way is true, secure, and pure.
"Day 29 (2nd Jan) Love's Motivation
"My first motivation in all I do, needs to be God. "Do all to the glory of God".
"Any time my attention slips from God as my central and primary focus, I will end up failing. I can only expect His blessing and support when my life is set in the best order of priorities: God first, others second, myself last. Liz is of course first on the list of others, and my children need my undivided love and attention as well, but any time God is less than number one, I will end up in hot water.
"Love motivated by duty, or by favourable conditions, cannot be permanent but love that is lifted up as an offering to God - returned to him in gratitude ... - is able to sustain itself when all other reasons have lost their ability to energise us.
"Think: what a privilege that God has given Liz to me, to be able to love her as Jesus loves me!!!
"As we rebuild our relationship, we are so much happier together. But the danger here for me is that I can forget that it is still "one step at a time". I again felt confused, frustrated and lonely last night. I had to consciously tell myself to get out of self pity. We are closer but I was expecting us to be even closer. When I am loving Liz because Gods love motivates me, there is no room for self: only room to be more concerned for her needs than my own. It was a timely reminder for me to be sowing to the Spirit for a harvest of LIFE!!!!!"
"Day 29, 12th Nov
"Loving Liz unconditionally because My first commitment is love and honour to God.
"Also - I think I was working on a subconscious principle of tryi g to own Liz. Must apologize.
"Also for feeling sorry for myself when my real heart should have been earnestly for Liz. "
Perhaps because I had been lonely as a single dad, or maybe it's just an existing flaw in my character, but when I met Liz I fell into idolatry.
God says, "You shall have no other gods before Me". All my life revolved around Liz. My behaviours and habits changed. I lived to please her. And she hated it. She often said so. Loved me, hated the obsession. And rightly so. It nearly destroyed us. Because I was stifling Liz.
I have a better focus on Jesus Christ again now, but I often slip. My heart worships him more now. My challenge is to continue setting my priorities into the correct order. With the motivation of His love in my heart, I can love His way. And only God's way is true, secure, and pure.
"Day 29 (2nd Jan) Love's Motivation
"My first motivation in all I do, needs to be God. "Do all to the glory of God".
"Any time my attention slips from God as my central and primary focus, I will end up failing. I can only expect His blessing and support when my life is set in the best order of priorities: God first, others second, myself last. Liz is of course first on the list of others, and my children need my undivided love and attention as well, but any time God is less than number one, I will end up in hot water.
"Love motivated by duty, or by favourable conditions, cannot be permanent but love that is lifted up as an offering to God - returned to him in gratitude ... - is able to sustain itself when all other reasons have lost their ability to energise us.
"Think: what a privilege that God has given Liz to me, to be able to love her as Jesus loves me!!!
"As we rebuild our relationship, we are so much happier together. But the danger here for me is that I can forget that it is still "one step at a time". I again felt confused, frustrated and lonely last night. I had to consciously tell myself to get out of self pity. We are closer but I was expecting us to be even closer. When I am loving Liz because Gods love motivates me, there is no room for self: only room to be more concerned for her needs than my own. It was a timely reminder for me to be sowing to the Spirit for a harvest of LIFE!!!!!"
"Day 29, 12th Nov
"Loving Liz unconditionally because My first commitment is love and honour to God.
"Also - I think I was working on a subconscious principle of tryi g to own Liz. Must apologize.
"Also for feeling sorry for myself when my real heart should have been earnestly for Liz. "
Friday, 22 June 2012
Day 28. LOVE MAKES SACRIFICES
Today's study challenges us in the area of giving unselfishly to the other, looking for her needs, looking for the signs that tell me she has a need that I can help with. It may be at this point in the movie (Love Dare) that the husband secretly used the savings for his boat to provide a hospital bed for his wife's mother.
I have always seen myself as a person who puts others first. But I know there are plenty of ways I have let Liz down by being so preoccupied with my activities, whether playing or writing the music that is so important to me, or caught up in reading a book, that I miss some of her needs, and I also miss noticing other things in the home. This places huge stress on Liz, and probably makes her feel unloved.
When we first married, I would stay up very late with Liz, letting her talk from her heart in the early hours of the morning, massaging her painful back and legs and feet. Now I am so tired at night, I am falling asleep over a book or at my computer, and I have to go to bed. I am sure this makes her feel unloved and unappreciated.
My Dare must be to give up those things at night and again give Liz the time and attention she needs. Every wife needs to know she is the most important thing to her husband, or I suppose she feels insecure. My role must include letting Liz know in her heart, by regular experience, that she can be secure in my love, and in knowing that I will not place other things as more important than her and than our family.
I have always seen myself as a person who puts others first. But I know there are plenty of ways I have let Liz down by being so preoccupied with my activities, whether playing or writing the music that is so important to me, or caught up in reading a book, that I miss some of her needs, and I also miss noticing other things in the home. This places huge stress on Liz, and probably makes her feel unloved.
When we first married, I would stay up very late with Liz, letting her talk from her heart in the early hours of the morning, massaging her painful back and legs and feet. Now I am so tired at night, I am falling asleep over a book or at my computer, and I have to go to bed. I am sure this makes her feel unloved and unappreciated.
My Dare must be to give up those things at night and again give Liz the time and attention she needs. Every wife needs to know she is the most important thing to her husband, or I suppose she feels insecure. My role must include letting Liz know in her heart, by regular experience, that she can be secure in my love, and in knowing that I will not place other things as more important than her and than our family.
Thursday, 21 June 2012
DAY 27; LOVE ENCOURAGES
The study today talks about encouragement. The need for us to build each other up. Encouraging, supporting, making it possible for our partner to keep going, keep believing, keep strong.
A large aspect touched on in the study is to challenge us regarding the flip side of the topic. How do we discourage our spouse? What am I doing, what should I NOT be doing, that perhaps gives her the feeling of not being supported and loved? Do I let Liz know I believe in her? I think I do this. I tell her often that I love her, and try to encourage her in her struggles with physical pain and tough emotional issues. And I love encouraging her in her creative outlet, the photography which has brought her such a great new lease on life.
Do I place a burden of expectation on Liz? I certainly try not to. As part of the Dare for today, I will ask Liz that question. Possibly I do without thinking of it in those terms. I often forget to put my paperwork away (bills etc). I mean to pay them and then file them away. Maybe Liz feels that I am leaving it for her to do. I hope not - but perhaps my forgetfulness can be a burden of this nature.
Another aspect of encouragement is allowing the other person to be free to be who they are, not trying to make them fit some image we have placed on them. I think I'm ok in that regard, but I will also ask that privately.
Day 27 (27 Dec)
Love encourages.
Build my relationship with Liz by encouragement, not by expectation.
Day 27 (first time through)
* Expectations I have placed on Liz:
To be affectionate and there just for me, especially at dinner time when I arrive home, when she has so much else to deal with, & for her it is the hardest time of day.
* Appreciations I had of Liz right from the beginning:
Her conversation, our dialogue, our open & frank discussions.
Her ability to commit fully in conversation.
Her lovely smile
Her ability to have fun
(And others I have not added here)
* Need:
To talk about our fears
Strength: Greg's comment, that while a lady needs to be loved, & needs affection, her FIRST need in her husband is strength.
If so, my entire premise of nurturing Liz first has been our undoing.
Of course I need to be caring and gentle and expressive and creative, but FIRST I must be strong and dependable. No excuses that I am creative and compassionate will do at all. FIRST be strong, then be me, but never compromise the strength, or I will again undermine the stability of our relationship all over again.
A large aspect touched on in the study is to challenge us regarding the flip side of the topic. How do we discourage our spouse? What am I doing, what should I NOT be doing, that perhaps gives her the feeling of not being supported and loved? Do I let Liz know I believe in her? I think I do this. I tell her often that I love her, and try to encourage her in her struggles with physical pain and tough emotional issues. And I love encouraging her in her creative outlet, the photography which has brought her such a great new lease on life.
Do I place a burden of expectation on Liz? I certainly try not to. As part of the Dare for today, I will ask Liz that question. Possibly I do without thinking of it in those terms. I often forget to put my paperwork away (bills etc). I mean to pay them and then file them away. Maybe Liz feels that I am leaving it for her to do. I hope not - but perhaps my forgetfulness can be a burden of this nature.
Another aspect of encouragement is allowing the other person to be free to be who they are, not trying to make them fit some image we have placed on them. I think I'm ok in that regard, but I will also ask that privately.
Day 27 (27 Dec)
Love encourages.
Build my relationship with Liz by encouragement, not by expectation.
Day 27 (first time through)
* Expectations I have placed on Liz:
To be affectionate and there just for me, especially at dinner time when I arrive home, when she has so much else to deal with, & for her it is the hardest time of day.
* Appreciations I had of Liz right from the beginning:
Her conversation, our dialogue, our open & frank discussions.
Her ability to commit fully in conversation.
Her lovely smile
Her ability to have fun
(And others I have not added here)
* Need:
To talk about our fears
Strength: Greg's comment, that while a lady needs to be loved, & needs affection, her FIRST need in her husband is strength.
If so, my entire premise of nurturing Liz first has been our undoing.
Of course I need to be caring and gentle and expressive and creative, but FIRST I must be strong and dependable. No excuses that I am creative and compassionate will do at all. FIRST be strong, then be me, but never compromise the strength, or I will again undermine the stability of our relationship all over again.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Day 26. Personal Responsibility
The first time through The Love Dare, on Day 26 I made the following list, which became the basis of a letter of very serious apology to Liz. I won't give here the letter, but it was something I wrestled with determination to complete.
I meant it with all my heart, and I still do. The legacy of my faults still affects our relationship, although Liz did forgive me. Trust broken is a hard thing to regain.
"Broken promises; Impatience; Lust; Seducing; Backsliding; Not seeking help before marriage; Control; Manipulation; Impurity; Resentment; Shutting down; Not sharing my honest opinions; Involved others; Deceiving; Lying; Justifying; Self righteousness.
"Masks of being:
Loving; Caring; Gentle; Generous; Forgiving; Giving; Genuinely concerned."
Regardless of the truth of some of these masks as part of my character, as I searched my heart I had to ask myself whether I perhaps wore these qualities as masks because of my own insecurities. I had to conclude that often these masks were used to control, to make myself feel better, to get the results I wanted.
This Day (taking several days to work through) became the major turning point of our relationship. As I took serious responsibility for my faults instead of blaming Liz in my heart for our problems, she was able to process some of the struggles and found forgiveness for me.
The 2nd time through I wrote:
Day 26 (24th/25th Dec)
"Love is responsible.
"Taking full responsibility for myself, for my role in the home and at work, taking full responsibility for the health of our marriage.
"Not blaming, not even allowing myself to ever think on anything I may perceive as failure or fault in Liz. But willing only to take responsibility as husband, as the man, and to grow up and BE the man of wisdom, action, decision and strength that God created me to be.
"It is time to take the wheel.
"Bible readings today:
"Gen 32:24ff
"'Jacob wrestled ALL NIGHT and saw that he needed to hang on for a blessing. He was strong and tenacious. Just as he proved by working 20 years for a selfish relative.'
"1 Tim 1:1-2
"Do I really recognize my need for Gods authority and blessing? Is Jesus truly my hope? Am I a true child of God? How faithful have I been?
"The Sandfords write about the need to be in fellowship, in corporate praise, having Communion regularly, for me to remain and walk clean. I have preached this myself, many times. Where has my obedience and faithfulness gone?
"It is time for me to be the man, take responsibility for myself, my marriage, my family, and regain what I have lost. Only here will I find the hope and the miracles to save my family and find healing for us all."
Back to 19th June 2012.
It's amazing how we slip as humans, and forget the good we have attained. We make decisions and forget to follow through. We see the great results, then later find ourselves missing out on them. Or is that just me?
I have to remind myself daily of my choices, to stay walking in the best ways. I love Liz so very dearly, but I forget to take the time to let her feel loved. I speak my love to her. But I must never forget to keep blessing her so she feels loved. I tell her she is beautiful, but I must remember to take time to do the things that let her know it's not just nice words.
I choose again to keep taking responsibility as husband, to make the difference in our relationship. To not allow myself to look at Liz' faults, and to be more serious about dealing with my own.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Day 25 LOVE FORGIVES
The last time through The Love Dare,
I noted these things:
"Love forgives.
"Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won't.
"Forgiveness releases me from a prison I have created."
Crucial to our entire existence as Christians, yet so often not dealt with, is this issue of forgiveness. Heb 4:16 instruct us to "come boldly to the throne of grace" to "obtain mercy" and "find grace".
What is this mercy and grace? It is God looking at us through eyes that choose to treat us in a manner far better than the way we deserve. So too is how we need to live in love with our wives or husbands.
The so-called Lord's Prayer highlights this also:
"...and forgive us as we also forgive ..."
When he finished giving his disciples this model for prayer, Jesus reinforced his main point by saying,
"For if you don't forgive, you won't be forgiven".
Daily home life brings many emotions our way. The closeness of marriage is good sandpaper for the soul. The faults we would never suspect of ourselves become evident in the reactions we make resulting from interchange between husband and wife, and indeed the whole of family life. We react internally (in negative ways) to something said by our spouse, but if a friend or colleague said it, we would not have the same negative interpretation of their words. Somehow the process of becoming "one flesh" brings with it the scriptural truth of "sandpaper ministry". Iron sharpens iron. God uses us as sandpaper for each other, smoothing out our rough bits. I hope I am getting smoother and easier to love.
My experience has shown me that I still need to remind myself daily of the urgency of forgiveness towards Liz. No matter what happens, what is said in the course of our conversations (and we are doing extremely well now in our relationship: the tensions of last year have been left behind) must be tempered by the reminder to stay OUT of the depreciation room.
There will always be something that we can interpret as an attack, a criticism, a put-down, a feeling of hurt through ridicule, a lack of honour or respect: the question is NEVER how to change the other, but to see them through the eyes of love.
In my experience it took many months of pain and tension between us, & eventually reading an amazing book titled "Love & Respect" that showed me the differences in how men and women relate, and how they process life, and how they express themselves. Then I could see that Liz was not attacking me: she was crying out for me to listen. I was feeling attacked, and running to hide inside, until I discovered this amazing truth. She didn't understand that the way she spoke made me feel like I was under attack. She was crying out to be heard. Male and female have different voices. Learning to forgive, and to listen differently, helped to change our marriage. It restored some calm and order.
In most of our daily lives there are not any enormous issues to forgive - and they are obvious if they happen, so forgiveness is a issue that is recognized. In married life it's more about keeping short accounts, about not allowing the "little foxes" to "spoil the vines".
That's where we are, I think. Learning to just love each other and see each other through the eyes of mercy and grace. We are imperfect human beings. I have a most amazing wife. But sometimes I forget to hear what she is really saying. At those times I may feel hurt etc, and it's up to me to remind myself to not let anything, ever, come between us.
So even though Liz usually hasn't done or said anything out of order, if I misinterpret and temporarily feel hurt, the onus is on me to forgive and seek to understand.
Somebody posted on Facebook last week a sign. It was meant to be the voice of women to men. It said something like this:
"If it seems like I'm complaining it's not that I'm angry with you: it's because I trust you."
We have had our times when small things turned to big issues, miscommunication turned to resentments, hurt turned to angry defence, and apologies and forgiveness took time to process. That was a horribly messy time for us.
But it all starts with the small things in everyday family life. Will we forgive every little mistake, the things that seem too small and petty, that we might otherwise ignore or forget? If we leave them not forgiven, they have potential to grow into "roots of bitterness" - and bitterness is a terrible cancer that spreads and destroys.
I work hard to keep "short accounts" with my emotions. Yes, I have feelings. But I am determined to never again allow grudges to grow. If Christ could give himself completely in death for me because of his grace and mercy, then than is how I choose to live also. To live in grace and mercy towards Liz, our children, and everybody else - Christ died for them too.
I noted these things:
"Love forgives.
"Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won't.
"Forgiveness releases me from a prison I have created."
Crucial to our entire existence as Christians, yet so often not dealt with, is this issue of forgiveness. Heb 4:16 instruct us to "come boldly to the throne of grace" to "obtain mercy" and "find grace".
What is this mercy and grace? It is God looking at us through eyes that choose to treat us in a manner far better than the way we deserve. So too is how we need to live in love with our wives or husbands.
The so-called Lord's Prayer highlights this also:
"...and forgive us as we also forgive ..."
When he finished giving his disciples this model for prayer, Jesus reinforced his main point by saying,
"For if you don't forgive, you won't be forgiven".
Daily home life brings many emotions our way. The closeness of marriage is good sandpaper for the soul. The faults we would never suspect of ourselves become evident in the reactions we make resulting from interchange between husband and wife, and indeed the whole of family life. We react internally (in negative ways) to something said by our spouse, but if a friend or colleague said it, we would not have the same negative interpretation of their words. Somehow the process of becoming "one flesh" brings with it the scriptural truth of "sandpaper ministry". Iron sharpens iron. God uses us as sandpaper for each other, smoothing out our rough bits. I hope I am getting smoother and easier to love.
My experience has shown me that I still need to remind myself daily of the urgency of forgiveness towards Liz. No matter what happens, what is said in the course of our conversations (and we are doing extremely well now in our relationship: the tensions of last year have been left behind) must be tempered by the reminder to stay OUT of the depreciation room.
There will always be something that we can interpret as an attack, a criticism, a put-down, a feeling of hurt through ridicule, a lack of honour or respect: the question is NEVER how to change the other, but to see them through the eyes of love.
In my experience it took many months of pain and tension between us, & eventually reading an amazing book titled "Love & Respect" that showed me the differences in how men and women relate, and how they process life, and how they express themselves. Then I could see that Liz was not attacking me: she was crying out for me to listen. I was feeling attacked, and running to hide inside, until I discovered this amazing truth. She didn't understand that the way she spoke made me feel like I was under attack. She was crying out to be heard. Male and female have different voices. Learning to forgive, and to listen differently, helped to change our marriage. It restored some calm and order.
In most of our daily lives there are not any enormous issues to forgive - and they are obvious if they happen, so forgiveness is a issue that is recognized. In married life it's more about keeping short accounts, about not allowing the "little foxes" to "spoil the vines".
That's where we are, I think. Learning to just love each other and see each other through the eyes of mercy and grace. We are imperfect human beings. I have a most amazing wife. But sometimes I forget to hear what she is really saying. At those times I may feel hurt etc, and it's up to me to remind myself to not let anything, ever, come between us.
So even though Liz usually hasn't done or said anything out of order, if I misinterpret and temporarily feel hurt, the onus is on me to forgive and seek to understand.
Somebody posted on Facebook last week a sign. It was meant to be the voice of women to men. It said something like this:
"If it seems like I'm complaining it's not that I'm angry with you: it's because I trust you."
We have had our times when small things turned to big issues, miscommunication turned to resentments, hurt turned to angry defence, and apologies and forgiveness took time to process. That was a horribly messy time for us.
But it all starts with the small things in everyday family life. Will we forgive every little mistake, the things that seem too small and petty, that we might otherwise ignore or forget? If we leave them not forgiven, they have potential to grow into "roots of bitterness" - and bitterness is a terrible cancer that spreads and destroys.
I work hard to keep "short accounts" with my emotions. Yes, I have feelings. But I am determined to never again allow grudges to grow. If Christ could give himself completely in death for me because of his grace and mercy, then than is how I choose to live also. To live in grace and mercy towards Liz, our children, and everybody else - Christ died for them too.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Day 24 LOVE VS LUST
This has been a difficult one for me to work through. In all of these studies I try to take something that will be a challenge to my own life, to help me become a better husband for Liz.
As a young man I struggled with lust. But I was determined to win over it, and I think I have. So I have been taking my time with this study. I didn't want to just pass it by, and perhaps seem as if I was avoiding the topic for some reason.
So I needed to dig deeper. What is lust? It is strong desire, usually for something that is not a healthy "want" for us. It is a strong desire that dominates our thoughts enough to put us out of balance.
The most obvious form of lust is sexual. Hence the story of David and Bathsheba, Samson & Delilah, hence the huge problems in our world today with paedophilia, pornography, etc.
We can also have lust, or strong desire that takes us over to the point of sin, in many other ways.
In our society we talk of someone having a "lust for life", & that is a good thing. Unless it turns into boundary-breaking that affects others and leads to bad behaviour, or drug abuse.
Christian faith is a very good thing. Unfortunately some take it too far and in their religious fervour it becomes an obsession which destroys families and communities. I have lived through situations where a pastor's desire to produce a church that pleased God was so strong it became a sort of lust to control and dominate, sadly causing churches to fall apart and causing Christians to lose their faith. I have lived through at least 2 of these situations and observed several others.
Perhaps an area where I have failed to control myself is in the area of worship. I love to write songs that will please God and touch hearts of worshippers. But it can also become my escape from life. Many times my family has missed out on my attention because my head has been lost in my music.
Worship is good. Music is good. The calling and giftings on my life are in music. But I must never let my need to create music deprive my family of the love, provision, discipline, watchful protection that they need. Does Liz really know I love her, if my head is so full of my newest song that I can't tell her what she just said to me? Do my girls know I really love them, if my obsession with going to the secret place of my music keeps me from listening to them properly, or worse: keeps me from acting to protect them from neglect and abuse they received as children (not from Liz - we only married in 2009).
Is it too easy to hide in a world of worship and avoid life? Is my "lust" to write actually fueled also by a fear of confrontation perhaps? Not that music is wrong. I was created to be creative - we were all made in the image of the Creator. But clearly I must find a balance. Before its too late for my children. And for the sake of Liz and our marriage. She needs to know she matters to me, more than my music, more than my own comfort, more than my own need to hide away.
It's time for me to change these things. Please if you read this, pray for me, that I will have strength and grace to break out of following my own desires, to learn to control them instead, and to be truly free to just live in my family, live as a good husband and father, without the lust or need to hide away.
The previous time through the Love Dare, I wrote:
Lust is the opposite of love.
Lust is deep desire that draws me away from God or my spouse.
It may be anything - desire for more money, possessions, etc.
Eyes heart actions
The first time through I questioned my need to be an enabler or servant in codependent relationships as being a type of lust. I think I have worked through a large part of that. I hope the tendency toward codependency has become much weaker in my life. I think it has. Still there, but being killed off little by little.
As a young man I struggled with lust. But I was determined to win over it, and I think I have. So I have been taking my time with this study. I didn't want to just pass it by, and perhaps seem as if I was avoiding the topic for some reason.
So I needed to dig deeper. What is lust? It is strong desire, usually for something that is not a healthy "want" for us. It is a strong desire that dominates our thoughts enough to put us out of balance.
The most obvious form of lust is sexual. Hence the story of David and Bathsheba, Samson & Delilah, hence the huge problems in our world today with paedophilia, pornography, etc.
We can also have lust, or strong desire that takes us over to the point of sin, in many other ways.
In our society we talk of someone having a "lust for life", & that is a good thing. Unless it turns into boundary-breaking that affects others and leads to bad behaviour, or drug abuse.
Christian faith is a very good thing. Unfortunately some take it too far and in their religious fervour it becomes an obsession which destroys families and communities. I have lived through situations where a pastor's desire to produce a church that pleased God was so strong it became a sort of lust to control and dominate, sadly causing churches to fall apart and causing Christians to lose their faith. I have lived through at least 2 of these situations and observed several others.
Perhaps an area where I have failed to control myself is in the area of worship. I love to write songs that will please God and touch hearts of worshippers. But it can also become my escape from life. Many times my family has missed out on my attention because my head has been lost in my music.
Worship is good. Music is good. The calling and giftings on my life are in music. But I must never let my need to create music deprive my family of the love, provision, discipline, watchful protection that they need. Does Liz really know I love her, if my head is so full of my newest song that I can't tell her what she just said to me? Do my girls know I really love them, if my obsession with going to the secret place of my music keeps me from listening to them properly, or worse: keeps me from acting to protect them from neglect and abuse they received as children (not from Liz - we only married in 2009).
Is it too easy to hide in a world of worship and avoid life? Is my "lust" to write actually fueled also by a fear of confrontation perhaps? Not that music is wrong. I was created to be creative - we were all made in the image of the Creator. But clearly I must find a balance. Before its too late for my children. And for the sake of Liz and our marriage. She needs to know she matters to me, more than my music, more than my own comfort, more than my own need to hide away.
It's time for me to change these things. Please if you read this, pray for me, that I will have strength and grace to break out of following my own desires, to learn to control them instead, and to be truly free to just live in my family, live as a good husband and father, without the lust or need to hide away.
The previous time through the Love Dare, I wrote:
Lust is the opposite of love.
Lust is deep desire that draws me away from God or my spouse.
It may be anything - desire for more money, possessions, etc.
Eyes heart actions
The first time through I questioned my need to be an enabler or servant in codependent relationships as being a type of lust. I think I have worked through a large part of that. I hope the tendency toward codependency has become much weaker in my life. I think it has. Still there, but being killed off little by little.
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