Day 25 LOVE FORGIVES

The last time through The Love Dare,
I noted these things:

"Love forgives.
"Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won't.
"Forgiveness releases me from a prison I have created."

Crucial to our entire existence as Christians, yet so often not dealt with, is this issue of forgiveness. Heb 4:16 instruct us to "come boldly to the throne of grace" to "obtain mercy" and "find grace".

What is this mercy and grace? It is God looking at us through eyes that choose to treat us in a manner far better than the way we deserve. So too is how we need to live in love with our wives or husbands.

The so-called Lord's Prayer highlights this also:
"...and forgive us as we also forgive ..."
When he finished giving his disciples this model for prayer, Jesus reinforced his main point by saying,
"For if you don't forgive, you won't be forgiven".

Daily home life brings many emotions our way. The closeness of marriage is good sandpaper for the soul. The faults we would never suspect of ourselves become evident in the reactions we make resulting from interchange between husband and wife, and indeed the whole of family life. We react internally (in negative ways) to something said by our spouse, but if a friend or colleague said it, we would not have the same negative interpretation of their words. Somehow the process of becoming "one flesh" brings with it the scriptural truth of "sandpaper ministry". Iron sharpens iron. God uses us as sandpaper for each other, smoothing out our rough bits. I hope I am getting smoother and easier to love.

My experience has shown me that I still need to remind myself daily of the urgency of forgiveness towards Liz. No matter what happens, what is said in the course of our conversations (and we are doing extremely well now in our relationship: the tensions of last year have been left behind) must be tempered by the reminder to stay OUT of the depreciation room.

There will always be something that we can interpret as an attack, a criticism, a put-down, a feeling of hurt through ridicule, a lack of honour or respect: the question is NEVER how to change the other, but to see them through the eyes of love.

In my experience it took many months of pain and tension between us, & eventually reading an amazing book titled "Love & Respect" that showed me the differences in how men and women relate, and how they process life, and how they express themselves. Then I could see that Liz was not attacking me: she was crying out for me to listen. I was feeling attacked, and running to hide inside, until I discovered this amazing truth. She didn't understand that the way she spoke made me feel like I was under attack. She was crying out to be heard. Male and female have different voices. Learning to forgive, and to listen differently, helped to change our marriage. It restored some calm and order.

In most of our daily lives there are not any enormous issues to forgive - and they are obvious if they happen, so forgiveness is a issue that is recognized. In married life it's more about keeping short accounts, about not allowing the "little foxes" to "spoil the vines".

That's where we are, I think. Learning to just love each other and see each other through the eyes of mercy and grace. We are imperfect human beings. I have a most amazing wife. But sometimes I forget to hear what she is really saying. At those times I may feel hurt etc, and it's up to me to remind myself to not let anything, ever, come between us.

So even though Liz usually hasn't done or said anything out of order, if I misinterpret and temporarily feel hurt, the onus is on me to forgive and seek to understand.

Somebody posted on Facebook last week a sign. It was meant to be the voice of women to men. It said something like this:

"If it seems like I'm complaining it's not that I'm angry with you: it's because I trust you."

We have had our times when small things turned to big issues, miscommunication turned to resentments, hurt turned to angry defence, and apologies and forgiveness took time to process. That was a horribly messy time for us.

But it all starts with the small things in everyday family life. Will we forgive every little mistake, the things that seem too small and petty, that we might otherwise ignore or forget? If we leave them not forgiven, they have potential to grow into "roots of bitterness" - and bitterness is a terrible cancer that spreads and destroys.

I work hard to keep "short accounts" with my emotions. Yes, I have feelings. But I am determined to never again allow grudges to grow. If Christ could give himself completely in death for me because of his grace and mercy, then than is how I choose to live also. To live in grace and mercy towards Liz, our children, and everybody else - Christ died for them too.