Day 6
Love is not Irritable
Before I continue, I must comment: I needed to take a short break to deal with issues of my heart. The question I raised about communication is still unresolved, and I need to continue down that path, but I realized it has sidetracked me from the Love Dare. So I will post the other thoughts on another page as they come to me.
I also needed to return to this study for my own growth.
Love is not irritable.
If you had asked me earlier, I would have assured you that I am not an irritable person. The many things in daily life that irritate many people around me don't affect me at all. I find it hard to understand how people let small things become huge problems.
Until I hit this study. Third time around. I'm a bit slow, aren't I?!!!!!
So this chapter quotes Prov 16:32,
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, & he who RULES HIS SPIRIT, than he who captures a city.
Am I hard to offend & quick to forgive? I thought I was. But it had to be pointed out to me that I had developed a habit of snapping at certain family members. I actually thought I was speaking with gentleness & self-control, having made a commitment to genuinely share my opinions. But apparently my irritability was even showing on my face! This shocked me.
Isn't it amazing - how we believe the masks we are wearing? So I have had to admit that there was irritability in my heart - towards people I actually love!! I don't want that. So I chose to pray and deal with this sinful response. I choose to love them. They are precious to me. So why would I allow myself to be irritated? This is why I took a few days off from my posts - I needed time to pull myself, my heart back into line.
"Hard to offend & quick to forgive." That's my choice.
My reading challenges me to ask myself,
Am I a calming breeze, or a storm waiting to happen?
Do I make a positive difference in my family?
How about you?
* * * * *
The author suggests 2 key influences in becoming irritable. Stress & selfishness.
Stress can be caused by relational issues, excessive causes, & deficiencies.
Relational: arguing, division, bitterness.
Excessive: overwork, overplaying, overspending.
Deficiencies: poor rest, nutrition or exercise.
Living wisely and sensibly helps reduce the stress. Taking time to rest, to worship, to relate. Living according to the guidelines in God's Word.
Selfishness: The author argues that irritability ultimately comes from the heart. Irritability indicates a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity in place of love. He brings up issues like lust, bitterness, greed & pride. We are challenged to let love enter our heart, calm us down and inspire us to quit focussing on ourselves.
Forgive. Be grateful. Be content. Be happy when someone else succeeds.
Allow yourself to rest in relationship with God, & you will rest more in your relationships at home.
* * * * *
I have to make the observation that again I found myself spending more time praying for our marriage, & our family, than in genuine communion with God. Again I make the choice to correct that imbalance. A man MUST pray for his family and his wife plenty! But we need most of all to build our personal relationship with God. Without that, I have nothing to give.
* * * * *
My challenge to me:
Again, focus more on God.
And choose to love and NEVER be selfish, stressed & irritable.
Sleep when I need to, as my beautiful wife often says - I stay awake too long sometimes, and she says "If you're tired, go to bed. " I need to take note.
Do I want to be irritable? NEVER.
Do I want to hurt the ones I love? NO.
Then it's time to rest in who I am and ENJOY the company of my wife and our children. Really enjoy. I thought I did. Now I make a fresh choice to bring peace, joy & love in our home.
So the suggestion would be to stop, examine my day each night:
The Love Dare is a great time to reassess my life according to the Law of Love.
How has my day been? How loving was I? Love is not a sentimental feeling: it is chosen way of life. In the words of 1 Corinthians 13 via The Love Dare:
Love is patient (Day 1)
Love is kind (Day 2)
Love is unselfish (Day 3)
Love is thoughtful (Day 4)
Love is not rude (Day 5)
Love is not irritable (Day 6)
Love believes the best (wait for tomorrow! Day 7)
Looking at my behaviour at the end of each day, if I want to see how loving I have been, I can line my thoughts, words & actions up with these 7 qualities of love. What a challenge to help me grow!!!
How about you?
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Friday, 27 January 2012
Day Five & a Half, part A
Day 5 & a half (26-27 Jan)
Before I go on to the next chapter of The Love Dare, I must stop and explore a moot point that I have discovered as a result of this journey.
It's about communication, & especially how we communicate in everyday family life.
I am beginning to see that although I have many great things to be thankful for in my upbringing, there are some behaviors that I have passed on to my own children which I would change if I had my time again.
They are impacting negatively on my life now; they are impacting negatively on my family overall; & I can see where they contributed to the destruction of my first marriage.
The question is communication.
The problem is in how I learned to communicate. Not necessarily anybody's fault. Not my parents. Not my teachers. Just how I developed. I need to explore this, so I can find the way out of it for myself, my family, and my marriage.
The issues of communication in a marriage and in a family depend on various factors. One is honesty and transparency. Another is respect. Another is manners. Another is how we feel and respond when discussing issues. Another is listening, both in willingness to listen, & how we listen.
Before I continue with the Love Dare, I need to take the time to clarify my thoughts about this. I know where they are heading, but I just need to sort through the information and the revelation I am having, so I can lay it all out in a way that makes sense and brings freedom.
Please bear with me in my digression. I hope and pray all my chats here are of help to someone else. I know they are helping me.
Before I go on to the next chapter of The Love Dare, I must stop and explore a moot point that I have discovered as a result of this journey.
It's about communication, & especially how we communicate in everyday family life.
I am beginning to see that although I have many great things to be thankful for in my upbringing, there are some behaviors that I have passed on to my own children which I would change if I had my time again.
They are impacting negatively on my life now; they are impacting negatively on my family overall; & I can see where they contributed to the destruction of my first marriage.
The question is communication.
The problem is in how I learned to communicate. Not necessarily anybody's fault. Not my parents. Not my teachers. Just how I developed. I need to explore this, so I can find the way out of it for myself, my family, and my marriage.
The issues of communication in a marriage and in a family depend on various factors. One is honesty and transparency. Another is respect. Another is manners. Another is how we feel and respond when discussing issues. Another is listening, both in willingness to listen, & how we listen.
Before I continue with the Love Dare, I need to take the time to clarify my thoughts about this. I know where they are heading, but I just need to sort through the information and the revelation I am having, so I can lay it all out in a way that makes sense and brings freedom.
Please bear with me in my digression. I hope and pray all my chats here are of help to someone else. I know they are helping me.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
Love Dare Day Five
Day 5 (25thJan)
Love is not rude.
Will I put away ignorance and selfishness, and make sure I act a&
Etiquette, manners, respectful behaviour in the home. I hope my family can say I am well-mannered, but I can see areas in which I have let my halo slip. These things are still as important as they were when we first met. You know the old saying:
"Familiarity breeds contempt".
I often remember this. And I try to live respectfully. But I have to confess that there are areas of my life that perhaps don't paint a picture of respect to Liz. That is sad. And this means I must now make the changes I need. I want Liz to truly know that I value her and our family very, very highly. Even by my table manners.
Not hypocrisy: behave as well towards your spouse & family as you would to a stranger. I hope I do this, but I think most of us are guilty in this area. A good challenge to actually stop and assess how we behave.
Bad language, being sarcastic, doing things that deliberately embarrass or deliberately irritate. I rarely swear, don't like sarcasm (excepting clever wit that isn't aimed to attack people). But I know I often embarrass the girls. I have sometimes laughed and said it is a father's duty to embarrass his kids. Now I see it in this light, I cringe and apologies. I must examine my life and my actions, and make sure I always behave in ways to protect and preserve their dignity.
Day 5 (1st Dec):
"Love is not rude.
"Genuine love minds its manners. It behaves well. It behaves respectfully.
"I value you enough to exercise self control around you.
I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with."
Dare: ask Liz to tell me 3 things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. This is ONLY from her perspective, no defense from me.
SO...
How does my spouse feel about the way I speak and act around her?
How does my behaviour affect her sense of worth and self-esteem?
SOOO. The challenge for today is to ask Liz to tell me 3 things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. From her perspective, not mine!!!
What Liz tells me will remain private, of course. This is about my own discoveries, not exposing her heart and her thoughts. But the challenge remains: I must be willing to look at how I live and behave, and to change wherever is needed.
Love is not rude.
Will I put away ignorance and selfishness, and make sure I act a&
Etiquette, manners, respectful behaviour in the home. I hope my family can say I am well-mannered, but I can see areas in which I have let my halo slip. These things are still as important as they were when we first met. You know the old saying:
"Familiarity breeds contempt".
I often remember this. And I try to live respectfully. But I have to confess that there are areas of my life that perhaps don't paint a picture of respect to Liz. That is sad. And this means I must now make the changes I need. I want Liz to truly know that I value her and our family very, very highly. Even by my table manners.
Not hypocrisy: behave as well towards your spouse & family as you would to a stranger. I hope I do this, but I think most of us are guilty in this area. A good challenge to actually stop and assess how we behave.
Bad language, being sarcastic, doing things that deliberately embarrass or deliberately irritate. I rarely swear, don't like sarcasm (excepting clever wit that isn't aimed to attack people). But I know I often embarrass the girls. I have sometimes laughed and said it is a father's duty to embarrass his kids. Now I see it in this light, I cringe and apologies. I must examine my life and my actions, and make sure I always behave in ways to protect and preserve their dignity.
Day 5 (1st Dec):
"Love is not rude.
"Genuine love minds its manners. It behaves well. It behaves respectfully.
"I value you enough to exercise self control around you.
I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with."
Dare: ask Liz to tell me 3 things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. This is ONLY from her perspective, no defense from me.
SO...
How does my spouse feel about the way I speak and act around her?
How does my behaviour affect her sense of worth and self-esteem?
SOOO. The challenge for today is to ask Liz to tell me 3 things that cause her to be uncomfortable or irritated with me. From her perspective, not mine!!!
What Liz tells me will remain private, of course. This is about my own discoveries, not exposing her heart and her thoughts. But the challenge remains: I must be willing to look at how I live and behave, and to change wherever is needed.
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Love Dare Day Four
Day 4 (24th Jan)
Love is thoughtful.
Just as an aside, I watched the movie Fireproof again last night. It is such an inspiration and a great challenge to strive for the best in my relationships, of course with Liz, but also in all the relationships I have - family, friends, work. The challenge is to live better in every area of my life, to take responsibility for changing ME. It's no good ever thinking how others need to change. All I should have time to work on is my OWN character!
A funny observation: remember in Day Two, I wrote that I drove out secretly in the middle of the night to buy her a gift? This time in Day 2, I had to go to the same late night shop (for a different reason) for something, & I bought the same lollies. Not planned, but the same gift on the same Dare from the same shop:)
So ... Love is thoughtful...
"Loving thoughts precede loving actions".
Amazing how small gestures can convey love - and the small things that we miss can make someone feel unloved. I think of a painting or a musical composition: every little detail goes to make up the final picture.
So too, in our relationships: we may have the best intentions and love in our hearts, but if we are inconsiderate or selfish, what is the overall message our partner interprets?
How can she feel loved and appreciated with such a message coming through? That makes it so important that I actually listen and remember, notice and respond, etc.
The Song of Solomon refers to "The little foxes that spoil the vines". It's the little things that often matter most. If so, then I want to become excellent at the little things that are not so little!
* * * * *
The second time through:
"Day 4 (30th Nov)
"Love is thoughtful
"Learn to listen.
"Understand how Liz talks - learn to read between her lines
"Call today to see how she is. Ask if there is anything you can do for her.
"I tried texting to ask how she was ....
At home I listened and tried to read between the lines. I will continue in this. "
* * * * *
First time, 14th April 2011:
"This is a normal thing (ie the challenge to call home from work, to see how she is and see if she needs me to do anything for her/get anything for her). I text daily to ask how Liz is. Sometimes I call as well. Today I called and texted, and went home early to take Bec to an appointment because Liz was sick. I ... do this (sort of action) naturally and frequently."
* * * * *
The thing is that while I can look back and list, or count, many things that I "Do" for Liz, there are still the "little foxes that spoil the vine", undoing any good work I might be doing. This chapter of The Love Dare points out how wives long for their husbands to notice the small things that we habitually miss. Men naturally miss very much: but we are not called to be natural people - we should be aiming to be spiritual. We should be making a difference, seeking to understand our wives and anticipate their needs.
Another aspect of this is found in The Resolution for Men p.13-14,63:
"(Men) have been given the position of leadership ... but over time, they have been lulled into a dream by their own passivity ... irresponsible, immature, carelessly negligent ... they have placed their families in moral and spiritual danger ... As a result, the mothers ... become the ones who (by default and necessity) are carrying the weight of the family on their shoulders in order to survive. These women are stressed out and longing for the man in their lives to wake up ... lovingly lead ...
"Is your wife weary, worn out, and always feeling like she is carrying too much on her shoulders?
"Does your marriage lack clear direction, romance, and true intimacy?
"Are your children, ... emotionally distant ... and spiritually apathetic?
"Take the steering wheel back into your hands as you guide, protect and provide for your family. Don't force your wife or children to shoulder what rightfully is on you ... Embrace responsibility!"
I know that some of my children are worried that I am blaming myself for everything, and looking too negatively at my past. Please hear my heart. I see so very clearly now how neglect of my responsibilities helped destroy my first marriage, and nearly destroyed my new one as well. I have always had the very best of intentions, a soft heart towards my children, and poured much loving time into them.
But I neglected my role as the Strong Man of my family, and as the Watcher and Guardian and Trainer. I got caught in my own little world of tiredness, self-pity, praise & worship, and the like, and I stopped watching and protecting. If I had been diligently aware of my responsibilites, I would have seen and stopped the abuse and neglect that they suffered: maybe I would have actually reversed the whole situation. It's no good for them to point to their mother and blame her: I allowed it by not watching and seeing and protecting. That was my own immaturity and head-in-sand tendency. The reality is: if you weigh it all up, then I too neglected them all.
So in my marriage to Liz. It's time to wake up and hear the call to arms, the call to fight for my wife and family in prayer, the challenge to be awake and watching. If only I would watch and observe, Liz would feel more loved and secure - instead of feeling that she has to shoulder the load because I miss so much. So it's time to become the real me, the strong me, a man of responsibility and destiny. Men who read this: will you join me? No longer let our wives feel unloved because of all the things we miss. Let us become watchers and doers!!!
Love is thoughtful.
Just as an aside, I watched the movie Fireproof again last night. It is such an inspiration and a great challenge to strive for the best in my relationships, of course with Liz, but also in all the relationships I have - family, friends, work. The challenge is to live better in every area of my life, to take responsibility for changing ME. It's no good ever thinking how others need to change. All I should have time to work on is my OWN character!
A funny observation: remember in Day Two, I wrote that I drove out secretly in the middle of the night to buy her a gift? This time in Day 2, I had to go to the same late night shop (for a different reason) for something, & I bought the same lollies. Not planned, but the same gift on the same Dare from the same shop:)
So ... Love is thoughtful...
"Loving thoughts precede loving actions".
Amazing how small gestures can convey love - and the small things that we miss can make someone feel unloved. I think of a painting or a musical composition: every little detail goes to make up the final picture.
So too, in our relationships: we may have the best intentions and love in our hearts, but if we are inconsiderate or selfish, what is the overall message our partner interprets?
How can she feel loved and appreciated with such a message coming through? That makes it so important that I actually listen and remember, notice and respond, etc.
The Song of Solomon refers to "The little foxes that spoil the vines". It's the little things that often matter most. If so, then I want to become excellent at the little things that are not so little!
* * * * *
The second time through:
"Day 4 (30th Nov)
"Love is thoughtful
"Learn to listen.
"Understand how Liz talks - learn to read between her lines
"Call today to see how she is. Ask if there is anything you can do for her.
"I tried texting to ask how she was ....
At home I listened and tried to read between the lines. I will continue in this. "
* * * * *
First time, 14th April 2011:
"This is a normal thing (ie the challenge to call home from work, to see how she is and see if she needs me to do anything for her/get anything for her). I text daily to ask how Liz is. Sometimes I call as well. Today I called and texted, and went home early to take Bec to an appointment because Liz was sick. I ... do this (sort of action) naturally and frequently."
* * * * *
The thing is that while I can look back and list, or count, many things that I "Do" for Liz, there are still the "little foxes that spoil the vine", undoing any good work I might be doing. This chapter of The Love Dare points out how wives long for their husbands to notice the small things that we habitually miss. Men naturally miss very much: but we are not called to be natural people - we should be aiming to be spiritual. We should be making a difference, seeking to understand our wives and anticipate their needs.
Another aspect of this is found in The Resolution for Men p.13-14,63:
"(Men) have been given the position of leadership ... but over time, they have been lulled into a dream by their own passivity ... irresponsible, immature, carelessly negligent ... they have placed their families in moral and spiritual danger ... As a result, the mothers ... become the ones who (by default and necessity) are carrying the weight of the family on their shoulders in order to survive. These women are stressed out and longing for the man in their lives to wake up ... lovingly lead ...
"Is your wife weary, worn out, and always feeling like she is carrying too much on her shoulders?
"Does your marriage lack clear direction, romance, and true intimacy?
"Are your children, ... emotionally distant ... and spiritually apathetic?
"Take the steering wheel back into your hands as you guide, protect and provide for your family. Don't force your wife or children to shoulder what rightfully is on you ... Embrace responsibility!"
I know that some of my children are worried that I am blaming myself for everything, and looking too negatively at my past. Please hear my heart. I see so very clearly now how neglect of my responsibilities helped destroy my first marriage, and nearly destroyed my new one as well. I have always had the very best of intentions, a soft heart towards my children, and poured much loving time into them.
But I neglected my role as the Strong Man of my family, and as the Watcher and Guardian and Trainer. I got caught in my own little world of tiredness, self-pity, praise & worship, and the like, and I stopped watching and protecting. If I had been diligently aware of my responsibilites, I would have seen and stopped the abuse and neglect that they suffered: maybe I would have actually reversed the whole situation. It's no good for them to point to their mother and blame her: I allowed it by not watching and seeing and protecting. That was my own immaturity and head-in-sand tendency. The reality is: if you weigh it all up, then I too neglected them all.
So in my marriage to Liz. It's time to wake up and hear the call to arms, the call to fight for my wife and family in prayer, the challenge to be awake and watching. If only I would watch and observe, Liz would feel more loved and secure - instead of feeling that she has to shoulder the load because I miss so much. So it's time to become the real me, the strong me, a man of responsibility and destiny. Men who read this: will you join me? No longer let our wives feel unloved because of all the things we miss. Let us become watchers and doers!!!
Monday, 23 January 2012
Love Dare Day 3
Day 3 (23rd Jan)
Love is not selfish.
This chapter discusses putting the other person first. It says that love puts aside what I want for the sake of my wife. Not that I never have my own desires also, but love sacrifices it's own desires because the other person holds that place of importance in your heart.
Love willingly lays aside its own hopes, plans, possessions, without resentment or disappointment, because the well-being and happiness of the other person becomes your greatest goal.
How unselfish am I? In my relationship with Liz? What about with our children? Do I genuinely care about their well being, and about their needs to connect with me, their need for love and my attention? I guess if this is a yardstick, I may not be as genuinely unselfish as I thought.
Liz has always worried that I give her too much attention. She has always tried telling me to give more attention to the girls. Not just the ones at home: also to Amy, Tamsyn & Kathryn. She has been worried that my attention to her has taken away my attention to them. And that she then gets blamed and seen as the evil stepmother who took away their dad. But that is entirely my error!
I seem to have trouble focussing on more than one task at a time. When we had our time of separation, Liz kept urging me to give more attention to the girls. To go out with the ones who don't live at home. She may seem to them to be the problem, but really I have had a huge problem trying to find a balance. Kathryn, if you read this, please take note: the things you feel about the situation are not the truth. Liz is NOT the reason you are estranged. That was caused by your attitudes and MY neglect. Not your Mother's OR your stepmother's. All 3 of us love you. It was your own behaviour that separated you, and MY selfish devotion to Liz that caused me to neglect you. For that I am truly sorry to you all.
My selfish devotion? This raises an interesting question. From sideline view my love, the things I do, the attention I give, & the sacrifices I make for Liz, are clearly born out of selfless love. But are they really? Ask yourself: if I truly was motivated by pure unselfish love, wouldn't I have time for everybody? But I have eyes almost only for Liz. That is what has often made her feel suffocated.
So right here I have to face myself and confess that I am actually selfish, not as I believed. I could always see the things I did and be assured of my good heart. Not so!!!
I am essentially selfish, just like the rest of humanity. How sad!!! But now I know, I can challenge it in myself and work to overcome it.
These are my observations last time:
Day 3 (29th Nov)
"Love is not selfish.
"Love puts the other first.
Not to look good, not for bragging rights, to to manipulate or control.
Just because of love.
"The first time around, I saw myself as extremely unselfish, and hard done by. I see now I was just good at fooling myself. I was selfish. And as I look back, I am horrified to see how ugly and hypocritical I was in my "unselfishness". "
The first time through was in April last year, early in our separation which lasted from March to December. I wrote about the gift I bought that day, and a huge argument we had because I didn't properly check with my budget, and a large bill arrived the same day. My intentions were honourable but my desire to be generous created greater stress for Liz, as she was already worried that I didn't really have a strong grasp on the budget, & spending unwisely would cause extra strain on the family. I could have said the same thing with much smaller gift.
I want so much to provide the stability and security that Liz needs me to give. I must always be unselfish, but never unwise. That just creates instability for the whole family.
Another book I am committed to working through is The Resolution for Men. It is challenging me to be a man of responsibility. It says I must put aside any irresponsibilities left over from boyhood, and FULLY EMBRACE my manhood, & the responsibilities that go with that. A man must be responsible, fully dependable, and must be the cornerstone of his family. Without me becoming the man I should be, my family cannot have the true security and stability it deserves. That is my duty before God. I have not been very good at that in the past. But by choice I becoming a man of character and destiny. So my family WILL be able to feel and to BE secure.
Love is not selfish.
This chapter discusses putting the other person first. It says that love puts aside what I want for the sake of my wife. Not that I never have my own desires also, but love sacrifices it's own desires because the other person holds that place of importance in your heart.
Love willingly lays aside its own hopes, plans, possessions, without resentment or disappointment, because the well-being and happiness of the other person becomes your greatest goal.
How unselfish am I? In my relationship with Liz? What about with our children? Do I genuinely care about their well being, and about their needs to connect with me, their need for love and my attention? I guess if this is a yardstick, I may not be as genuinely unselfish as I thought.
Liz has always worried that I give her too much attention. She has always tried telling me to give more attention to the girls. Not just the ones at home: also to Amy, Tamsyn & Kathryn. She has been worried that my attention to her has taken away my attention to them. And that she then gets blamed and seen as the evil stepmother who took away their dad. But that is entirely my error!
I seem to have trouble focussing on more than one task at a time. When we had our time of separation, Liz kept urging me to give more attention to the girls. To go out with the ones who don't live at home. She may seem to them to be the problem, but really I have had a huge problem trying to find a balance. Kathryn, if you read this, please take note: the things you feel about the situation are not the truth. Liz is NOT the reason you are estranged. That was caused by your attitudes and MY neglect. Not your Mother's OR your stepmother's. All 3 of us love you. It was your own behaviour that separated you, and MY selfish devotion to Liz that caused me to neglect you. For that I am truly sorry to you all.
My selfish devotion? This raises an interesting question. From sideline view my love, the things I do, the attention I give, & the sacrifices I make for Liz, are clearly born out of selfless love. But are they really? Ask yourself: if I truly was motivated by pure unselfish love, wouldn't I have time for everybody? But I have eyes almost only for Liz. That is what has often made her feel suffocated.
So right here I have to face myself and confess that I am actually selfish, not as I believed. I could always see the things I did and be assured of my good heart. Not so!!!
I am essentially selfish, just like the rest of humanity. How sad!!! But now I know, I can challenge it in myself and work to overcome it.
These are my observations last time:
Day 3 (29th Nov)
"Love is not selfish.
"Love puts the other first.
Not to look good, not for bragging rights, to to manipulate or control.
Just because of love.
"The first time around, I saw myself as extremely unselfish, and hard done by. I see now I was just good at fooling myself. I was selfish. And as I look back, I am horrified to see how ugly and hypocritical I was in my "unselfishness". "
The first time through was in April last year, early in our separation which lasted from March to December. I wrote about the gift I bought that day, and a huge argument we had because I didn't properly check with my budget, and a large bill arrived the same day. My intentions were honourable but my desire to be generous created greater stress for Liz, as she was already worried that I didn't really have a strong grasp on the budget, & spending unwisely would cause extra strain on the family. I could have said the same thing with much smaller gift.
I want so much to provide the stability and security that Liz needs me to give. I must always be unselfish, but never unwise. That just creates instability for the whole family.
Another book I am committed to working through is The Resolution for Men. It is challenging me to be a man of responsibility. It says I must put aside any irresponsibilities left over from boyhood, and FULLY EMBRACE my manhood, & the responsibilities that go with that. A man must be responsible, fully dependable, and must be the cornerstone of his family. Without me becoming the man I should be, my family cannot have the true security and stability it deserves. That is my duty before God. I have not been very good at that in the past. But by choice I becoming a man of character and destiny. So my family WILL be able to feel and to BE secure.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
Love Dare Day Two
Day 2 (22nd Jan)
Love is kind.
The chapter starts thus:
"Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive... Patience avoids a problem, kindness creates a blessing. One is preventive, the other proactive. These two sides of love are the cornerstones ..."
The authors talk over key points as follows:
Gentleness
Helpfulness
Willingness
Initiative
They point out that love is not based on feelings, and suggest that even when we don't feel like doing the things listed above, we should make them our habits of behaviour.
How gentle, how helpful, how willing, how thoughtful am I? How can I be better at these? The challenge to everyone in any relationship at all, whether marriage, friendships, siblings, work environment, is to demonstrate God's love first by our patience and our kindness. Are we not His hands and feet? We are all called to be "ministers of reconciliation" as Paul wrote, not agents of judgment and division.
The last paragraph of this chapter finishes thus:
"... You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness."
The Love Dare challenge for today:
"In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness".
Before I go any further, I want to bear testimony to Liz and her recent acts of kindness to me. In the past few weeks she has really touched my heart with many small acts that showed the softness of her own heart. Like when she knew I was tired and called when I was near home, to see if I would like her to pick me up from the bus stop. And tidying my clothing drawers when I left them untidy. And offering to make me a cup of tea one evening when I came home. These things have really touched me, as I said. She has been doing a lot of little things that have blessed me.
The first time through The Love Dare (12th April), I wrote:
"Ironed some shirts for Liz ... I often do this, though. I love doing little things to bless her. This is not a hard task, nor an unfamiliar one.
"1am, drove out ... & bought 3 bags of Liz' favourite lollies & a card & gift bag. Put them outside her door & sent a text to say there was a present there. "
(at the time we were separated).
I think it's easy for me to demonstrate kindness, as acts of service form part of my love language. The thing I must be careful of, is not using kindness as a way to control or to get my own way. The question I must frequently ask myself is this:
"Am I doing this for completely unselfish motives?"
I must always be seeking the BEST interests of the one I love - not just trying to make our relationship "right", or because I want to build peace. My only motive in being kind should be simply to bless Liz.
What about you, whoever reads this? How do you relate to those around you, whether spouse or siblings or work colleagues? Is your interaction with them based on securing your own peace, happiness, sense of belonging etc? Will you challenge yourself to re-evaluate why and how you interact?
I was disappointed early this week to hear a colleague in a position of authority, talking with a staff member, refer to another staff member as an idiot and call him stupid because of a mistake. I gently stepped in and suggested that the mistake didn't make him stupid, just that he didn't know - he is a fairly new employee. This colleague has often offended others with that sort of judgmental speech.
My prayer would be for the Law of Kindness to ALWAYS be on my lips. How? By first embracing it in my heart, then by choosing to discipline my mind to reject negative thoughts about others. I have not always spoken kindly to those I love, and I am disappointed to have to confess this. Jesus spoke of the welcome of the Father at the Final Judgment:
"Well done, good & faithful servant".
I want my life to be pleasing to Him, and hope when I die that people might say of me (& God agree!!):
"He couldn't say a bad word about anyone". I desperately want to live up to this.
Readings:
Ex 14: 1-14
Don't be afraid. Stand firm, & see the Lord's salvation He will provide for you today.
Philemon 8-16
Paul's plea for Onesimus. The message of Grace, of not seeing people through the eyes of the past but rather forgiving and living as people who have been touched by Grace. If I need God's grace, how can I dare not to share that same grace with others - deserving or not?
Love is kind.
The chapter starts thus:
"Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive... Patience avoids a problem, kindness creates a blessing. One is preventive, the other proactive. These two sides of love are the cornerstones ..."
The authors talk over key points as follows:
Gentleness
Helpfulness
Willingness
Initiative
They point out that love is not based on feelings, and suggest that even when we don't feel like doing the things listed above, we should make them our habits of behaviour.
How gentle, how helpful, how willing, how thoughtful am I? How can I be better at these? The challenge to everyone in any relationship at all, whether marriage, friendships, siblings, work environment, is to demonstrate God's love first by our patience and our kindness. Are we not His hands and feet? We are all called to be "ministers of reconciliation" as Paul wrote, not agents of judgment and division.
The last paragraph of this chapter finishes thus:
"... You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness."
The Love Dare challenge for today:
"In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness".
Before I go any further, I want to bear testimony to Liz and her recent acts of kindness to me. In the past few weeks she has really touched my heart with many small acts that showed the softness of her own heart. Like when she knew I was tired and called when I was near home, to see if I would like her to pick me up from the bus stop. And tidying my clothing drawers when I left them untidy. And offering to make me a cup of tea one evening when I came home. These things have really touched me, as I said. She has been doing a lot of little things that have blessed me.
The first time through The Love Dare (12th April), I wrote:
"Ironed some shirts for Liz ... I often do this, though. I love doing little things to bless her. This is not a hard task, nor an unfamiliar one.
"1am, drove out ... & bought 3 bags of Liz' favourite lollies & a card & gift bag. Put them outside her door & sent a text to say there was a present there. "
(at the time we were separated).
I think it's easy for me to demonstrate kindness, as acts of service form part of my love language. The thing I must be careful of, is not using kindness as a way to control or to get my own way. The question I must frequently ask myself is this:
"Am I doing this for completely unselfish motives?"
I must always be seeking the BEST interests of the one I love - not just trying to make our relationship "right", or because I want to build peace. My only motive in being kind should be simply to bless Liz.
What about you, whoever reads this? How do you relate to those around you, whether spouse or siblings or work colleagues? Is your interaction with them based on securing your own peace, happiness, sense of belonging etc? Will you challenge yourself to re-evaluate why and how you interact?
I was disappointed early this week to hear a colleague in a position of authority, talking with a staff member, refer to another staff member as an idiot and call him stupid because of a mistake. I gently stepped in and suggested that the mistake didn't make him stupid, just that he didn't know - he is a fairly new employee. This colleague has often offended others with that sort of judgmental speech.
My prayer would be for the Law of Kindness to ALWAYS be on my lips. How? By first embracing it in my heart, then by choosing to discipline my mind to reject negative thoughts about others. I have not always spoken kindly to those I love, and I am disappointed to have to confess this. Jesus spoke of the welcome of the Father at the Final Judgment:
"Well done, good & faithful servant".
I want my life to be pleasing to Him, and hope when I die that people might say of me (& God agree!!):
"He couldn't say a bad word about anyone". I desperately want to live up to this.
Readings:
Ex 14: 1-14
Don't be afraid. Stand firm, & see the Lord's salvation He will provide for you today.
Philemon 8-16
Paul's plea for Onesimus. The message of Grace, of not seeing people through the eyes of the past but rather forgiving and living as people who have been touched by Grace. If I need God's grace, how can I dare not to share that same grace with others - deserving or not?
Friday, 20 January 2012
The Love Dare. Day One
Day 1 (20th Jan) Love is patient.
Well, I blew that one tonight. I hurt myself when I fell while getting off the bus, and was grumpy in my answers to Liz about it when I came home.
* * * * * * *
This is what I wrote last time on Day One:
"Day 1 (27th Nov)
"Patience. Don't say anything negative.
"I do need to talk with Liz tonight. About not being afraid to speak about what she is feeling. About what she said to me last night in our text messages.
Quote: Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief.
Quote: Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. ... Everybody fails.
"So the first time through the Love Dare, I thought I was patient. I saw myself suffering patiently, waiting for Liz to be "healed" etc. What I didn't see was that I was full of self pity, self-righteousness and judgmental anger. In my mind I attributed those same things to Liz. What a hypocrite I was! Am I still? How do I respond when Liz isn't feeling what I think she should feel? What do I read into her words and actions, that I could completely have misread?
"I still need to work at patience. I see that so much clearer this time around."
* * * * * * *
The first time around (11th April 2011) I wrote:
"The last few days have seen us both being more patient. I have resolved, several days ago, to stop 'sowing to the flesh' with my reactions, words, thoughts & even prayers. I chose to stop 'worrying God' & instead to pray for Liz in a positive manner.
"Something I realized as I read today's passage was that I have not really lived as the patient man I thought I was. I could see how my 'patience' was really masked anger & self-righteousness. I was silently holding my disagreement & feeling 'hard-done-by'. I was telling myself that I was reaching out to Liz in love. In reality I was thinking more highly of myself than I deserved.
"I was not patient - I was impatient, waiting to tell Liz why she was wrong. I was 'sowing to the flesh' instead of to the Spirit. I was bringing death instead of life. I need to line up with God's Word. Today I haven't had disapproving thoughts towards Liz. If they come, I will reject them & counteract them with good positive words and prayers."
* * * * * * *
Since we made a huge turnaround in our relationship last November, our communication has been ever so much better. There has almost never been anger or impatience between us since. Liz even commented to me about how much more patient I had become. And she has also become more patient with me. We have enjoyed each other's company more fully again. I think a large part of that is because neither of us feels judged by the other, and we each feel more accepted. I have been really loving our freer interaction and genuine affection. Liz is great company, and I'm glad we can enjoy ourselves together again.
Which leads me back to tonight. I am deeply ashamed of myself for speaking impatiently to both Liz & Bec. This is not what we have become. Our home has become a more gentle and gracious environment than before.
So this morning I read the chapter for today, with its Dare to be patient no matter what. I read my notes on the bus during the trip home. I prayed for us. Then I hurt myself. And lost the grace I had attained. And consequently hurt the lady who loves me. She had committed no offence :(
Here publicly before anyone who may read this post, I apologise to Liz, Bec & Lizzie for my bad manners and grumpy attitude. I especially apologise if I made any of you feel afraid by speaking angrily. Please forgive me.
I think tomorrow I won't go onto Day 2 yet. I will take the day to reflect again on gentle patience.
Goodnight xoxoxo
Well, I blew that one tonight. I hurt myself when I fell while getting off the bus, and was grumpy in my answers to Liz about it when I came home.
* * * * * * *
This is what I wrote last time on Day One:
"Day 1 (27th Nov)
"Patience. Don't say anything negative.
"I do need to talk with Liz tonight. About not being afraid to speak about what she is feeling. About what she said to me last night in our text messages.
Quote: Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief.
Quote: Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. ... Everybody fails.
"So the first time through the Love Dare, I thought I was patient. I saw myself suffering patiently, waiting for Liz to be "healed" etc. What I didn't see was that I was full of self pity, self-righteousness and judgmental anger. In my mind I attributed those same things to Liz. What a hypocrite I was! Am I still? How do I respond when Liz isn't feeling what I think she should feel? What do I read into her words and actions, that I could completely have misread?
"I still need to work at patience. I see that so much clearer this time around."
* * * * * * *
The first time around (11th April 2011) I wrote:
"The last few days have seen us both being more patient. I have resolved, several days ago, to stop 'sowing to the flesh' with my reactions, words, thoughts & even prayers. I chose to stop 'worrying God' & instead to pray for Liz in a positive manner.
"Something I realized as I read today's passage was that I have not really lived as the patient man I thought I was. I could see how my 'patience' was really masked anger & self-righteousness. I was silently holding my disagreement & feeling 'hard-done-by'. I was telling myself that I was reaching out to Liz in love. In reality I was thinking more highly of myself than I deserved.
"I was not patient - I was impatient, waiting to tell Liz why she was wrong. I was 'sowing to the flesh' instead of to the Spirit. I was bringing death instead of life. I need to line up with God's Word. Today I haven't had disapproving thoughts towards Liz. If they come, I will reject them & counteract them with good positive words and prayers."
* * * * * * *
Since we made a huge turnaround in our relationship last November, our communication has been ever so much better. There has almost never been anger or impatience between us since. Liz even commented to me about how much more patient I had become. And she has also become more patient with me. We have enjoyed each other's company more fully again. I think a large part of that is because neither of us feels judged by the other, and we each feel more accepted. I have been really loving our freer interaction and genuine affection. Liz is great company, and I'm glad we can enjoy ourselves together again.
Which leads me back to tonight. I am deeply ashamed of myself for speaking impatiently to both Liz & Bec. This is not what we have become. Our home has become a more gentle and gracious environment than before.
So this morning I read the chapter for today, with its Dare to be patient no matter what. I read my notes on the bus during the trip home. I prayed for us. Then I hurt myself. And lost the grace I had attained. And consequently hurt the lady who loves me. She had committed no offence :(
Here publicly before anyone who may read this post, I apologise to Liz, Bec & Lizzie for my bad manners and grumpy attitude. I especially apologise if I made any of you feel afraid by speaking angrily. Please forgive me.
I think tomorrow I won't go onto Day 2 yet. I will take the day to reflect again on gentle patience.
Goodnight xoxoxo
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Hmmm ... a healthy challenge!
Quote from "The Resolution for Men" (after explaining how men have a serious calling from God to love their wives AS CHRIST - laying down our lives daily, not merely to die once but to die to our own selfishness, our own "needs", and to unselfishly give our wives our whole lives and time and hearts:
"If your marriage fails - or is failing - it likely comes down to one key reason: you have not loved your wife like Christ loves the church. Most marriage problems are usually the result of a wife's wounded reaction to poor leadership and lack of love from her husband. A man wants to love a woman who deeply respects and appreciates him, but the kind of man that a woman appreciates and respects is one who sacrificially loves her, who patiently honours her, who lays down his life for her. On a daily basis."
I know I have said that I will be starting The Love Dare from Day 1 soon, but I feel the need here to report on my current thoughts and responses to Day 39, which I have been soaking up for 3 days now. The title of Day 39 is "Love Endures". It is about being constant, unchanged by disappointments or the events of daily life. Just keep loving.
Liz needs to know that I am her rock, just as Christ is mine. That is not trying to replace God in her life, but it is the call of Ephesians 5:25, 28-29. I must be the sort of man, the sort of husband who proves that she can depend on me to be there for her. And that I must not be dependent on her (that is not being Christ to her).
For her security, she needs to see and know that I can be her rock, because Christ is mine. Then she can depend on me to be there for her, because I am not dependent on her. She needs to know that I don't need her to be my rock, when my life demonstrates that my own security is in God. That way I will provide the security that she needs. To be able to count on me, without the pressure of feeling that I expect her to be some sort of security for her.
Day 39's challenge is to write a letter of commitment and assurance to Liz, and to leave it where she can find it. This is a very private and personal thing, but in the spirit of transparency I have chosen to write my letter below:
Dearest Liz,
I want and need to write this note and reassure you of my commitment to you.
I think (& hope) you know in your heart that I genuinely love and support you. However, I want your knowing to not be only because I say I love you, but through my actions as well. I want your heart to know, and for you to actually feel safe and secure because you truly know that I am always committed to you.
I want to apologise for having needed you too much. For being insecure in myself, and looking to you for my reassurance more than God, subconsciously expecting you to give what was not your job to give.
There are needs only a wife can fill - companionship, working together, intimacy, deepest friendship, etc. But a man has to first find his own security in God, and in himself.
A man's role is to be Christ to his wife and kids. To be the solid rock for them, just as Christ is the solid Rock for me. Ephesians makes that clear. I must be for you what Christ is for me. And then you can be secure and free to have your own freedom in God and your own fulfilling life.
I'm sorry I wasn't that man at first. I was extremely insecure and needy. I needed to be needed. But I know I am reclaiming the ground in that direction. I don't think I'm as needy as I was, or as suffocating as I was.
Please know that I am here for you and for all 9 of our kids, whoever will want me to be there for them. I am fully committed to my family and to my responsibilities.
I love you with all of my heart and will never abandon you or turn my back on you. I'm sure there will be many times I disagree with your opinion on something, but I will not put you down or judge you for that opinion. I am much more secure in myself now, and do not need you to have the same opinions as me OR need you to provide my security, self-worth and identity. I hope you have noticed that now I say more often what I think, but we don't actually argue as before. Also when we differ, we no longer have the angry clashes that we too often had.
I respect, honour and love you.
I am here for you, and will continue to be so.
Your loving husband,
Michael
"If your marriage fails - or is failing - it likely comes down to one key reason: you have not loved your wife like Christ loves the church. Most marriage problems are usually the result of a wife's wounded reaction to poor leadership and lack of love from her husband. A man wants to love a woman who deeply respects and appreciates him, but the kind of man that a woman appreciates and respects is one who sacrificially loves her, who patiently honours her, who lays down his life for her. On a daily basis."
I know I have said that I will be starting The Love Dare from Day 1 soon, but I feel the need here to report on my current thoughts and responses to Day 39, which I have been soaking up for 3 days now. The title of Day 39 is "Love Endures". It is about being constant, unchanged by disappointments or the events of daily life. Just keep loving.
Liz needs to know that I am her rock, just as Christ is mine. That is not trying to replace God in her life, but it is the call of Ephesians 5:25, 28-29. I must be the sort of man, the sort of husband who proves that she can depend on me to be there for her. And that I must not be dependent on her (that is not being Christ to her).
For her security, she needs to see and know that I can be her rock, because Christ is mine. Then she can depend on me to be there for her, because I am not dependent on her. She needs to know that I don't need her to be my rock, when my life demonstrates that my own security is in God. That way I will provide the security that she needs. To be able to count on me, without the pressure of feeling that I expect her to be some sort of security for her.
Day 39's challenge is to write a letter of commitment and assurance to Liz, and to leave it where she can find it. This is a very private and personal thing, but in the spirit of transparency I have chosen to write my letter below:
Dearest Liz,
I want and need to write this note and reassure you of my commitment to you.
I think (& hope) you know in your heart that I genuinely love and support you. However, I want your knowing to not be only because I say I love you, but through my actions as well. I want your heart to know, and for you to actually feel safe and secure because you truly know that I am always committed to you.
I want to apologise for having needed you too much. For being insecure in myself, and looking to you for my reassurance more than God, subconsciously expecting you to give what was not your job to give.
There are needs only a wife can fill - companionship, working together, intimacy, deepest friendship, etc. But a man has to first find his own security in God, and in himself.
A man's role is to be Christ to his wife and kids. To be the solid rock for them, just as Christ is the solid Rock for me. Ephesians makes that clear. I must be for you what Christ is for me. And then you can be secure and free to have your own freedom in God and your own fulfilling life.
I'm sorry I wasn't that man at first. I was extremely insecure and needy. I needed to be needed. But I know I am reclaiming the ground in that direction. I don't think I'm as needy as I was, or as suffocating as I was.
Please know that I am here for you and for all 9 of our kids, whoever will want me to be there for them. I am fully committed to my family and to my responsibilities.
I love you with all of my heart and will never abandon you or turn my back on you. I'm sure there will be many times I disagree with your opinion on something, but I will not put you down or judge you for that opinion. I am much more secure in myself now, and do not need you to have the same opinions as me OR need you to provide my security, self-worth and identity. I hope you have noticed that now I say more often what I think, but we don't actually argue as before. Also when we differ, we no longer have the angry clashes that we too often had.
I respect, honour and love you.
I am here for you, and will continue to be so.
Your loving husband,
Michael
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Thoughts
Just in case anyone reads my previous blogs and decides I am being negative or pulling myself down, I must say it's not like that at all.
I have largely lived my life just as it comes, but my response was to avoid hard issues. Consequently my life, my relationships, my family all became a mess.
I once preached a message entitled "The Buck Stops Here". I thought I was preaching what I practiced. I have come to see that what I saw in the mirror was not the same as what others could see if they looked within.
I have made choices to stop being a victim, to stop living with my head in the sand, and to be a strong and accountable leader for my family.
To this end I have been assessing my life. I have read various books to prompt me. I am working through a process of change for the better.
One big turning point in my own life, & consequently in my marriage with Liz, has been doing "The Love Dare". The first time around, I took about 6 months to complete a 40 day adventure. Typical of me. I have not been good at finishing what I started.
The second time has been a lot more consistent, and as I work through the daily readings and challenges, it is changing me. God is changing me. I am changing me. I am amazed at how much I personally needed to change. And I see the benefit to all the family of me doing it again. Liz needs a better husband. Our children need a better dad/stepdad.
So ...
In about a week I will be back to Day One. This time I will be blogging my thoughts and discoveries. For various reasons:
The discipline of being watched.
The greater transparency it will require of me.
The awareness that I may be able to help others as I go. The blessing of rebuilding trust for Liz and the family after all I did to destroy it, had been a great encouragement to me as well. I want that to keep growing.
So please join me on my journey. Put up with my stumbling. Take courage from my getting up again each time. . Let my commitment perhaps help you in your own journey as you read my thoughts and daily observations.
It will be unashamedly Christian. For without God I can't succeed. I need Him.
I will start in a few days, maybe a week. I look forward to sharing with you.
I have largely lived my life just as it comes, but my response was to avoid hard issues. Consequently my life, my relationships, my family all became a mess.
I once preached a message entitled "The Buck Stops Here". I thought I was preaching what I practiced. I have come to see that what I saw in the mirror was not the same as what others could see if they looked within.
I have made choices to stop being a victim, to stop living with my head in the sand, and to be a strong and accountable leader for my family.
To this end I have been assessing my life. I have read various books to prompt me. I am working through a process of change for the better.
One big turning point in my own life, & consequently in my marriage with Liz, has been doing "The Love Dare". The first time around, I took about 6 months to complete a 40 day adventure. Typical of me. I have not been good at finishing what I started.
The second time has been a lot more consistent, and as I work through the daily readings and challenges, it is changing me. God is changing me. I am changing me. I am amazed at how much I personally needed to change. And I see the benefit to all the family of me doing it again. Liz needs a better husband. Our children need a better dad/stepdad.
So ...
In about a week I will be back to Day One. This time I will be blogging my thoughts and discoveries. For various reasons:
The discipline of being watched.
The greater transparency it will require of me.
The awareness that I may be able to help others as I go. The blessing of rebuilding trust for Liz and the family after all I did to destroy it, had been a great encouragement to me as well. I want that to keep growing.
So please join me on my journey. Put up with my stumbling. Take courage from my getting up again each time. . Let my commitment perhaps help you in your own journey as you read my thoughts and daily observations.
It will be unashamedly Christian. For without God I can't succeed. I need Him.
I will start in a few days, maybe a week. I look forward to sharing with you.
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