The Love Dare. Day One

Day 1 (20th Jan)    Love is patient.

Well, I blew that one tonight. I hurt myself when I fell while getting off the bus, and was grumpy in my answers to Liz about it when I came home.

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This is what I wrote last time on Day One:

"Day 1 (27th Nov)

"Patience.  Don't say anything negative.

"I do need to talk with Liz tonight. About not being afraid to speak about what she is feeling. About what she said to me last night in our text messages.

Quote: Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief.

Quote: Patience gives your spouse permission to be human. ... Everybody fails.

"So the first time through the Love Dare, I thought I was patient. I saw myself suffering patiently, waiting for Liz to be "healed" etc.  What I didn't see was that I was full of self pity, self-righteousness and judgmental anger. In my mind I attributed those same things to Liz. What a hypocrite I was!  Am I still? How do I respond when Liz isn't feeling what I think she should feel?  What do I read into her words and actions, that I could completely have misread?

"I still need to work at patience. I see that so much clearer this time around."

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The first time around (11th April 2011) I wrote:

"The last few days have seen us both being more patient. I have resolved, several days ago, to stop 'sowing to the flesh' with my reactions, words, thoughts & even prayers. I chose to stop 'worrying God' & instead to pray for Liz in a positive manner.

"Something I realized as I read today's passage was that I have not really lived as the patient man I thought I was. I could see how my 'patience' was really masked anger & self-righteousness. I was silently holding my disagreement & feeling 'hard-done-by'. I was telling myself that I was reaching out to Liz in love. In reality I was thinking more highly of myself than I deserved.

"I was not patient - I was impatient, waiting to tell Liz why she was wrong. I was 'sowing to the flesh' instead of to the Spirit. I was bringing death instead of life. I need to line up with God's Word. Today I haven't had disapproving thoughts towards Liz. If they come, I will reject them & counteract them with good positive words and prayers."

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Since we made a huge turnaround in our relationship last November, our communication has been ever so much better. There has almost never been anger or impatience between us since.  Liz even commented to me about how much more patient I had become. And she has also become more patient with me.  We have enjoyed each other's company more fully again.  I think a large part of that is because neither of us feels judged by the other, and we each feel more accepted.  I have been really loving our freer interaction and genuine affection.  Liz is great company, and I'm glad we can enjoy ourselves together again.

Which leads me back to tonight. I am deeply ashamed of myself for speaking impatiently to both Liz & Bec. This is not what we have become. Our home has become a more gentle and gracious environment than before.

So this morning I read the chapter for today, with its Dare to be patient no matter what. I read my notes on the bus during the trip home. I prayed for us. Then I hurt myself. And lost the grace I had attained.  And consequently hurt the lady who loves me.  She had committed no offence :(

Here publicly before anyone who may read this post, I apologise to Liz, Bec & Lizzie for my bad manners and grumpy attitude. I especially apologise if I made any of you feel afraid by speaking angrily. Please forgive me.

I think tomorrow I won't go onto Day 2 yet. I will take the day to reflect again on gentle patience.

Goodnight xoxoxo