Love Dare Day 3

Day 3 (23rd Jan)

Love is not selfish.

This chapter discusses putting the other person first. It says that love puts aside what I want for the sake of my wife. Not that I never have my own desires also, but love sacrifices it's own desires because the other person holds that place of importance in your heart.

Love willingly lays aside its own hopes, plans, possessions, without resentment or disappointment, because the well-being and happiness of the other person becomes your greatest goal.

How unselfish am I? In my relationship with Liz? What about with our children? Do I genuinely care about their well being, and about their needs to connect with me, their need for love and my attention? I guess if this is a yardstick, I may not be as genuinely unselfish as I thought.

Liz has always worried that I give her too much attention. She has always tried telling me to give more attention to the girls. Not just the ones at home: also to Amy, Tamsyn & Kathryn. She has been worried that my attention to her has taken away my attention to them. And that she then gets blamed and seen as the evil stepmother who took away their dad. But that is entirely my error!

I seem to have trouble focussing on more than one task at a time. When we had our time of separation, Liz kept urging me to give more attention to the girls. To go out with the ones who don't live at home. She may seem to them to be the problem, but really I have had a huge problem trying to find a balance. Kathryn, if you read this, please take note: the things you feel about the situation are not the truth. Liz is NOT the reason you are estranged. That was caused by your attitudes and MY neglect. Not your Mother's OR your stepmother's. All 3 of us love you. It was your own behaviour that separated you, and MY selfish devotion to Liz that caused me to neglect you. For that I am truly sorry to you all.

My selfish devotion? This raises an interesting question. From sideline view my love, the things I do, the attention I give, & the sacrifices I make for Liz, are clearly born out of selfless love. But are they really? Ask yourself: if I truly was motivated by pure unselfish love, wouldn't I have time for everybody? But I have eyes almost only for Liz. That is what has often made her feel suffocated.

So right here I have to face myself and confess that I am actually selfish, not as I believed. I could always see the things I did and be assured of my good heart. Not so!!!

I am essentially selfish, just like the rest of humanity. How sad!!! But now I know, I can challenge it in myself and work to overcome it.


These are my observations last time:

Day 3 (29th Nov)

"Love is not selfish.

"Love puts the other first.
Not to look good, not for bragging rights, to to manipulate or control.
Just because of love.

"The first time around, I saw myself as extremely unselfish, and hard done by. I see now I was just good at fooling myself. I was selfish. And as I look back, I am horrified to see how ugly and hypocritical I was in my "unselfishness". "

The first time through was in April last year, early in our separation which lasted from March to December. I wrote about the gift I bought that day, and a huge argument we had because I didn't properly check with my budget, and a large bill arrived the same day. My intentions were honourable but my desire to be generous created greater stress for Liz, as she was already worried that I didn't really have a strong grasp on the budget, & spending unwisely would cause extra strain on the family. I could have said the same thing with much smaller gift.

I want so much to provide the stability and security that Liz needs me to give. I must always be unselfish, but never unwise. That just creates instability for the whole family.

Another book I am committed to working through is The Resolution for Men. It is challenging me to be a man of responsibility. It says I must put aside any irresponsibilities left over from boyhood, and FULLY EMBRACE my manhood, & the responsibilities that go with that. A man must be responsible, fully dependable, and must be the cornerstone of his family. Without me becoming the man I should be, my family cannot have the true security and stability it deserves. That is my duty before God. I have not been very good at that in the past. But by choice I becoming a man of character and destiny. So my family WILL be able to feel and to BE secure.