Love Dare Day Four

Day 4 (24th Jan)

Love is thoughtful.

Just as an aside, I watched the movie Fireproof again last night. It is such an inspiration and a great challenge to strive for the best in my relationships, of course with Liz, but also in all the relationships I have - family, friends, work. The challenge is to live better in every area of my life, to take responsibility for changing ME. It's no good ever thinking how others need to change. All I should have time to work on is my OWN character!

A funny observation: remember in Day Two, I wrote that I drove out secretly in the middle of the night to buy her a gift? This time in Day 2, I had to go to the same late night shop (for a different reason) for something, & I bought the same lollies. Not planned, but the same gift on the same Dare from the same shop:)

So ... Love is thoughtful...

"Loving thoughts precede loving actions".

Amazing how small gestures can convey love - and the small things that we miss can make someone feel unloved. I think of a painting or a musical composition: every little detail goes to make up the final picture.

So too, in our relationships: we may have the best intentions and love in our hearts, but if we are inconsiderate or selfish, what is the overall message our partner interprets?

How can she feel loved and appreciated with such a message coming through? That makes it so important that I actually listen and remember, notice and respond, etc.

The Song of Solomon refers to "The little foxes that spoil the vines". It's the little things that often matter most. If so, then I want to become excellent at the little things that are not so little!

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The second time through:

"Day 4 (30th Nov)

"Love is thoughtful

"Learn to listen.
"Understand how Liz talks - learn to read between her lines

"Call today to see how she is. Ask if there is anything you can do for her.

"I tried texting to ask how she was ....
At home I listened and tried to read between the lines. I will continue in this. "

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First time, 14th April 2011:

"This is a normal thing (ie the challenge to call home from work, to see how she is and see if she needs me to do anything for her/get anything for her).  I text daily to ask how Liz is.  Sometimes I call as well.  Today I called and texted, and went home early to take Bec to an appointment because Liz was sick.  I ... do this (sort of action) naturally and frequently."

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The thing is that while I can look back and list, or count, many things that I "Do" for Liz, there are still the "little foxes that spoil the vine", undoing any good work I might be doing.  This chapter of The Love Dare points out how wives long for their husbands to notice the small things that we habitually miss.  Men naturally miss very much: but we are not called to be natural people - we should be aiming to be spiritual.  We should be making a difference, seeking to understand our wives and anticipate their needs.

Another aspect of this is found in The Resolution for Men p.13-14,63:
"(Men) have been given the position of leadership ... but over time, they have been lulled into a dream by their own passivity ... irresponsible, immature, carelessly negligent ... they have placed their families in moral and spiritual danger ...  As a result, the mothers ... become the ones who (by default and necessity) are carrying the weight of the family on their shoulders in order to survive.  These women are stressed out and longing for the man in their lives to wake up ... lovingly lead ...

"Is your wife weary, worn out, and always feeling like she is carrying too much on her shoulders?
"Does your marriage lack clear direction, romance, and true intimacy?
"Are your children, ... emotionally distant ... and spiritually apathetic?
"Take the steering wheel back into your hands as you guide, protect and provide for your family.  Don't force your wife or children to shoulder what rightfully is on you ... Embrace responsibility!"

I know that some of my children are worried that I am blaming myself for everything, and looking too negatively at my past.  Please hear my heart.  I see so very clearly now how neglect of my responsibilities helped destroy my first marriage, and nearly destroyed my new one as well.  I have always had the very best of intentions, a soft heart towards my children, and poured much loving time into them. 

But I neglected my role as the Strong Man of my family, and as the Watcher and Guardian and Trainer.  I got caught in my own little world of tiredness, self-pity, praise & worship, and the like, and I stopped watching and protecting.  If I had been diligently aware of my responsibilites, I would have seen and stopped the abuse and neglect that they suffered: maybe I would have actually reversed the whole situation.  It's no good for them to point to their mother and blame her: I allowed it by not watching and seeing and protecting.  That was my own immaturity and head-in-sand tendency.  The reality is: if you weigh it all up, then I too neglected them all.

So in my marriage to Liz.  It's time to wake up and hear the call to arms, the call to fight for my wife and family in prayer, the challenge to be awake and watching.  If only I would watch and observe, Liz would feel more loved and secure - instead of feeling that she has to shoulder the load because I miss so much.  So it's time to become the real me, the strong me, a man of responsibility and destiny.  Men who read this: will you join me?  No longer let our wives feel unloved because of all the things we miss.  Let us become watchers and doers!!!