Today's study looks at the importance of praying together. So for the last month (since my last post here) I have been working at redeveloping the good habit of praying with Liz before I go to bed each night.
We can think of old slogans like "The family that prays together stays together". It is vital for any marriage that we pray for each other, and we pray together. Liz has sometimes said she needs me to be the spiritual leader. That's true. It's the right order. So my commitment, as well as praying for her often in my own prayer times through the day, is to pray with her each night.
Sometimes I forget, and instead of going back downstairs I just pray as I get into bed. But often I remember my commitment and go down to her and pray.
I am working at this, a most basic part as it should be, of our relationship. I am ashamed that I ever let the spiritual side of our marriage slip as it did. But I am not letting it stay that way. I will lead well, and I will set the right patterns and examples.
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Wednesday, 12 September 2012
Love Dare Day 36 Love is God's Word
Hmmm... I was reading the Bible faithfully every day. I had even picked up some of my theology books and wondered about starting to work through them. What happened?
The pain of life's ups and downs seems to have distracted me - along with my addictive nature. Coping with the struggles and tensions that have gone on with some of my daughters, and the pressures of work, have swamped me a little.
So what do I do? Normally my better response has been to write songs of worship, and sit and play the piano or guitar. And to pray. And I was praying quite a lot. And I was writing songs.
Then somehow I got distracted by games on my iPhone, such as Boggle, and soon afterwards I found the fun of Instagram. In between I read a few novels on the bus, using my Kindle. Prior to that I had been using the Kindle for my Bible reading. On the bus.
How easily do the thorns and weeds come up to choke the life out of what the Sower has sown!!! The parable is so true.
Time for me to restore my commitment to the Word. I still pray. Quite a lot. It's time to read the Word, sing, write songs again. Any time I stop doing what I was created to do, stress consumes me. I must be who I was made to be.
Read the Word. Daily. Worship. Daily. That's the best way I can love Liz too, by being who I should be, and bring blessing into our home by being in proper communion with God.
Day 36 (22-11-2011)
God's Word
Read daily. Live in it. Live under its authority. Let it guide my life.
Started reading with family last night after dinner. Just a text that had hit my heart.
Will be good if Liz is comfortable for a short read of the Word just together with her daily??
Day 36, 13th Jan
Love is God's Word
We need the guidance and empowerment of the Word.
Commit to reading it and feeding on it. Preferably together.
The pain of life's ups and downs seems to have distracted me - along with my addictive nature. Coping with the struggles and tensions that have gone on with some of my daughters, and the pressures of work, have swamped me a little.
So what do I do? Normally my better response has been to write songs of worship, and sit and play the piano or guitar. And to pray. And I was praying quite a lot. And I was writing songs.
Then somehow I got distracted by games on my iPhone, such as Boggle, and soon afterwards I found the fun of Instagram. In between I read a few novels on the bus, using my Kindle. Prior to that I had been using the Kindle for my Bible reading. On the bus.
How easily do the thorns and weeds come up to choke the life out of what the Sower has sown!!! The parable is so true.
Time for me to restore my commitment to the Word. I still pray. Quite a lot. It's time to read the Word, sing, write songs again. Any time I stop doing what I was created to do, stress consumes me. I must be who I was made to be.
Read the Word. Daily. Worship. Daily. That's the best way I can love Liz too, by being who I should be, and bring blessing into our home by being in proper communion with God.
Day 36 (22-11-2011)
God's Word
Read daily. Live in it. Live under its authority. Let it guide my life.
Started reading with family last night after dinner. Just a text that had hit my heart.
Will be good if Liz is comfortable for a short read of the Word just together with her daily??
Day 36, 13th Jan
Love is God's Word
We need the guidance and empowerment of the Word.
Commit to reading it and feeding on it. Preferably together.
Monday, 10 September 2012
Day 35 LOVE IS ACCOUNTABLE
I really struggled again with this one. Love is accountable. In marriage we have to learn how to be accountable to each other, without losing our own identities. I don't think I have been very good at that. Most of my life I have given up who I am, and what I think, for the sake of keeping peace, or for acceptance, or out of fear of rejection. In codependent relationships I was a classic "enabler", needing to serve, to be "selfless", to make the sacrifices for the sake of the other person. I think I have been like that in home life, with my children, and even at work, where I would take up the slack for my staff or colleagues rather than gently requiring them to be accountable.
I guess that appearing to be accountable is a great way to avoid real accountability. And that is why, although I am good at doing things in love for Liz and our family and my colleagues, really I often(no: frequently)fail to accountably achieve the things I should be doing, the important things that are my responsibility.
This is my challenge, now that I have identified it like this. To stop trying to be accountable for everybody else, and become accountable - genuinely accountable - for the things of real importance in life, that I am responsible for.
I have struggled through this challenge and taken much longer with it than any other Day in the Love Dare. I couldn't go past it glibly, lying to myself that I had "done it". I actually couldn't see how to apply it in the best way to my own life. Now I do.
I guess that appearing to be accountable is a great way to avoid real accountability. And that is why, although I am good at doing things in love for Liz and our family and my colleagues, really I often(no: frequently)fail to accountably achieve the things I should be doing, the important things that are my responsibility.
This is my challenge, now that I have identified it like this. To stop trying to be accountable for everybody else, and become accountable - genuinely accountable - for the things of real importance in life, that I am responsible for.
I have struggled through this challenge and taken much longer with it than any other Day in the Love Dare. I couldn't go past it glibly, lying to myself that I had "done it". I actually couldn't see how to apply it in the best way to my own life. Now I do.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Day 34 LOVE CELEBRATES GODLINESS
Text: 1 Cor 13:6
Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.
Last time through I wrote:
"Day 34 (10th Jan )
"Love celebrates godliness.
"What examples do I set?
Do I model & live a life that is pleasing to God? How do I lead my family?
"Does my home life honour or dishonor God?
"Am I spiritually responsible?"
****************
The challenge to me today, actually it has been for many days that I have been working through this one, is to be godly myself, and to encourage godliness in my relationship and in our home.
Rejoicing in the truth. The truth is that Jesus Christ is Lord. So that means honoring Him and seeking to encourage respect and honour for Him in our family. I am challenged in my own lifestyle, my prayer life, and in the example I set.
Once I set that example, I think fairly well. I still had plenty of faults, but I led my family more strongly and clearly as a Christian man. I prayed with them, taught my children to love to worship, and never missed church. My example has been less than that in recent years, and I repent of my slackness. I truly want and intend to be the godly example I should be, that my wife and family need me to be.
I have been trying to work on this recently. I desperately want to be a good man whom my wife and family can respect an follow. I equally desperately want to be pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.
Last time through I wrote:
"Day 34 (10th Jan )
"Love celebrates godliness.
"What examples do I set?
Do I model & live a life that is pleasing to God? How do I lead my family?
"Does my home life honour or dishonor God?
"Am I spiritually responsible?"
****************
The challenge to me today, actually it has been for many days that I have been working through this one, is to be godly myself, and to encourage godliness in my relationship and in our home.
Rejoicing in the truth. The truth is that Jesus Christ is Lord. So that means honoring Him and seeking to encourage respect and honour for Him in our family. I am challenged in my own lifestyle, my prayer life, and in the example I set.
Once I set that example, I think fairly well. I still had plenty of faults, but I led my family more strongly and clearly as a Christian man. I prayed with them, taught my children to love to worship, and never missed church. My example has been less than that in recent years, and I repent of my slackness. I truly want and intend to be the godly example I should be, that my wife and family need me to be.
I have been trying to work on this recently. I desperately want to be a good man whom my wife and family can respect an follow. I equally desperately want to be pleasing to my Lord and Saviour.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Day 33 Love Completes Each Other
Each of us is a complete person in our own right. We need to be able to live, each as a whole person, without needing another to complete us. We should be able to function normally and successfully by ourselves.
BUT ... God created marriage because we also DO need to be in deep, intimate fellowship, strengthened and strengthening, sharing, empowering together.
"It is not good for man to be alone".
"Two are better than one".
"But how can one be warm alone?"
We need the strength of unity, the bond that intimacy brings, the support of unconditional love.
Whether we share the same opinion, or if our positions differ, in marriage there is always someone who "has your back" and will support and encourage.
Too often we can focus on the differences as "bad", but there can be healthy reasons for diversity. The study points out how in marriage we can complement each other, bringing a balance.
Each of us has good, strong points. But left to themselves, these qualities could become faults. In much of our marriage there are opposites at work. The secret lies in using the power of BALANCE that these opposite brings, and to create even better results than just one of us could produce.
It is very easy to look at the areas in your spouse that are opposite to your own qualities, finding them hard to accept, and misunderstand them. Because we see from our OWN perspective. God gives opposites to bless and to create something stronger, blending two sides to make one complete entity, more powerful and effective.
BUT ... God created marriage because we also DO need to be in deep, intimate fellowship, strengthened and strengthening, sharing, empowering together.
"It is not good for man to be alone".
"Two are better than one".
"But how can one be warm alone?"
We need the strength of unity, the bond that intimacy brings, the support of unconditional love.
Whether we share the same opinion, or if our positions differ, in marriage there is always someone who "has your back" and will support and encourage.
Too often we can focus on the differences as "bad", but there can be healthy reasons for diversity. The study points out how in marriage we can complement each other, bringing a balance.
Each of us has good, strong points. But left to themselves, these qualities could become faults. In much of our marriage there are opposites at work. The secret lies in using the power of BALANCE that these opposite brings, and to create even better results than just one of us could produce.
It is very easy to look at the areas in your spouse that are opposite to your own qualities, finding them hard to accept, and misunderstand them. Because we see from our OWN perspective. God gives opposites to bless and to create something stronger, blending two sides to make one complete entity, more powerful and effective.
Thursday, 26 July 2012
Day 32 Love Meets Sexual Needs
The challenge today is pretty clear by the title. There are quotations from Scripture, regarding roles and responsibilities in marriage.
There is also reference to the concept of One Flesh. And romance.
Part of meeting sexual needs is the emotional side of it. The challenge to me, today, for our marriage is to meet the needs that Liz has emotionally. To be affectionate, but also to give her more time. To listen more. To just stop, and actually communicate more without being distracted by other things.
We both need this. I need Liz to listen to me, and she needs me to listen to her. By listening, by truly listening, Liz can know and feel that she actually is number one in my life. If she is pushed to the end of the line, or I am distracted by other things when we talk, the message I give is that she is less important than all those things.
So for me, today, my challenge is a repeat of so many before: listen to Liz, let her know by my actions and my listening that she really is valued. Then I can create the right atmosphere for romance to blossom.
Romance is seen differently by male and female. I need to treat Liz romantically, but in the way she feels it. To meet her needs, not mine. To be selfless. I always thought I was selfless. Now it's time to become it.
There is also reference to the concept of One Flesh. And romance.
Part of meeting sexual needs is the emotional side of it. The challenge to me, today, for our marriage is to meet the needs that Liz has emotionally. To be affectionate, but also to give her more time. To listen more. To just stop, and actually communicate more without being distracted by other things.
We both need this. I need Liz to listen to me, and she needs me to listen to her. By listening, by truly listening, Liz can know and feel that she actually is number one in my life. If she is pushed to the end of the line, or I am distracted by other things when we talk, the message I give is that she is less important than all those things.
So for me, today, my challenge is a repeat of so many before: listen to Liz, let her know by my actions and my listening that she really is valued. Then I can create the right atmosphere for romance to blossom.
Romance is seen differently by male and female. I need to treat Liz romantically, but in the way she feels it. To meet her needs, not mine. To be selfless. I always thought I was selfless. Now it's time to become it.
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Day 31 Love & Marriage
This study looks at the principle of "leaving & cleaving". The main focus is on separation from the controlling influences of our respective parents. That isn't really a problem for us. Any such thing had been well dealt with and left behind.
More important for us is the "cleaving". Cleaving to each other. Becoming "one" in our life together. Not divided by differences. Not separated by influences from our past. Not caught in perpetual disagreement. But rather, choosing to come into agreement in the important things of life.
Unity is so important. We need this unity more than ever. Putting aside our own expectations and ideas in favour of finding unity in creating a common ground. Choosing to be in agreement instead of disagreement. Not one person saying "I'm right. You have to do it my way". Rather humility on both sides is necessary to have a healthy relationship.
This is what I am working on, trying hard to do. And will continue to do so. Because I love Liz and I am determined to make our marriage the best and strongest it can possibly be.
More important for us is the "cleaving". Cleaving to each other. Becoming "one" in our life together. Not divided by differences. Not separated by influences from our past. Not caught in perpetual disagreement. But rather, choosing to come into agreement in the important things of life.
Unity is so important. We need this unity more than ever. Putting aside our own expectations and ideas in favour of finding unity in creating a common ground. Choosing to be in agreement instead of disagreement. Not one person saying "I'm right. You have to do it my way". Rather humility on both sides is necessary to have a healthy relationship.
This is what I am working on, trying hard to do. And will continue to do so. Because I love Liz and I am determined to make our marriage the best and strongest it can possibly be.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Day 30 LOVE BRINGS UNITY
This study looks at the perfect love, unity and togetherness of the Trinity. The call is for marriages to reflect that relationship.
Putting the other person in our marriage first, treating their body as our body, respecting and honoring them as we desire to be respected and honoured. This is the call. And dealing with everything that seeks to destroy that unity.
"Day 30 Unity (first time through)
"What am I doing that may be destroying our chance of unity?
"Not giving Liz space?
"Not resolving differences over the kids?
"I must back Liz when she speaks to the kids, even if I disagree. We must remain in unity. But for the sake of unity we must discuss the difficult issues, the areas of difference.
"We need to discuss last nights comments. Liz said that I had not believed her, that I had disagreed but not said so. I need to let her know what I felt. And why I didn't tell her what I disagreed with. She needs to know I love her enough to want to discuss everything without fear. "
"Day 30 (3rd Jan; second time)
"Love brings unity.
"The unity of the Godhead is complete and special. God has chosen the unique relationship of husband and wife to represent His internal unity in a special way to the world.
"He uses this imagery to explain his love for the church.
"Protect the unity and sanctity of my marriage in every way. I must guard and cover our relationship. I need to honour Liz and lift her up as my equal, my partner, as part of me.
"Satan is bent on destroying unity in marriages everywhere. He must not be allowed to succeed. I need to guard my heart against every thought, every feeling that works against our unity.
"I must keep remembering to "sow to the Spirit". "
The whole issue of unity is a continuing one. Open, honest communication is needed, where each of us is able to speak and to listen. To hear without judging. To give without demanding. To receive also.
I want to do whatever it takes to improve the unity in our marriage. One thing I have done by habit, I suppose out of a misguided fear of disunity, was to avoid confrontation. I have habitually avoided or gone quiet when I feel uncomfortable, when I don't agree, or when I don't know what to say.
I guess that Liz would assume my silence means disapproval. Perhaps it even makes her feel rejected or undervalued. I will have to ask her. It's not what I mean to convey. Sometimes I just feel awkward. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I am afraid of my opinions being rejected. Sometimes I actually do disagree. That's not usually the actual reality, but I am sure that it is the impression I convey.
I don't Liz feeling disapproved or undervalued. Or rejected. I want her to know her opinions matter to me. I want her to know she is loved and valued very highly. I will have to talk this one through with her. I want that unity with her. It is very important to me. I love Liz and want her to feel safe in our love, safe in our marriage, secure and loved.
Putting the other person in our marriage first, treating their body as our body, respecting and honoring them as we desire to be respected and honoured. This is the call. And dealing with everything that seeks to destroy that unity.
"Day 30 Unity (first time through)
"What am I doing that may be destroying our chance of unity?
"Not giving Liz space?
"Not resolving differences over the kids?
"I must back Liz when she speaks to the kids, even if I disagree. We must remain in unity. But for the sake of unity we must discuss the difficult issues, the areas of difference.
"We need to discuss last nights comments. Liz said that I had not believed her, that I had disagreed but not said so. I need to let her know what I felt. And why I didn't tell her what I disagreed with. She needs to know I love her enough to want to discuss everything without fear. "
"Day 30 (3rd Jan; second time)
"Love brings unity.
"The unity of the Godhead is complete and special. God has chosen the unique relationship of husband and wife to represent His internal unity in a special way to the world.
"He uses this imagery to explain his love for the church.
"Protect the unity and sanctity of my marriage in every way. I must guard and cover our relationship. I need to honour Liz and lift her up as my equal, my partner, as part of me.
"Satan is bent on destroying unity in marriages everywhere. He must not be allowed to succeed. I need to guard my heart against every thought, every feeling that works against our unity.
"I must keep remembering to "sow to the Spirit". "
The whole issue of unity is a continuing one. Open, honest communication is needed, where each of us is able to speak and to listen. To hear without judging. To give without demanding. To receive also.
I want to do whatever it takes to improve the unity in our marriage. One thing I have done by habit, I suppose out of a misguided fear of disunity, was to avoid confrontation. I have habitually avoided or gone quiet when I feel uncomfortable, when I don't agree, or when I don't know what to say.
I guess that Liz would assume my silence means disapproval. Perhaps it even makes her feel rejected or undervalued. I will have to ask her. It's not what I mean to convey. Sometimes I just feel awkward. I don't know what to say. Sometimes I am afraid of my opinions being rejected. Sometimes I actually do disagree. That's not usually the actual reality, but I am sure that it is the impression I convey.
I don't Liz feeling disapproved or undervalued. Or rejected. I want her to know her opinions matter to me. I want her to know she is loved and valued very highly. I will have to talk this one through with her. I want that unity with her. It is very important to me. I love Liz and want her to feel safe in our love, safe in our marriage, secure and loved.
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Day 29 LOVE'S MOTIVATION
So this study is a challenge to keep God in his rightful place on the throne of our hearts. The authors contend that our ability to love, & keep loving, will be determined by our relationship with the King of Love. How true!!!
Perhaps because I had been lonely as a single dad, or maybe it's just an existing flaw in my character, but when I met Liz I fell into idolatry.
God says, "You shall have no other gods before Me". All my life revolved around Liz. My behaviours and habits changed. I lived to please her. And she hated it. She often said so. Loved me, hated the obsession. And rightly so. It nearly destroyed us. Because I was stifling Liz.
I have a better focus on Jesus Christ again now, but I often slip. My heart worships him more now. My challenge is to continue setting my priorities into the correct order. With the motivation of His love in my heart, I can love His way. And only God's way is true, secure, and pure.
"Day 29 (2nd Jan) Love's Motivation
"My first motivation in all I do, needs to be God. "Do all to the glory of God".
"Any time my attention slips from God as my central and primary focus, I will end up failing. I can only expect His blessing and support when my life is set in the best order of priorities: God first, others second, myself last. Liz is of course first on the list of others, and my children need my undivided love and attention as well, but any time God is less than number one, I will end up in hot water.
"Love motivated by duty, or by favourable conditions, cannot be permanent but love that is lifted up as an offering to God - returned to him in gratitude ... - is able to sustain itself when all other reasons have lost their ability to energise us.
"Think: what a privilege that God has given Liz to me, to be able to love her as Jesus loves me!!!
"As we rebuild our relationship, we are so much happier together. But the danger here for me is that I can forget that it is still "one step at a time". I again felt confused, frustrated and lonely last night. I had to consciously tell myself to get out of self pity. We are closer but I was expecting us to be even closer. When I am loving Liz because Gods love motivates me, there is no room for self: only room to be more concerned for her needs than my own. It was a timely reminder for me to be sowing to the Spirit for a harvest of LIFE!!!!!"
"Day 29, 12th Nov
"Loving Liz unconditionally because My first commitment is love and honour to God.
"Also - I think I was working on a subconscious principle of tryi g to own Liz. Must apologize.
"Also for feeling sorry for myself when my real heart should have been earnestly for Liz. "
Perhaps because I had been lonely as a single dad, or maybe it's just an existing flaw in my character, but when I met Liz I fell into idolatry.
God says, "You shall have no other gods before Me". All my life revolved around Liz. My behaviours and habits changed. I lived to please her. And she hated it. She often said so. Loved me, hated the obsession. And rightly so. It nearly destroyed us. Because I was stifling Liz.
I have a better focus on Jesus Christ again now, but I often slip. My heart worships him more now. My challenge is to continue setting my priorities into the correct order. With the motivation of His love in my heart, I can love His way. And only God's way is true, secure, and pure.
"Day 29 (2nd Jan) Love's Motivation
"My first motivation in all I do, needs to be God. "Do all to the glory of God".
"Any time my attention slips from God as my central and primary focus, I will end up failing. I can only expect His blessing and support when my life is set in the best order of priorities: God first, others second, myself last. Liz is of course first on the list of others, and my children need my undivided love and attention as well, but any time God is less than number one, I will end up in hot water.
"Love motivated by duty, or by favourable conditions, cannot be permanent but love that is lifted up as an offering to God - returned to him in gratitude ... - is able to sustain itself when all other reasons have lost their ability to energise us.
"Think: what a privilege that God has given Liz to me, to be able to love her as Jesus loves me!!!
"As we rebuild our relationship, we are so much happier together. But the danger here for me is that I can forget that it is still "one step at a time". I again felt confused, frustrated and lonely last night. I had to consciously tell myself to get out of self pity. We are closer but I was expecting us to be even closer. When I am loving Liz because Gods love motivates me, there is no room for self: only room to be more concerned for her needs than my own. It was a timely reminder for me to be sowing to the Spirit for a harvest of LIFE!!!!!"
"Day 29, 12th Nov
"Loving Liz unconditionally because My first commitment is love and honour to God.
"Also - I think I was working on a subconscious principle of tryi g to own Liz. Must apologize.
"Also for feeling sorry for myself when my real heart should have been earnestly for Liz. "
Friday, 22 June 2012
Day 28. LOVE MAKES SACRIFICES
Today's study challenges us in the area of giving unselfishly to the other, looking for her needs, looking for the signs that tell me she has a need that I can help with. It may be at this point in the movie (Love Dare) that the husband secretly used the savings for his boat to provide a hospital bed for his wife's mother.
I have always seen myself as a person who puts others first. But I know there are plenty of ways I have let Liz down by being so preoccupied with my activities, whether playing or writing the music that is so important to me, or caught up in reading a book, that I miss some of her needs, and I also miss noticing other things in the home. This places huge stress on Liz, and probably makes her feel unloved.
When we first married, I would stay up very late with Liz, letting her talk from her heart in the early hours of the morning, massaging her painful back and legs and feet. Now I am so tired at night, I am falling asleep over a book or at my computer, and I have to go to bed. I am sure this makes her feel unloved and unappreciated.
My Dare must be to give up those things at night and again give Liz the time and attention she needs. Every wife needs to know she is the most important thing to her husband, or I suppose she feels insecure. My role must include letting Liz know in her heart, by regular experience, that she can be secure in my love, and in knowing that I will not place other things as more important than her and than our family.
I have always seen myself as a person who puts others first. But I know there are plenty of ways I have let Liz down by being so preoccupied with my activities, whether playing or writing the music that is so important to me, or caught up in reading a book, that I miss some of her needs, and I also miss noticing other things in the home. This places huge stress on Liz, and probably makes her feel unloved.
When we first married, I would stay up very late with Liz, letting her talk from her heart in the early hours of the morning, massaging her painful back and legs and feet. Now I am so tired at night, I am falling asleep over a book or at my computer, and I have to go to bed. I am sure this makes her feel unloved and unappreciated.
My Dare must be to give up those things at night and again give Liz the time and attention she needs. Every wife needs to know she is the most important thing to her husband, or I suppose she feels insecure. My role must include letting Liz know in her heart, by regular experience, that she can be secure in my love, and in knowing that I will not place other things as more important than her and than our family.
Thursday, 21 June 2012
DAY 27; LOVE ENCOURAGES
The study today talks about encouragement. The need for us to build each other up. Encouraging, supporting, making it possible for our partner to keep going, keep believing, keep strong.
A large aspect touched on in the study is to challenge us regarding the flip side of the topic. How do we discourage our spouse? What am I doing, what should I NOT be doing, that perhaps gives her the feeling of not being supported and loved? Do I let Liz know I believe in her? I think I do this. I tell her often that I love her, and try to encourage her in her struggles with physical pain and tough emotional issues. And I love encouraging her in her creative outlet, the photography which has brought her such a great new lease on life.
Do I place a burden of expectation on Liz? I certainly try not to. As part of the Dare for today, I will ask Liz that question. Possibly I do without thinking of it in those terms. I often forget to put my paperwork away (bills etc). I mean to pay them and then file them away. Maybe Liz feels that I am leaving it for her to do. I hope not - but perhaps my forgetfulness can be a burden of this nature.
Another aspect of encouragement is allowing the other person to be free to be who they are, not trying to make them fit some image we have placed on them. I think I'm ok in that regard, but I will also ask that privately.
Day 27 (27 Dec)
Love encourages.
Build my relationship with Liz by encouragement, not by expectation.
Day 27 (first time through)
* Expectations I have placed on Liz:
To be affectionate and there just for me, especially at dinner time when I arrive home, when she has so much else to deal with, & for her it is the hardest time of day.
* Appreciations I had of Liz right from the beginning:
Her conversation, our dialogue, our open & frank discussions.
Her ability to commit fully in conversation.
Her lovely smile
Her ability to have fun
(And others I have not added here)
* Need:
To talk about our fears
Strength: Greg's comment, that while a lady needs to be loved, & needs affection, her FIRST need in her husband is strength.
If so, my entire premise of nurturing Liz first has been our undoing.
Of course I need to be caring and gentle and expressive and creative, but FIRST I must be strong and dependable. No excuses that I am creative and compassionate will do at all. FIRST be strong, then be me, but never compromise the strength, or I will again undermine the stability of our relationship all over again.
A large aspect touched on in the study is to challenge us regarding the flip side of the topic. How do we discourage our spouse? What am I doing, what should I NOT be doing, that perhaps gives her the feeling of not being supported and loved? Do I let Liz know I believe in her? I think I do this. I tell her often that I love her, and try to encourage her in her struggles with physical pain and tough emotional issues. And I love encouraging her in her creative outlet, the photography which has brought her such a great new lease on life.
Do I place a burden of expectation on Liz? I certainly try not to. As part of the Dare for today, I will ask Liz that question. Possibly I do without thinking of it in those terms. I often forget to put my paperwork away (bills etc). I mean to pay them and then file them away. Maybe Liz feels that I am leaving it for her to do. I hope not - but perhaps my forgetfulness can be a burden of this nature.
Another aspect of encouragement is allowing the other person to be free to be who they are, not trying to make them fit some image we have placed on them. I think I'm ok in that regard, but I will also ask that privately.
Day 27 (27 Dec)
Love encourages.
Build my relationship with Liz by encouragement, not by expectation.
Day 27 (first time through)
* Expectations I have placed on Liz:
To be affectionate and there just for me, especially at dinner time when I arrive home, when she has so much else to deal with, & for her it is the hardest time of day.
* Appreciations I had of Liz right from the beginning:
Her conversation, our dialogue, our open & frank discussions.
Her ability to commit fully in conversation.
Her lovely smile
Her ability to have fun
(And others I have not added here)
* Need:
To talk about our fears
Strength: Greg's comment, that while a lady needs to be loved, & needs affection, her FIRST need in her husband is strength.
If so, my entire premise of nurturing Liz first has been our undoing.
Of course I need to be caring and gentle and expressive and creative, but FIRST I must be strong and dependable. No excuses that I am creative and compassionate will do at all. FIRST be strong, then be me, but never compromise the strength, or I will again undermine the stability of our relationship all over again.
Monday, 18 June 2012
Day 26. Personal Responsibility
The first time through The Love Dare, on Day 26 I made the following list, which became the basis of a letter of very serious apology to Liz. I won't give here the letter, but it was something I wrestled with determination to complete.
I meant it with all my heart, and I still do. The legacy of my faults still affects our relationship, although Liz did forgive me. Trust broken is a hard thing to regain.
"Broken promises; Impatience; Lust; Seducing; Backsliding; Not seeking help before marriage; Control; Manipulation; Impurity; Resentment; Shutting down; Not sharing my honest opinions; Involved others; Deceiving; Lying; Justifying; Self righteousness.
"Masks of being:
Loving; Caring; Gentle; Generous; Forgiving; Giving; Genuinely concerned."
Regardless of the truth of some of these masks as part of my character, as I searched my heart I had to ask myself whether I perhaps wore these qualities as masks because of my own insecurities. I had to conclude that often these masks were used to control, to make myself feel better, to get the results I wanted.
This Day (taking several days to work through) became the major turning point of our relationship. As I took serious responsibility for my faults instead of blaming Liz in my heart for our problems, she was able to process some of the struggles and found forgiveness for me.
The 2nd time through I wrote:
Day 26 (24th/25th Dec)
"Love is responsible.
"Taking full responsibility for myself, for my role in the home and at work, taking full responsibility for the health of our marriage.
"Not blaming, not even allowing myself to ever think on anything I may perceive as failure or fault in Liz. But willing only to take responsibility as husband, as the man, and to grow up and BE the man of wisdom, action, decision and strength that God created me to be.
"It is time to take the wheel.
"Bible readings today:
"Gen 32:24ff
"'Jacob wrestled ALL NIGHT and saw that he needed to hang on for a blessing. He was strong and tenacious. Just as he proved by working 20 years for a selfish relative.'
"1 Tim 1:1-2
"Do I really recognize my need for Gods authority and blessing? Is Jesus truly my hope? Am I a true child of God? How faithful have I been?
"The Sandfords write about the need to be in fellowship, in corporate praise, having Communion regularly, for me to remain and walk clean. I have preached this myself, many times. Where has my obedience and faithfulness gone?
"It is time for me to be the man, take responsibility for myself, my marriage, my family, and regain what I have lost. Only here will I find the hope and the miracles to save my family and find healing for us all."
Back to 19th June 2012.
It's amazing how we slip as humans, and forget the good we have attained. We make decisions and forget to follow through. We see the great results, then later find ourselves missing out on them. Or is that just me?
I have to remind myself daily of my choices, to stay walking in the best ways. I love Liz so very dearly, but I forget to take the time to let her feel loved. I speak my love to her. But I must never forget to keep blessing her so she feels loved. I tell her she is beautiful, but I must remember to take time to do the things that let her know it's not just nice words.
I choose again to keep taking responsibility as husband, to make the difference in our relationship. To not allow myself to look at Liz' faults, and to be more serious about dealing with my own.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Day 25 LOVE FORGIVES
The last time through The Love Dare,
I noted these things:
"Love forgives.
"Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won't.
"Forgiveness releases me from a prison I have created."
Crucial to our entire existence as Christians, yet so often not dealt with, is this issue of forgiveness. Heb 4:16 instruct us to "come boldly to the throne of grace" to "obtain mercy" and "find grace".
What is this mercy and grace? It is God looking at us through eyes that choose to treat us in a manner far better than the way we deserve. So too is how we need to live in love with our wives or husbands.
The so-called Lord's Prayer highlights this also:
"...and forgive us as we also forgive ..."
When he finished giving his disciples this model for prayer, Jesus reinforced his main point by saying,
"For if you don't forgive, you won't be forgiven".
Daily home life brings many emotions our way. The closeness of marriage is good sandpaper for the soul. The faults we would never suspect of ourselves become evident in the reactions we make resulting from interchange between husband and wife, and indeed the whole of family life. We react internally (in negative ways) to something said by our spouse, but if a friend or colleague said it, we would not have the same negative interpretation of their words. Somehow the process of becoming "one flesh" brings with it the scriptural truth of "sandpaper ministry". Iron sharpens iron. God uses us as sandpaper for each other, smoothing out our rough bits. I hope I am getting smoother and easier to love.
My experience has shown me that I still need to remind myself daily of the urgency of forgiveness towards Liz. No matter what happens, what is said in the course of our conversations (and we are doing extremely well now in our relationship: the tensions of last year have been left behind) must be tempered by the reminder to stay OUT of the depreciation room.
There will always be something that we can interpret as an attack, a criticism, a put-down, a feeling of hurt through ridicule, a lack of honour or respect: the question is NEVER how to change the other, but to see them through the eyes of love.
In my experience it took many months of pain and tension between us, & eventually reading an amazing book titled "Love & Respect" that showed me the differences in how men and women relate, and how they process life, and how they express themselves. Then I could see that Liz was not attacking me: she was crying out for me to listen. I was feeling attacked, and running to hide inside, until I discovered this amazing truth. She didn't understand that the way she spoke made me feel like I was under attack. She was crying out to be heard. Male and female have different voices. Learning to forgive, and to listen differently, helped to change our marriage. It restored some calm and order.
In most of our daily lives there are not any enormous issues to forgive - and they are obvious if they happen, so forgiveness is a issue that is recognized. In married life it's more about keeping short accounts, about not allowing the "little foxes" to "spoil the vines".
That's where we are, I think. Learning to just love each other and see each other through the eyes of mercy and grace. We are imperfect human beings. I have a most amazing wife. But sometimes I forget to hear what she is really saying. At those times I may feel hurt etc, and it's up to me to remind myself to not let anything, ever, come between us.
So even though Liz usually hasn't done or said anything out of order, if I misinterpret and temporarily feel hurt, the onus is on me to forgive and seek to understand.
Somebody posted on Facebook last week a sign. It was meant to be the voice of women to men. It said something like this:
"If it seems like I'm complaining it's not that I'm angry with you: it's because I trust you."
We have had our times when small things turned to big issues, miscommunication turned to resentments, hurt turned to angry defence, and apologies and forgiveness took time to process. That was a horribly messy time for us.
But it all starts with the small things in everyday family life. Will we forgive every little mistake, the things that seem too small and petty, that we might otherwise ignore or forget? If we leave them not forgiven, they have potential to grow into "roots of bitterness" - and bitterness is a terrible cancer that spreads and destroys.
I work hard to keep "short accounts" with my emotions. Yes, I have feelings. But I am determined to never again allow grudges to grow. If Christ could give himself completely in death for me because of his grace and mercy, then than is how I choose to live also. To live in grace and mercy towards Liz, our children, and everybody else - Christ died for them too.
I noted these things:
"Love forgives.
"Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won't.
"Forgiveness releases me from a prison I have created."
Crucial to our entire existence as Christians, yet so often not dealt with, is this issue of forgiveness. Heb 4:16 instruct us to "come boldly to the throne of grace" to "obtain mercy" and "find grace".
What is this mercy and grace? It is God looking at us through eyes that choose to treat us in a manner far better than the way we deserve. So too is how we need to live in love with our wives or husbands.
The so-called Lord's Prayer highlights this also:
"...and forgive us as we also forgive ..."
When he finished giving his disciples this model for prayer, Jesus reinforced his main point by saying,
"For if you don't forgive, you won't be forgiven".
Daily home life brings many emotions our way. The closeness of marriage is good sandpaper for the soul. The faults we would never suspect of ourselves become evident in the reactions we make resulting from interchange between husband and wife, and indeed the whole of family life. We react internally (in negative ways) to something said by our spouse, but if a friend or colleague said it, we would not have the same negative interpretation of their words. Somehow the process of becoming "one flesh" brings with it the scriptural truth of "sandpaper ministry". Iron sharpens iron. God uses us as sandpaper for each other, smoothing out our rough bits. I hope I am getting smoother and easier to love.
My experience has shown me that I still need to remind myself daily of the urgency of forgiveness towards Liz. No matter what happens, what is said in the course of our conversations (and we are doing extremely well now in our relationship: the tensions of last year have been left behind) must be tempered by the reminder to stay OUT of the depreciation room.
There will always be something that we can interpret as an attack, a criticism, a put-down, a feeling of hurt through ridicule, a lack of honour or respect: the question is NEVER how to change the other, but to see them through the eyes of love.
In my experience it took many months of pain and tension between us, & eventually reading an amazing book titled "Love & Respect" that showed me the differences in how men and women relate, and how they process life, and how they express themselves. Then I could see that Liz was not attacking me: she was crying out for me to listen. I was feeling attacked, and running to hide inside, until I discovered this amazing truth. She didn't understand that the way she spoke made me feel like I was under attack. She was crying out to be heard. Male and female have different voices. Learning to forgive, and to listen differently, helped to change our marriage. It restored some calm and order.
In most of our daily lives there are not any enormous issues to forgive - and they are obvious if they happen, so forgiveness is a issue that is recognized. In married life it's more about keeping short accounts, about not allowing the "little foxes" to "spoil the vines".
That's where we are, I think. Learning to just love each other and see each other through the eyes of mercy and grace. We are imperfect human beings. I have a most amazing wife. But sometimes I forget to hear what she is really saying. At those times I may feel hurt etc, and it's up to me to remind myself to not let anything, ever, come between us.
So even though Liz usually hasn't done or said anything out of order, if I misinterpret and temporarily feel hurt, the onus is on me to forgive and seek to understand.
Somebody posted on Facebook last week a sign. It was meant to be the voice of women to men. It said something like this:
"If it seems like I'm complaining it's not that I'm angry with you: it's because I trust you."
We have had our times when small things turned to big issues, miscommunication turned to resentments, hurt turned to angry defence, and apologies and forgiveness took time to process. That was a horribly messy time for us.
But it all starts with the small things in everyday family life. Will we forgive every little mistake, the things that seem too small and petty, that we might otherwise ignore or forget? If we leave them not forgiven, they have potential to grow into "roots of bitterness" - and bitterness is a terrible cancer that spreads and destroys.
I work hard to keep "short accounts" with my emotions. Yes, I have feelings. But I am determined to never again allow grudges to grow. If Christ could give himself completely in death for me because of his grace and mercy, then than is how I choose to live also. To live in grace and mercy towards Liz, our children, and everybody else - Christ died for them too.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
Day 24 LOVE VS LUST
This has been a difficult one for me to work through. In all of these studies I try to take something that will be a challenge to my own life, to help me become a better husband for Liz.
As a young man I struggled with lust. But I was determined to win over it, and I think I have. So I have been taking my time with this study. I didn't want to just pass it by, and perhaps seem as if I was avoiding the topic for some reason.
So I needed to dig deeper. What is lust? It is strong desire, usually for something that is not a healthy "want" for us. It is a strong desire that dominates our thoughts enough to put us out of balance.
The most obvious form of lust is sexual. Hence the story of David and Bathsheba, Samson & Delilah, hence the huge problems in our world today with paedophilia, pornography, etc.
We can also have lust, or strong desire that takes us over to the point of sin, in many other ways.
In our society we talk of someone having a "lust for life", & that is a good thing. Unless it turns into boundary-breaking that affects others and leads to bad behaviour, or drug abuse.
Christian faith is a very good thing. Unfortunately some take it too far and in their religious fervour it becomes an obsession which destroys families and communities. I have lived through situations where a pastor's desire to produce a church that pleased God was so strong it became a sort of lust to control and dominate, sadly causing churches to fall apart and causing Christians to lose their faith. I have lived through at least 2 of these situations and observed several others.
Perhaps an area where I have failed to control myself is in the area of worship. I love to write songs that will please God and touch hearts of worshippers. But it can also become my escape from life. Many times my family has missed out on my attention because my head has been lost in my music.
Worship is good. Music is good. The calling and giftings on my life are in music. But I must never let my need to create music deprive my family of the love, provision, discipline, watchful protection that they need. Does Liz really know I love her, if my head is so full of my newest song that I can't tell her what she just said to me? Do my girls know I really love them, if my obsession with going to the secret place of my music keeps me from listening to them properly, or worse: keeps me from acting to protect them from neglect and abuse they received as children (not from Liz - we only married in 2009).
Is it too easy to hide in a world of worship and avoid life? Is my "lust" to write actually fueled also by a fear of confrontation perhaps? Not that music is wrong. I was created to be creative - we were all made in the image of the Creator. But clearly I must find a balance. Before its too late for my children. And for the sake of Liz and our marriage. She needs to know she matters to me, more than my music, more than my own comfort, more than my own need to hide away.
It's time for me to change these things. Please if you read this, pray for me, that I will have strength and grace to break out of following my own desires, to learn to control them instead, and to be truly free to just live in my family, live as a good husband and father, without the lust or need to hide away.
The previous time through the Love Dare, I wrote:
Lust is the opposite of love.
Lust is deep desire that draws me away from God or my spouse.
It may be anything - desire for more money, possessions, etc.
Eyes heart actions
The first time through I questioned my need to be an enabler or servant in codependent relationships as being a type of lust. I think I have worked through a large part of that. I hope the tendency toward codependency has become much weaker in my life. I think it has. Still there, but being killed off little by little.
As a young man I struggled with lust. But I was determined to win over it, and I think I have. So I have been taking my time with this study. I didn't want to just pass it by, and perhaps seem as if I was avoiding the topic for some reason.
So I needed to dig deeper. What is lust? It is strong desire, usually for something that is not a healthy "want" for us. It is a strong desire that dominates our thoughts enough to put us out of balance.
The most obvious form of lust is sexual. Hence the story of David and Bathsheba, Samson & Delilah, hence the huge problems in our world today with paedophilia, pornography, etc.
We can also have lust, or strong desire that takes us over to the point of sin, in many other ways.
In our society we talk of someone having a "lust for life", & that is a good thing. Unless it turns into boundary-breaking that affects others and leads to bad behaviour, or drug abuse.
Christian faith is a very good thing. Unfortunately some take it too far and in their religious fervour it becomes an obsession which destroys families and communities. I have lived through situations where a pastor's desire to produce a church that pleased God was so strong it became a sort of lust to control and dominate, sadly causing churches to fall apart and causing Christians to lose their faith. I have lived through at least 2 of these situations and observed several others.
Perhaps an area where I have failed to control myself is in the area of worship. I love to write songs that will please God and touch hearts of worshippers. But it can also become my escape from life. Many times my family has missed out on my attention because my head has been lost in my music.
Worship is good. Music is good. The calling and giftings on my life are in music. But I must never let my need to create music deprive my family of the love, provision, discipline, watchful protection that they need. Does Liz really know I love her, if my head is so full of my newest song that I can't tell her what she just said to me? Do my girls know I really love them, if my obsession with going to the secret place of my music keeps me from listening to them properly, or worse: keeps me from acting to protect them from neglect and abuse they received as children (not from Liz - we only married in 2009).
Is it too easy to hide in a world of worship and avoid life? Is my "lust" to write actually fueled also by a fear of confrontation perhaps? Not that music is wrong. I was created to be creative - we were all made in the image of the Creator. But clearly I must find a balance. Before its too late for my children. And for the sake of Liz and our marriage. She needs to know she matters to me, more than my music, more than my own comfort, more than my own need to hide away.
It's time for me to change these things. Please if you read this, pray for me, that I will have strength and grace to break out of following my own desires, to learn to control them instead, and to be truly free to just live in my family, live as a good husband and father, without the lust or need to hide away.
The previous time through the Love Dare, I wrote:
Lust is the opposite of love.
Lust is deep desire that draws me away from God or my spouse.
It may be anything - desire for more money, possessions, etc.
Eyes heart actions
The first time through I questioned my need to be an enabler or servant in codependent relationships as being a type of lust. I think I have worked through a large part of that. I hope the tendency toward codependency has become much weaker in my life. I think it has. Still there, but being killed off little by little.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Day 23 LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS
This is an interesting one to think about. A husband's role is Protector. A father's role is the same.
When my children were younger, I was very good at enforcing the rules. Cheekiness was banned. Never a movie with even the hint of language (even "crap" was unacceptable for this dad).
But I look back and think I was more an enforcer of right and wrong than anything else. I don't believe my motivation was really that of Protector. Many things that happened and affected various ones of my girls could have been dealt with or prevented, if only I had understood the role of Protector.
In the first 2 years of my marriage to Liz, there were times I didn't protect her - from tensions within the home, from certain situations that seriously endangered her health, and by not standing with her 100% and thus not giving her the security I should have. I believe I have become more aware of this role, and I am sure my heart is different now in this regard.
But this chapter of the Love Dare takes us a step further.
The authors declare that husbands and wives must protect each other, and they challenge our thinking about what this entails.
Satan has an assignment AGAINST marriage because of its importance to God. So he throws every weapon he has against us. But often these are sneaky and insidious ways.
The Authors point out these areas in which we need to protect our partners and our marriage:
Harmful influences.
Habits, time wasters, work schedules.
TV, Internet, etc. Things that pull us away from healthy interaction at home. Even good hobbies can damage the health of a relationship if they are allowed to interfere too much with our time together. Often in today's society, cyber relationships (friends on the Internet) can impact on the communication within the home. Who do I spend most time with?
Unhealthy relationships.
We must choose our friends wisely. Not all our friendships are healthy for our marriages. A special danger we must guard against is opposite-sex friendships. My deliberate choice has been to avoid close friendships with women other than Liz, except where it is our friends as couples together. Even then, my main friend will always be the husband. It's safest that way. I don't ever want anyone to come between Liz and me.
Shame.
This is an issue I have always been very sensitive towards. God's Word says that love covers a multitude of sins. Replace "sins" with faults and mistakes, and you can see God's heart. Every person matters to God, and I believe His plan for us is that we cover each other's weaknesses and faults in love. Not turning them into objects for ridicule or publication. I must protect my wife in these things. If she makes a mistake or slips up in some way, my job is to protect her. Not telling others about her faults but PROTECTING her from shame.
When we had our emotional crash and I was at my lowest point, I talked about our issue with family other family members. This was 100% WRONG!! I should have been protecting Liz, not exposing her to hurt.
My role, regardless of all other influences, is to protect Liz and our family. No matter what. That is my choice. And I am truly sorry for the times I didn't protect Liz - emotionally, physically, in any way I let her down.
When my children were younger, I was very good at enforcing the rules. Cheekiness was banned. Never a movie with even the hint of language (even "crap" was unacceptable for this dad).
But I look back and think I was more an enforcer of right and wrong than anything else. I don't believe my motivation was really that of Protector. Many things that happened and affected various ones of my girls could have been dealt with or prevented, if only I had understood the role of Protector.
In the first 2 years of my marriage to Liz, there were times I didn't protect her - from tensions within the home, from certain situations that seriously endangered her health, and by not standing with her 100% and thus not giving her the security I should have. I believe I have become more aware of this role, and I am sure my heart is different now in this regard.
But this chapter of the Love Dare takes us a step further.
The authors declare that husbands and wives must protect each other, and they challenge our thinking about what this entails.
Satan has an assignment AGAINST marriage because of its importance to God. So he throws every weapon he has against us. But often these are sneaky and insidious ways.
The Authors point out these areas in which we need to protect our partners and our marriage:
Harmful influences.
Habits, time wasters, work schedules.
TV, Internet, etc. Things that pull us away from healthy interaction at home. Even good hobbies can damage the health of a relationship if they are allowed to interfere too much with our time together. Often in today's society, cyber relationships (friends on the Internet) can impact on the communication within the home. Who do I spend most time with?
Unhealthy relationships.
We must choose our friends wisely. Not all our friendships are healthy for our marriages. A special danger we must guard against is opposite-sex friendships. My deliberate choice has been to avoid close friendships with women other than Liz, except where it is our friends as couples together. Even then, my main friend will always be the husband. It's safest that way. I don't ever want anyone to come between Liz and me.
Shame.
This is an issue I have always been very sensitive towards. God's Word says that love covers a multitude of sins. Replace "sins" with faults and mistakes, and you can see God's heart. Every person matters to God, and I believe His plan for us is that we cover each other's weaknesses and faults in love. Not turning them into objects for ridicule or publication. I must protect my wife in these things. If she makes a mistake or slips up in some way, my job is to protect her. Not telling others about her faults but PROTECTING her from shame.
When we had our emotional crash and I was at my lowest point, I talked about our issue with family other family members. This was 100% WRONG!! I should have been protecting Liz, not exposing her to hurt.
My role, regardless of all other influences, is to protect Liz and our family. No matter what. That is my choice. And I am truly sorry for the times I didn't protect Liz - emotionally, physically, in any way I let her down.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
Day 22 LOVE IS FAITHFUL
This dare isn't talking about the obvious - avoiding adultery - it is about being constant and consistent in loving my wife, no matter what happens. Whether she is responsive or not; whether she loves me in return or turns away for a time; continuing to faithfully give my love in all weather.
Now we are going really well in our relationship. But there were long periods of time which were rocky. For various reasons. The second time I went through the Love Dare, I was really searching my heart. This is what I wrote:
"Day 22 Love is faithful
"Faithful to God, faithful in loving Liz all the time. Not being influenced by feelings of rejection or hurt, but loving Liz unconditionally in all of our good AND bad times.
" reading:
"A good tree can't produce bad fruit.
A bad tree can't produce good.
So every bad fruit in my life comes from a bad root. Every good fruit comes from a good root.
"What are the bad fruit in my life?
What are their roots?
Can they be traced back to a judgment of some sort on one of my parents? (or both)
"Why if I know Gods love do I feel so insecure?
"Why do I need Liz' affirmation?
"Why do I need to please people?
"Why can't I firmly hold my own opinions?
"Why do I put my head in the sand?
"Why do I put off important or urgent tasks?
"Why is confrontation such a big issue for me?"
In this chapter of The Love Dare, the author brings in the story of the prophet Hosea, with his wife who rejected his love, but God called Hosea to remain faithful.
I never doubted Liz' faithfulness. I knew she loved me. But various factors, some caused by me, had put terrible pressure on our relationship.
So I think what happened was that I interpreted things she said and did to be rejection of me. I think also that maybe things I said and did made her also feel rejected and unloved.
What I see now is that love doesn't react. It stays faithful. Faithful includes the word "faith". So true faithfulness must include hope which is an element of faith.
Therefore for me, my challenge is to always seek to bring hope into our family life and into our relationship. To always be quietly faithful, dependable. Not forcing my presence or my opinions. Just faithfully there for Liz, no matter what comes our way. To be a rock she can depend on.
Now we are going really well in our relationship. But there were long periods of time which were rocky. For various reasons. The second time I went through the Love Dare, I was really searching my heart. This is what I wrote:
"Day 22 Love is faithful
"Faithful to God, faithful in loving Liz all the time. Not being influenced by feelings of rejection or hurt, but loving Liz unconditionally in all of our good AND bad times.
" reading:
"A good tree can't produce bad fruit.
A bad tree can't produce good.
So every bad fruit in my life comes from a bad root. Every good fruit comes from a good root.
"What are the bad fruit in my life?
What are their roots?
Can they be traced back to a judgment of some sort on one of my parents? (or both)
"Why if I know Gods love do I feel so insecure?
"Why do I need Liz' affirmation?
"Why do I need to please people?
"Why can't I firmly hold my own opinions?
"Why do I put my head in the sand?
"Why do I put off important or urgent tasks?
"Why is confrontation such a big issue for me?"
In this chapter of The Love Dare, the author brings in the story of the prophet Hosea, with his wife who rejected his love, but God called Hosea to remain faithful.
I never doubted Liz' faithfulness. I knew she loved me. But various factors, some caused by me, had put terrible pressure on our relationship.
So I think what happened was that I interpreted things she said and did to be rejection of me. I think also that maybe things I said and did made her also feel rejected and unloved.
What I see now is that love doesn't react. It stays faithful. Faithful includes the word "faith". So true faithfulness must include hope which is an element of faith.
Therefore for me, my challenge is to always seek to bring hope into our family life and into our relationship. To always be quietly faithful, dependable. Not forcing my presence or my opinions. Just faithfully there for Liz, no matter what comes our way. To be a rock she can depend on.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Day 21 LOVE IS SATISFIED IN GOD
Following on from the last 2 days' discussions about our need for God in our lives, we have today's Dare: where do we find our satisfaction, our fulfillment?
If only God can do the impossible and help me to love my wife unconditionally, guess what that also means?
It means she can't love me unconditionally without His help either! It also points out the fact that there are plenty of other things Liz cannot do for me, and that I cannot realistically expect of her.
She cannot give me inner peace ( it comes from God), true satisfaction (same), real contentment (comes from Him), and other things besides.
Liz is not God. She is, like me, a flawed human being. There are plenty of things we CAN give each other. But first and foremost my satisfaction and contentment in life must derive from my relationship with God. Only then can I bring peace, joy etc into our home. When I have found the secret of "abiding in Him".
So today's dare is to press deeper into my relationship with God. To worship, read his Word, commune with Him.
Then as I read many years ago in a book entitled "When the Spirit comes", (Colin Urquhart), my teapot will be not only filled, but continually refilled to overflowing. Then I will have input of eternal value, and inner resources of the best kind to bring into my relationship with Liz and with our family.
If only God can do the impossible and help me to love my wife unconditionally, guess what that also means?
It means she can't love me unconditionally without His help either! It also points out the fact that there are plenty of other things Liz cannot do for me, and that I cannot realistically expect of her.
She cannot give me inner peace ( it comes from God), true satisfaction (same), real contentment (comes from Him), and other things besides.
Liz is not God. She is, like me, a flawed human being. There are plenty of things we CAN give each other. But first and foremost my satisfaction and contentment in life must derive from my relationship with God. Only then can I bring peace, joy etc into our home. When I have found the secret of "abiding in Him".
So today's dare is to press deeper into my relationship with God. To worship, read his Word, commune with Him.
Then as I read many years ago in a book entitled "When the Spirit comes", (Colin Urquhart), my teapot will be not only filled, but continually refilled to overflowing. Then I will have input of eternal value, and inner resources of the best kind to bring into my relationship with Liz and with our family.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Day 20 LOVE IS JESUS CHRIST
Today's dare is a challenge to the many who read through this book, desperate to save their marriages, but not knowing Jesus Christ personally.
The points we have considered have challenged our thinking about ourselves, about life, about our partners, about the balance of responsibility, about many things. The author brought us to see (yesterday) that we cannot hope as humans to ever truly love unconditionally for all our lives. We are not capable. It is humanly impossible. Only God can love like that. Only God can equip us to love in that way.
This leads into today's dare. The challenge is extended to those who are doing it without God in their lives: accept the Lord Jesus Christ into your life. Acknowledge his Lordship and bow your knee to Him. Make Him the Lord of your life, and then see Him work the changes He wants to make in you. Then with Christ in me, I have a greater chance to be a better husband, parent, friend, citizen, a better person.
The challenge to those of us who already have Christ in our lives must then be similar. If Christ is supposed to make a difference in my life, how did I end up needing to do The Love Dare?
Because I am a flawed human being still, and I need Him working in my life more than ever. I can see that although I love God, devoted my life to His service, held titles and roles that made me appear as if I was perhaps a spiritual rock, there were cracks in my armour, faults in my perception, weaknesses in my heart and mind. If this were not so, I would have been a different husband & DEFINITELY a different parent!!! Many of the choices (& non-choices) I made, I look back and know I should have been different, stronger, wiser.
So here is absolute proof that I need God in my life more and more. If true love is Jesus Christ, then I want more of Him in my life. And I must make the effort consistently to see that happen.
The points we have considered have challenged our thinking about ourselves, about life, about our partners, about the balance of responsibility, about many things. The author brought us to see (yesterday) that we cannot hope as humans to ever truly love unconditionally for all our lives. We are not capable. It is humanly impossible. Only God can love like that. Only God can equip us to love in that way.
This leads into today's dare. The challenge is extended to those who are doing it without God in their lives: accept the Lord Jesus Christ into your life. Acknowledge his Lordship and bow your knee to Him. Make Him the Lord of your life, and then see Him work the changes He wants to make in you. Then with Christ in me, I have a greater chance to be a better husband, parent, friend, citizen, a better person.
The challenge to those of us who already have Christ in our lives must then be similar. If Christ is supposed to make a difference in my life, how did I end up needing to do The Love Dare?
Because I am a flawed human being still, and I need Him working in my life more than ever. I can see that although I love God, devoted my life to His service, held titles and roles that made me appear as if I was perhaps a spiritual rock, there were cracks in my armour, faults in my perception, weaknesses in my heart and mind. If this were not so, I would have been a different husband & DEFINITELY a different parent!!! Many of the choices (& non-choices) I made, I look back and know I should have been different, stronger, wiser.
So here is absolute proof that I need God in my life more and more. If true love is Jesus Christ, then I want more of Him in my life. And I must make the effort consistently to see that happen.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Day 19 LOVE IS IMPOSSIBLE
Today's dare introduces the fact that it is impossible for us to unconditionally love our spouse 100% of the time. There are times when resentment, reactions, self-pity or annoyance can surface. Sure, we squash them as soon as we realise, but you see the point: we are flawed human beings.
We have self-preservation built into us. There are times when unconditional love is not quite as automatic as we want it to be. We are not God. It is impossible for us.
Only God can do the impossible. But the good news is that He CAN!
So today's dare is to put our lives into His hands. To allow Him the rule in our lives so that He can transform us. God in me can unconditionally love Liz. I can't do it on my own.
This is another reminder of the need our marriage has for God to be actively, deliberately included in our partnership. We need Him at the centre. We need Him in everything we do. Our first loyalty needs to be toward Him, then our loyalty to each other can be more complete.
Worshipping together, praying together, trusting together, these are all necessities.
But first it must start individually. If I don't have Christ on the throne of my heart, I don't have Him anywhere.
After a lifetime of loving and serving God, often in a leadership role, and culminating in the role of Pastor for about 8 years, I came to a major crash in my life. I made certain compromises. I pulled out of the church I was in.
It became easy, as a church-goer without leadership commitments, to wax and wane like the moon in my attendance. It became easier to sleep in than get up for church. Because I had made my compromises, it also became easier for a time to avoid time with God. I could sing His songs but I didn't really maintain my relationship with Him.
It has been a long road back. I am still inconsistent in my church attendance. But I love to pray and to worship. I am writing songs again, a sure sign that I am closer to Him. But I need Him more every day. I need His input and His unconditional love flowing through me.
God has brought about wonderful changes in our marriage, especially in our communication and in drawing us closer together. I would be a fool to think we can do it without Him. We basically did that for a time, and nearly lost everything.
I am now committed and committing myself more and more to God's leadership and direction. I need Him. We need Him. And this time I'm not going to let go.
I love my God. I love my wife. I love our family. They need me to love with His IMPOSSIBLE love. Unconditionally.
We have self-preservation built into us. There are times when unconditional love is not quite as automatic as we want it to be. We are not God. It is impossible for us.
Only God can do the impossible. But the good news is that He CAN!
So today's dare is to put our lives into His hands. To allow Him the rule in our lives so that He can transform us. God in me can unconditionally love Liz. I can't do it on my own.
This is another reminder of the need our marriage has for God to be actively, deliberately included in our partnership. We need Him at the centre. We need Him in everything we do. Our first loyalty needs to be toward Him, then our loyalty to each other can be more complete.
Worshipping together, praying together, trusting together, these are all necessities.
But first it must start individually. If I don't have Christ on the throne of my heart, I don't have Him anywhere.
After a lifetime of loving and serving God, often in a leadership role, and culminating in the role of Pastor for about 8 years, I came to a major crash in my life. I made certain compromises. I pulled out of the church I was in.
It became easy, as a church-goer without leadership commitments, to wax and wane like the moon in my attendance. It became easier to sleep in than get up for church. Because I had made my compromises, it also became easier for a time to avoid time with God. I could sing His songs but I didn't really maintain my relationship with Him.
It has been a long road back. I am still inconsistent in my church attendance. But I love to pray and to worship. I am writing songs again, a sure sign that I am closer to Him. But I need Him more every day. I need His input and His unconditional love flowing through me.
God has brought about wonderful changes in our marriage, especially in our communication and in drawing us closer together. I would be a fool to think we can do it without Him. We basically did that for a time, and nearly lost everything.
I am now committed and committing myself more and more to God's leadership and direction. I need Him. We need Him. And this time I'm not going to let go.
I love my God. I love my wife. I love our family. They need me to love with His IMPOSSIBLE love. Unconditionally.
Day 18. LOVE SEEKS TO UNDERSTAND
Today's challenge is to seek to understand my wife a little bit more.
Understanding opens the way for trust to grow. It also helps me to meet her needs. It demonstrates to her that I care. Genuinely.
When we were courting, and engaged, I studied her. I understood her to a degree. The challenge is to keep studying.
When we move further into our relationships, of any sort, there is a danger of having "enough knowledge to be dangerous". With our partners, with our children, colleagues in the workplace, we can know them enough to begin second-guessing. We can start to assume their meanings and motives, and this can create problems in our relationships.
They feel judged or misunderstood. Barriers of suspicion or fear arise. Things can be said or thought, that are most unhelpful in our relationships. I see it often in others. I see where I have created problems in my own mind that have damaged my relationships with Liz and our respective children.
For a healthy marriage, I must constantly seek to be hearing and understanding Liz. Not assuming her meanings or motives - I'm usually wrong when I do that!
That's what I have been working at in my own life. Trying hard to not judge, not assume, not create problems that aren't really there. Love tells me to simply love Liz, not try to fix problems that don't exist.
I am trying to listen more and assume less. Because my commitment is to Liz for life. And I want our relationship to be the best it can be. I am glad to have found such a deep friendship as I have with Liz, and happy to have our marriage.
Liz often seems to feel that I have expectations on her that she can't fulfill. I hope that as I prove her worth to me more by listening better, and showing how truly I value her, this will help build her esteem and help her to know she is truly loved for who she is, not for something I might expect her to be.
Monday, 30 April 2012
Come and Breathe (new song)
Come and breathe
Your breath on me Lord
Come and breathe
As you said in your Word
Come and breathe
On my heart and my soul
On these dry bones Lord
Breathe and make me whole.
Come and breathe
On our family Lord
Come and breathe
So they can be free
Come and breathe
On our hearts and souls
On these dry bones Lord;
Breathe and make us whole.
We're not our own
Bought with the Blood
Before your throne
Called by love
Jesus Christ our Lord of glory
This has been our lifelong story
Spirit call, restore us all,
Let walls be smashed and mercy fall,
We pray; we pray.
With wounded lives, torn apart,
Forgiveness flow, restore our hearts;
Every chain and bondage be
Broken down on bended knee;
May love and grace bring new embrace,
Let joy and peace come fill this place,
We pray; we pray.
Restore our family,
Come Holy Spirit, set us free;
Bring healing love to change our hearts,
We pray; we pray.
Lord of life we need your power
Every day and every hour;
Surrender Lord, to you in every way,
We pray.
Copyright 2012 M.Scott-Branagan
Your breath on me Lord
Come and breathe
As you said in your Word
Come and breathe
On my heart and my soul
On these dry bones Lord
Breathe and make me whole.
Come and breathe
On our family Lord
Come and breathe
So they can be free
Come and breathe
On our hearts and souls
On these dry bones Lord;
Breathe and make us whole.
We're not our own
Bought with the Blood
Before your throne
Called by love
Jesus Christ our Lord of glory
This has been our lifelong story
Spirit call, restore us all,
Let walls be smashed and mercy fall,
We pray; we pray.
With wounded lives, torn apart,
Forgiveness flow, restore our hearts;
Every chain and bondage be
Broken down on bended knee;
May love and grace bring new embrace,
Let joy and peace come fill this place,
We pray; we pray.
Restore our family,
Come Holy Spirit, set us free;
Bring healing love to change our hearts,
We pray; we pray.
Lord of life we need your power
Every day and every hour;
Surrender Lord, to you in every way,
We pray.
Copyright 2012 M.Scott-Branagan
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Love Dare day 17 Love promotes Intimacy
Love promotes intimacy
The author talks about the intimacy of a marriage relationship from the perspective of knowing each other most deeply. Knowing the most secret parts of what makes up our partner, and allowing them to feel safe in entrusting all of themselves to you. It's about our very deepest need to be loved and accepted.
The author goes on to say that if home is not my safest place, I might be tempted to seek the safety I need elsewhere. Which is a very dangerous thing! It could lead to adultery; or to losing yourself in a hobby or a habit which can distance you from your partner and create separation within your most important relationship.
My wife should not feel pressured to measure up in any way so as to receive my approval. She must be allowed to know that she is fully loved, accepted and appreciated entirely as herself. She should not have any reason for fear of any sort in our relationship - definitely not fear of mistreatment or abuse, but also not needing to tread carefully in being who she is. And the same for me. We should be both able to speak freely and know that our opinions and feelings will be listened to, and respected. Like Adam and Eve, we should be able to be physically and emotionally "naked" and "not ashamed" right here in our marriage.
Right at this point, I have to acknowledge that for a long time I failed to provide that safety for Liz. I was afraid in myself, insecure in myself, and I didn't cope well in adjusting to the deeper level of communication at first.
I grew up hiding my feelings, perhaps ashamed somehow of who I was. I grew up in a home that had plenty of love, but where hard issues were not really discussed, and where "tact" was emphasized. But this "tact" simply taught me to not be open and honest with my feelings. In our home, hints and suggestions were often how we communicated about awkward topics.
Liz, on the other hand, was taught the way of honest and open communication. If you don't like something, say so. If something is bothering you, don't bottle it up. Talk about it. Find a solution.
I didn't know how to handle such openness. I didn't even recognize it as such. Even though I had cried out for openness and intelligent conversation about hard issues in my first marriage, when it actually came my way with Liz, I couldn't recognize it. All I could interpret it as was attack. I felt attacked. I felt attacked for my failings, attacked for my children's failings, and I felt unloved and unappreciated and unvalued.
The reality is, and it took nearly losing Liz for me to finally learn it, that Liz was simply TALKING TO ME on a level I had craved but never known. She was NOT undervaluing me: she was actually valuing me enough to trust me with her feelings, her fears, her thoughts. And i failed her trust right there! She was not pulling anyone or anything down - she was JUST COMMUNICATING as she should be able to.
I couldn't understand that. And I went into serious meltdown. I became defensive and reacted. In my hurting and terrified state I communicated more openly with our adult children than with Liz. I engaged in conversations that should not ever have been held, and in my fear of being found out and further damaging our relationship, I covered up and lied about them.
So ... Have I given Liz reasons to feel safe with me? Have I allowed her the security I wanted so much to give her? I didn't at all !!
It did all come out into the open. And we have worked through a lot of that. Does she feel safe with me again? I really hope so. Has all the damage I caused her soul been healed? Not fully. It takes time to regain trust when it has been broken.
Had Liz given up on me? Gratefully I can say, at least she hung on. Even when she wanted to walk, her character was strong enough to hold her. And now things are getting a lot better. Trust is still being rebuilt. But we are getting on much better and our communication is rewarding. I am learning to talk and hopefully showing Liz that I can be trusted. But it will take time. In my fear, insecurity and foolishness I nearly destroyed our future. I am just so grateful that she didn't give up on me, on us.
The author talks about the intimacy of a marriage relationship from the perspective of knowing each other most deeply. Knowing the most secret parts of what makes up our partner, and allowing them to feel safe in entrusting all of themselves to you. It's about our very deepest need to be loved and accepted.
The author goes on to say that if home is not my safest place, I might be tempted to seek the safety I need elsewhere. Which is a very dangerous thing! It could lead to adultery; or to losing yourself in a hobby or a habit which can distance you from your partner and create separation within your most important relationship.
My wife should not feel pressured to measure up in any way so as to receive my approval. She must be allowed to know that she is fully loved, accepted and appreciated entirely as herself. She should not have any reason for fear of any sort in our relationship - definitely not fear of mistreatment or abuse, but also not needing to tread carefully in being who she is. And the same for me. We should be both able to speak freely and know that our opinions and feelings will be listened to, and respected. Like Adam and Eve, we should be able to be physically and emotionally "naked" and "not ashamed" right here in our marriage.
Right at this point, I have to acknowledge that for a long time I failed to provide that safety for Liz. I was afraid in myself, insecure in myself, and I didn't cope well in adjusting to the deeper level of communication at first.
I grew up hiding my feelings, perhaps ashamed somehow of who I was. I grew up in a home that had plenty of love, but where hard issues were not really discussed, and where "tact" was emphasized. But this "tact" simply taught me to not be open and honest with my feelings. In our home, hints and suggestions were often how we communicated about awkward topics.
Liz, on the other hand, was taught the way of honest and open communication. If you don't like something, say so. If something is bothering you, don't bottle it up. Talk about it. Find a solution.
I didn't know how to handle such openness. I didn't even recognize it as such. Even though I had cried out for openness and intelligent conversation about hard issues in my first marriage, when it actually came my way with Liz, I couldn't recognize it. All I could interpret it as was attack. I felt attacked. I felt attacked for my failings, attacked for my children's failings, and I felt unloved and unappreciated and unvalued.
The reality is, and it took nearly losing Liz for me to finally learn it, that Liz was simply TALKING TO ME on a level I had craved but never known. She was NOT undervaluing me: she was actually valuing me enough to trust me with her feelings, her fears, her thoughts. And i failed her trust right there! She was not pulling anyone or anything down - she was JUST COMMUNICATING as she should be able to.
I couldn't understand that. And I went into serious meltdown. I became defensive and reacted. In my hurting and terrified state I communicated more openly with our adult children than with Liz. I engaged in conversations that should not ever have been held, and in my fear of being found out and further damaging our relationship, I covered up and lied about them.
So ... Have I given Liz reasons to feel safe with me? Have I allowed her the security I wanted so much to give her? I didn't at all !!
It did all come out into the open. And we have worked through a lot of that. Does she feel safe with me again? I really hope so. Has all the damage I caused her soul been healed? Not fully. It takes time to regain trust when it has been broken.
Had Liz given up on me? Gratefully I can say, at least she hung on. Even when she wanted to walk, her character was strong enough to hold her. And now things are getting a lot better. Trust is still being rebuilt. But we are getting on much better and our communication is rewarding. I am learning to talk and hopefully showing Liz that I can be trusted. But it will take time. In my fear, insecurity and foolishness I nearly destroyed our future. I am just so grateful that she didn't give up on me, on us.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Love Dare Day 16 LOVE INTERCEDES
Love Intercedes
It's a good challenge here, right in the midst of The Love Dare, to be doing more than nice things for my wife, and to be called to prayer.
Men are instructed by Paul to "love your wives, as Christ loved the church". What did Christ do? He laid down his life for her, and now he intercedes for us constantly.
I pray daily for Liz, of course, as nearly every Christian man would naturally pray for his wife. But the question I have needed to face is: do I intercede? FaithFULLy?
The prayer and the intention is without question. But I have to admit the consistent quality of my intercession waxes and wanes.
I need to always be in prayer, full of faith, doing battle on behalf of my wife and family.
Several years ago I preached a message entitled "Men of Issachar". There is a record that says their strength was that they "knew" the times. They had discernment. They were watchers. That's what I want to be. A watcher, a guardian, a protector for my family. Too many times I have abrogated my responsibility and my children suffered, & my marriage has suffered as well.
I have noticed that when I actually intercede (go to battle in prayer with a serious sense of responsibility and faith) things are better, happier, more peaceful and joyful for everyone at home. When I forget, going through the motions with "a form of godliness" but "lacking the power", my family is more stressed and loses its peace. The same thing happens in the workplace when, as manager, I stop noticing things, stop leading clearly, stop remembering to pray for my team and my shop's business.
See the awesome sense of responsibility an accountability right there! It's a horrible feeling every time I realise, as I notice the family struggling and realise with shock that it's connected with yet another slip I've made into lukewarm prayer.
So I determine (yet AGAIN!) to rise and be a real man of God. It's time for me to be the leader my family needs me to be, in the natural AND in the spiritual.
Pray for me. That I will be strong and consistent.
It's a good challenge here, right in the midst of The Love Dare, to be doing more than nice things for my wife, and to be called to prayer.
Men are instructed by Paul to "love your wives, as Christ loved the church". What did Christ do? He laid down his life for her, and now he intercedes for us constantly.
I pray daily for Liz, of course, as nearly every Christian man would naturally pray for his wife. But the question I have needed to face is: do I intercede? FaithFULLy?
The prayer and the intention is without question. But I have to admit the consistent quality of my intercession waxes and wanes.
I need to always be in prayer, full of faith, doing battle on behalf of my wife and family.
Several years ago I preached a message entitled "Men of Issachar". There is a record that says their strength was that they "knew" the times. They had discernment. They were watchers. That's what I want to be. A watcher, a guardian, a protector for my family. Too many times I have abrogated my responsibility and my children suffered, & my marriage has suffered as well.
I have noticed that when I actually intercede (go to battle in prayer with a serious sense of responsibility and faith) things are better, happier, more peaceful and joyful for everyone at home. When I forget, going through the motions with "a form of godliness" but "lacking the power", my family is more stressed and loses its peace. The same thing happens in the workplace when, as manager, I stop noticing things, stop leading clearly, stop remembering to pray for my team and my shop's business.
See the awesome sense of responsibility an accountability right there! It's a horrible feeling every time I realise, as I notice the family struggling and realise with shock that it's connected with yet another slip I've made into lukewarm prayer.
So I determine (yet AGAIN!) to rise and be a real man of God. It's time for me to be the leader my family needs me to be, in the natural AND in the spiritual.
Pray for me. That I will be strong and consistent.
Monday, 5 March 2012
Day Fifteen Love is Honourable
Day 15
LOVE IS HONOURABLE
Interesting. The daily calendar on our kitchen bench (James Dobson quotations) says today:
"RESPECT is intended to operate on a two-way street ..." (& then quotes:) 'Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, & the wife must respect her husband' (Eph 5:33)
This Dare looks at how I honour my wife. It discusses the special meaning of the word "honour". We are shown how in marriage, the word "holy" should be coupled with "honour".
This reminds me of something I read in "The Resolution for Men" chapter 6 where it says,
"Our journey to become godly husbands starts with the idea of holiness. When something is holy, think of it as being incredibly special & infinitely valuable. Holy things are set apart ... God is holy."
He goes on to point out that when we married, we were choosing each other over all the other people on earth. I chose Liz, set her apart, made her holy to me.
In my vows I declared faithfulness, devotion, to be holy for her - set apart - so our deepest, most secret parts of our hearts should be safe with each other BECAUSE we are holy to and for each other.
The Love Dare (Day 15) further explains this concept of linking honour with holiness.
"To say your mate should be 'holy' doesn't mean that he or she is perfect. Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose ... A person who has become holy to you has a place no one can rival in your heart... Sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised & defended."
So how about us? How about me? Have I treated her with honour and holiness? Have a made it possible for Liz to feel genuinely safe with me? To know that her heart, her feelings, her deepest thoughts & fears are safe with me?
Sadly and to my shame, NO. I think she is learning again to trust me and feel safe with me. But I gave her nothing to trust.
I failed in the role of honourable, trustworthy man of God. I led us into sin before we married. I slackened off with my example of church attendance. For too long I stopped walking with God. I deceived, I lied, I did not understand Liz or protect her.
I gave our marriage a faulty and unstable foundation. And then when Liz started crying out from her heart for security, in my own immature neediness I misinterpreted her cries for help as attacks on me and on my children, and I retreated when I should have been stepping up to be the man of godliness and character.
So now we are rebuilding. I think Liz has seen some healthy changes in me, enough to begin to trust me again. But I need to demonstrate the right character and supportive strength so I can be the man of God who makes a difference, who gives her and our children plenty of reasons to trust me.
I choose to be different.
I choose to be strong and stable for my wife and children to really KNOW they are safe.
To honour and respect my wife and family. So they can release their trust and we all can have a richer, more fulfilling life together.
LOVE IS HONOURABLE
Interesting. The daily calendar on our kitchen bench (James Dobson quotations) says today:
"RESPECT is intended to operate on a two-way street ..." (& then quotes:) 'Each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, & the wife must respect her husband' (Eph 5:33)
This Dare looks at how I honour my wife. It discusses the special meaning of the word "honour". We are shown how in marriage, the word "holy" should be coupled with "honour".
This reminds me of something I read in "The Resolution for Men" chapter 6 where it says,
"Our journey to become godly husbands starts with the idea of holiness. When something is holy, think of it as being incredibly special & infinitely valuable. Holy things are set apart ... God is holy."
He goes on to point out that when we married, we were choosing each other over all the other people on earth. I chose Liz, set her apart, made her holy to me.
In my vows I declared faithfulness, devotion, to be holy for her - set apart - so our deepest, most secret parts of our hearts should be safe with each other BECAUSE we are holy to and for each other.
The Love Dare (Day 15) further explains this concept of linking honour with holiness.
"To say your mate should be 'holy' doesn't mean that he or she is perfect. Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose ... A person who has become holy to you has a place no one can rival in your heart... Sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised & defended."
So how about us? How about me? Have I treated her with honour and holiness? Have a made it possible for Liz to feel genuinely safe with me? To know that her heart, her feelings, her deepest thoughts & fears are safe with me?
Sadly and to my shame, NO. I think she is learning again to trust me and feel safe with me. But I gave her nothing to trust.
I failed in the role of honourable, trustworthy man of God. I led us into sin before we married. I slackened off with my example of church attendance. For too long I stopped walking with God. I deceived, I lied, I did not understand Liz or protect her.
I gave our marriage a faulty and unstable foundation. And then when Liz started crying out from her heart for security, in my own immature neediness I misinterpreted her cries for help as attacks on me and on my children, and I retreated when I should have been stepping up to be the man of godliness and character.
So now we are rebuilding. I think Liz has seen some healthy changes in me, enough to begin to trust me again. But I need to demonstrate the right character and supportive strength so I can be the man of God who makes a difference, who gives her and our children plenty of reasons to trust me.
I choose to be different.
I choose to be strong and stable for my wife and children to really KNOW they are safe.
To honour and respect my wife and family. So they can release their trust and we all can have a richer, more fulfilling life together.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
LOVE DARE DAY FOURTEEN
LOVE TAKES DELIGHT
Eccles 9:9
delight in the wife of your youth.
Don't just follow your heart. Lead it. Don't let your feelings & emotions do the driving. Put them in the back seat & tell them where you're going.
It's unrealistic for your heart to constantly thrill at the thought of spending every moment with your spouse.
Feelings come and go. They are unreliable at best. Just because you love your spouse, doesnt mean you will always feel that. So let's get that out of the way immediately. There will be times when you even feel angry. But you know you still love them.
Love is not based on feelings. Perhaps it would fit better if we said that the feelings are based on love. That's why the author of the Love Dare says we need to lead our hearts, not be led by them.
Remember God said through Jeremiah that the heart is sick, deceitful and wicked. It tells us things that aren't true, convincing us that they are.
Hence teenage girls give their virginity away to boys they never could love, adamant that it is "true love". Hence middle aged men leave their wives for lustful affairs with someone else, insisting they have found their "soulmate".
And many other crimes of the heart, even murder, all based on a flawed understanding of the real nature of love.
Knowing I love Liz (& she loves me) is just the start, and it is my motivation. With this starting point I can lead my heart. We do (&will always) have times where our opinions differ, where we disagree, where we feel disappointed or annoyed with the other.
But we can make the choice to simply keep loving.
* * * * *
This is like my comments on previous days about cherishing. Something may ruffle me, but then it's my responsibility to remember that I cherish Liz. So I stop and actually focus in cherishing her. Immediately the awkwardness dissipates and I am just feeling and thinking in ways that bless her (& make me feel a whole lot better!)
The same fits here. I cherish Liz, and now I can choose to simply delight in her.
* * * * *
So now I have three words to live by, or maybe I should say to love by!!
CHERISH
+
LISTEN
+
DELIGHT
Monday, 20 February 2012
LOVE DARE DAY 13
LOVE FIGHTS FAIR
Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand.
*******
I start by quoting from the first paragraph:
"Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot ... , you joined not only your hopes & dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, & emotional baggage.... Welcome to fallen humanity."
*****
The challenge here is to learn to "deal.. with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side."
I have to sadly admit that I have not had a good history of dealing with conflict.
I pride myself on being a peacemaker. Maybe coward is a better word. Or bully. I'm not sure which. I'm not a violent and aggressive man at all, so the mask of humility well covers whatever my faults really are.
I have my own opinions in life. But as I have been discovering to my own shock in the last year or so, many of my opinions are wrong and much of my knowledge is flawed. What happened to the sure young man who was invincible 30 years ago?
I have had to humbly admit in so many areas that I really don't know as much as I thought, & that I am not as wise either. I discovered that by marrying someone knows so much more, & actually is a lot wiser than I am.
However, I still make the mistake of speaking without really knowing. You'd think I'd learn!
No, I am not aggressive or violent. But I do bottle up my hurts (though I convince myself I am not), and this comes out when I am really frustrated. Take last night. I was speaking calmly but trying to force conversation at a bad time (Fool!) and eventually did lose my temper and yell. Both actions scream out that I behaved as a bully! And in doing so, I destroy the work of rebuilding that has been going on in our relationship. How could Liz trust me and feel safe with me when I didn't respect her request to be left alone, and ended up shouting at her?????
Back in 2010 Liz asked me to learn to listen, and to always give her space so can process things, so we don't fight. I did for a while. Then I went back to old behaviour. The old me wants to fix everything NOW, when wisdom says to step back and allow the other to breathe & to think.
*****
So the Challenge today is to establish healthy rules of engagement. Issues like never mentioning divorce, not bringing up old, unrelated items, never fighting in public or in front of children (GUILTY!!), calling timeouts, never going to bed angry, refusing to accept failure.
*****
It's time for me to make some resolutions:
- To LISTEN to the end. Not to speak until it really is my turn.
- Dealing with my own issues up front.
- Speaking gently with my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Prov 15:1
*****
The chapter finishes thus:
"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."
God knows I have destroyed enough bridges already.
*****
So to add to my big discovery of the year is a second word that I will do well to dwell on.
My 2 words are:
CHERISH & LISTEN
Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, it cannot stand.
*******
I start by quoting from the first paragraph:
"Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. When you tied the knot ... , you joined not only your hopes & dreams but also your hurts, fears, imperfections, & emotional baggage.... Welcome to fallen humanity."
*****
The challenge here is to learn to "deal.. with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side."
I have to sadly admit that I have not had a good history of dealing with conflict.
I pride myself on being a peacemaker. Maybe coward is a better word. Or bully. I'm not sure which. I'm not a violent and aggressive man at all, so the mask of humility well covers whatever my faults really are.
I have my own opinions in life. But as I have been discovering to my own shock in the last year or so, many of my opinions are wrong and much of my knowledge is flawed. What happened to the sure young man who was invincible 30 years ago?
I have had to humbly admit in so many areas that I really don't know as much as I thought, & that I am not as wise either. I discovered that by marrying someone knows so much more, & actually is a lot wiser than I am.
However, I still make the mistake of speaking without really knowing. You'd think I'd learn!
No, I am not aggressive or violent. But I do bottle up my hurts (though I convince myself I am not), and this comes out when I am really frustrated. Take last night. I was speaking calmly but trying to force conversation at a bad time (Fool!) and eventually did lose my temper and yell. Both actions scream out that I behaved as a bully! And in doing so, I destroy the work of rebuilding that has been going on in our relationship. How could Liz trust me and feel safe with me when I didn't respect her request to be left alone, and ended up shouting at her?????
Back in 2010 Liz asked me to learn to listen, and to always give her space so can process things, so we don't fight. I did for a while. Then I went back to old behaviour. The old me wants to fix everything NOW, when wisdom says to step back and allow the other to breathe & to think.
*****
So the Challenge today is to establish healthy rules of engagement. Issues like never mentioning divorce, not bringing up old, unrelated items, never fighting in public or in front of children (GUILTY!!), calling timeouts, never going to bed angry, refusing to accept failure.
*****
It's time for me to make some resolutions:
- To LISTEN to the end. Not to speak until it really is my turn.
- Dealing with my own issues up front.
- Speaking gently with my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Prov 15:1
*****
The chapter finishes thus:
"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."
God knows I have destroyed enough bridges already.
*****
So to add to my big discovery of the year is a second word that I will do well to dwell on.
My 2 words are:
CHERISH & LISTEN
LOVE DARE DAY TWELVE
Day 12 (14th To 21st Feb)
LOVE LETS THE OTHER WIN
When we first marry as idealistic young people, it is not difficult to put the other person first.
Other issues soon come into play, because character flaws are not yet put to death. Opinions, selfishness, stubbornness, habits of judgment. Most all perhaps, competition. Growing up in a family with siblings, then school - we learn to compete. Part of maturity means not having to always be right, always the best.
In relationships we learn to put down our own need to feel good, to prove ourselves, to be on top. What we need is to put these to death. A relationship is about being willing. An attitude & spirit of cooperation.
"The palm tree endures the greatest winds because it knows how to bend."
Phil 2:5 have this attitude which was also in Christ Jesus. Humble submission. Willingness to lay down your own life, your own rights, and glory.
I have worked hard to lay down my own need to be "right" and to listen, and allow Liz her say. I defer to her opinion in most issues, seeking to just be humble and not think too highly of my own opinion. In many things she really does show better wisdom and insight anyway. For the other things, why should I insist on "my" way? Isn't cooperation and mutual love better?
Generally that's how I live.
But sometimes I get it horribly wrong.
Last night I was weighed heavily with some things on my heart, and instead of waiting until Liz was ready to talk, I made the talk happen straight away. What a FOOL I was.
You should expect me to know by now.
When someone isn't ready to talk, perhaps still processing things, needing time, you DON'T make them talk. It's wrong. I was wrong.
So because my love didn't "let the other win" we are now back at an impasse. Again. Fifty years old and two and a half times through the Love Dare, doing it because I love, cherish and adore my wife, and I have blown it AGAIN.
If anyone reads these posts, please pray for us. Pray for healing. Pray for me to learn to discern and to listen and to observe, and pray for me to be a better husband.
God know Liz deserves that.
LOVE LETS THE OTHER WIN
When we first marry as idealistic young people, it is not difficult to put the other person first.
Other issues soon come into play, because character flaws are not yet put to death. Opinions, selfishness, stubbornness, habits of judgment. Most all perhaps, competition. Growing up in a family with siblings, then school - we learn to compete. Part of maturity means not having to always be right, always the best.
In relationships we learn to put down our own need to feel good, to prove ourselves, to be on top. What we need is to put these to death. A relationship is about being willing. An attitude & spirit of cooperation.
"The palm tree endures the greatest winds because it knows how to bend."
Phil 2:5 have this attitude which was also in Christ Jesus. Humble submission. Willingness to lay down your own life, your own rights, and glory.
I have worked hard to lay down my own need to be "right" and to listen, and allow Liz her say. I defer to her opinion in most issues, seeking to just be humble and not think too highly of my own opinion. In many things she really does show better wisdom and insight anyway. For the other things, why should I insist on "my" way? Isn't cooperation and mutual love better?
Generally that's how I live.
But sometimes I get it horribly wrong.
Last night I was weighed heavily with some things on my heart, and instead of waiting until Liz was ready to talk, I made the talk happen straight away. What a FOOL I was.
You should expect me to know by now.
When someone isn't ready to talk, perhaps still processing things, needing time, you DON'T make them talk. It's wrong. I was wrong.
So because my love didn't "let the other win" we are now back at an impasse. Again. Fifty years old and two and a half times through the Love Dare, doing it because I love, cherish and adore my wife, and I have blown it AGAIN.
If anyone reads these posts, please pray for us. Pray for healing. Pray for me to learn to discern and to listen and to observe, and pray for me to be a better husband.
God know Liz deserves that.
Friday, 17 February 2012
Love Dare Day Eleven part B
CHERISH
It really is a beautiful word. It speaks volumes and has amazing power now. I have been meditating on it for over a week.
CHERISH
My challenge to myself has been:
Because I love Liz, and because I love our family, my choice is to stop and cherish. When something happens that would previously have triggered a reaction in me, I stop and remind myself that I am not going to allow negative thoughts to control me. So often we all behave in ways that don't reflect the truth that we love the people closest to us. Now I choose to remember that I actually do cherish.
What this means practically is that I stop myself feeling negative, and I actively allow feelings of love and goodwill towards whoever it may be. It really works!!! I have been amazed.
After many years of either reacting or bottling up my feelings (probably a pattern formed in my childhood) I am actually learning to disperse them and replace them with good feelings. I didn't know I could do that!
When I feel the old patterns of response coming on, I am recognizing them and before too long I am then feeling good instead of bad.
One thing this is doing for me, is tied up with how I see and interpret the things Liz says and does. Whereas before I seemed to always go into defensive mode internally, it has been helping me to sit back and see the bigger picture.
Where I (& I think my girls) fell badly was in not understanding Liz' motivation in our communications. Because I am now looking at her through different eyes, I am seeing how she speaks from her heart with a passion for my children that I didn't understand or recognize before. I see that she cares, therefore she speaks. And I am able to no longer be controlled by reactive patterns as I previously did. Where I felt she was judging the girls, now I see her fighting for their well-being. I was so blind! Blinded by my own preconceptions and inner mess.
I still have trouble speaking from my heart. Too often I hurt my family because they feel anger or judgment (I think) in my tone and body language, where I don't see it until later. But this key of CHERISHING has helped me turn a huge corner.
Where people over the years have seen me as gentle and kind, and I have believed their publicity, I now see how inside was festering and foul. I am still carrying the legacy of not growing up when I should have, and avoiding my responsibilities, and being led by my emotions.
Now I am changing. Late, at 50, but now I am seeing. It's to my shame that my misperceptions of life meant that I didn't train my children better, and that I avoided conflict, meaning that I left huge gaps in their training. But I determine to make a difference as a man of resolution and courage from this day on.
And to keep learning how to CHERISH.
It really is a beautiful word. It speaks volumes and has amazing power now. I have been meditating on it for over a week.
CHERISH
My challenge to myself has been:
Because I love Liz, and because I love our family, my choice is to stop and cherish. When something happens that would previously have triggered a reaction in me, I stop and remind myself that I am not going to allow negative thoughts to control me. So often we all behave in ways that don't reflect the truth that we love the people closest to us. Now I choose to remember that I actually do cherish.
What this means practically is that I stop myself feeling negative, and I actively allow feelings of love and goodwill towards whoever it may be. It really works!!! I have been amazed.
After many years of either reacting or bottling up my feelings (probably a pattern formed in my childhood) I am actually learning to disperse them and replace them with good feelings. I didn't know I could do that!
When I feel the old patterns of response coming on, I am recognizing them and before too long I am then feeling good instead of bad.
One thing this is doing for me, is tied up with how I see and interpret the things Liz says and does. Whereas before I seemed to always go into defensive mode internally, it has been helping me to sit back and see the bigger picture.
Where I (& I think my girls) fell badly was in not understanding Liz' motivation in our communications. Because I am now looking at her through different eyes, I am seeing how she speaks from her heart with a passion for my children that I didn't understand or recognize before. I see that she cares, therefore she speaks. And I am able to no longer be controlled by reactive patterns as I previously did. Where I felt she was judging the girls, now I see her fighting for their well-being. I was so blind! Blinded by my own preconceptions and inner mess.
I still have trouble speaking from my heart. Too often I hurt my family because they feel anger or judgment (I think) in my tone and body language, where I don't see it until later. But this key of CHERISHING has helped me turn a huge corner.
Where people over the years have seen me as gentle and kind, and I have believed their publicity, I now see how inside was festering and foul. I am still carrying the legacy of not growing up when I should have, and avoiding my responsibilities, and being led by my emotions.
Now I am changing. Late, at 50, but now I am seeing. It's to my shame that my misperceptions of life meant that I didn't train my children better, and that I avoided conflict, meaning that I left huge gaps in their training. But I determine to make a difference as a man of resolution and courage from this day on.
And to keep learning how to CHERISH.
Monday, 13 February 2012
Love Dare Day Eleven
Day 11 (7th - 13th Feb)
LOVE CHERISHES
How consistently do I cherish Liz?
The scripture is quoted:
Love your wife as your own body.
We are told that when we marry we become one flesh. So I ought to care for my wife just as sensitively and carefully as I look after myself. Sure, we may sometimes mistreat our bodies, but mainly we treat ourselves with care. We eat when hungry, nurse whatever is hurt, we clean, cover and protect ourselves.
The author of The Love Dare challenges us: what about when my spouse is hurting, afraid, worried, stressed, in pain? How does cherishing show itself when my wife has a problem that is bothering her? It is important to her. Will I choose to make it important to me also?
As I have read book after book on relationships, and watched tv shows and movies through the years, I have this observation:
In too many marriages, the husband shuts out his wife's talk. I have heard so many men make jokes about "nagging wives", and I have heard SO many times from other men the comments about "Keeping out of trouble". Too many men dismiss their wives' concerns as emotionalism.
* * * * *
We need to throw the word "nag" out of our vocabulary. It's time we men learned to genuinely listen and cherish as we listen. If our wives are ever to know they are loved, we need to change our attitude forever.
Men, it shouldn't be like that!!! I have been learning that wives speak because they need us to hear them, to actually listen and take them seriously. Men need to reassure their wives that their feelings, opinions and fears MATTER to them. How can a wife feel secure if she feels undervalued?
My own response to Liz has been the subject of my study these last few days. Do I truly cherish her? If so, how do my words (& thoughts!!) reflect that? When I find myself shutting her out or disagreeing with her, I have been consciously asking myself, "Is this cherishing?" It is an interesting exercise. It is making me change the way I think, the way I listen, and how I respond.
Cherish. It's a word that speaks of tenderness and care. Like a caress of the heart. Does your heart caress the heart of your spouse? Does the term tender mercies strike a chord in you? It should. It needs to.
Lamentations ch 3 says:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.
Is my life, is your life, a reflection of that? How do you treat those around you? With mercy? With grace? With kindness? Too often I have fallen short of the mark. But I am working on it now!!!!!
* * * * *
Last time I wrote:
"Day 11 (7th Dec)
"Love cherishes.
"Liz is a part of me.
How does that change the way I interact with her or speak to her?
"Do I really treat her as well as I treat myself? Do I protect her from criticism as I would protect myself? Do I respect her needs as I respect my own?
" Or do I expect her to meet my needs? Not in the obvious ways - my "selfless" mask wouldn't let me do that ! ...
"What about my need for affirmation, or to feel good, to be touched, to be acknowledged or feel welcomed? What do I do? I often force my way in to her personal space and disregard Liz' feelings so I can feel better.
"That is NOT cherishing her as myself!!! Do I think negatively about things she has said, or do I CHERISH her and protect her?"
* * * * *
As we have already learned, love is so much more than emotion. Emotions come and go. When we allow our love to grow into genuine love, it becomes something deeper and permanent. It becomes a choice from the depths of my heart. As we go through the interaction and struggles of daily life, it is easy to become reactive, selfish, to perhaps take the other person for granted, and even to begin to see them through the eyes of our hurt. We make misjudgements about their motives, interpreting their actions in ways they never intended. I have been guilty of that.
I think sometimes I became caught in the pattern of "rejection", in which a person feels rejection and reads rejection into the words and actions of those closest to them. Perhaps it comes from a fear of loss, or from a sense of personal insufficiency. But something I have noticed is that when I feel rejected, I think I must behave in ways that then make Liz feel rejected. We both feel out of sorts (at least, I think that's how it is), and the reality is that neither wants to feel that way, and neither wants the other to feel that way.
So I make the choice to CHERISH her in all things. To stay in the "Appreciation Room". To reflect on the amazing qualities that I truly admire about her. To let Liz FEEL loved and wanted. To cherish. A bit like the old wedding vows:
... to love and to cherish ... as long as we both shall live (in all circumstances!)
LOVE CHERISHES
How consistently do I cherish Liz?
The scripture is quoted:
Love your wife as your own body.
We are told that when we marry we become one flesh. So I ought to care for my wife just as sensitively and carefully as I look after myself. Sure, we may sometimes mistreat our bodies, but mainly we treat ourselves with care. We eat when hungry, nurse whatever is hurt, we clean, cover and protect ourselves.
The author of The Love Dare challenges us: what about when my spouse is hurting, afraid, worried, stressed, in pain? How does cherishing show itself when my wife has a problem that is bothering her? It is important to her. Will I choose to make it important to me also?
As I have read book after book on relationships, and watched tv shows and movies through the years, I have this observation:
In too many marriages, the husband shuts out his wife's talk. I have heard so many men make jokes about "nagging wives", and I have heard SO many times from other men the comments about "Keeping out of trouble". Too many men dismiss their wives' concerns as emotionalism.
* * * * *
We need to throw the word "nag" out of our vocabulary. It's time we men learned to genuinely listen and cherish as we listen. If our wives are ever to know they are loved, we need to change our attitude forever.
Men, it shouldn't be like that!!! I have been learning that wives speak because they need us to hear them, to actually listen and take them seriously. Men need to reassure their wives that their feelings, opinions and fears MATTER to them. How can a wife feel secure if she feels undervalued?
My own response to Liz has been the subject of my study these last few days. Do I truly cherish her? If so, how do my words (& thoughts!!) reflect that? When I find myself shutting her out or disagreeing with her, I have been consciously asking myself, "Is this cherishing?" It is an interesting exercise. It is making me change the way I think, the way I listen, and how I respond.
Cherish. It's a word that speaks of tenderness and care. Like a caress of the heart. Does your heart caress the heart of your spouse? Does the term tender mercies strike a chord in you? It should. It needs to.
Lamentations ch 3 says:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end.
Is my life, is your life, a reflection of that? How do you treat those around you? With mercy? With grace? With kindness? Too often I have fallen short of the mark. But I am working on it now!!!!!
* * * * *
Last time I wrote:
"Day 11 (7th Dec)
"Love cherishes.
"Liz is a part of me.
How does that change the way I interact with her or speak to her?
"Do I really treat her as well as I treat myself? Do I protect her from criticism as I would protect myself? Do I respect her needs as I respect my own?
" Or do I expect her to meet my needs? Not in the obvious ways - my "selfless" mask wouldn't let me do that ! ...
"What about my need for affirmation, or to feel good, to be touched, to be acknowledged or feel welcomed? What do I do? I often force my way in to her personal space and disregard Liz' feelings so I can feel better.
"That is NOT cherishing her as myself!!! Do I think negatively about things she has said, or do I CHERISH her and protect her?"
* * * * *
As we have already learned, love is so much more than emotion. Emotions come and go. When we allow our love to grow into genuine love, it becomes something deeper and permanent. It becomes a choice from the depths of my heart. As we go through the interaction and struggles of daily life, it is easy to become reactive, selfish, to perhaps take the other person for granted, and even to begin to see them through the eyes of our hurt. We make misjudgements about their motives, interpreting their actions in ways they never intended. I have been guilty of that.
I think sometimes I became caught in the pattern of "rejection", in which a person feels rejection and reads rejection into the words and actions of those closest to them. Perhaps it comes from a fear of loss, or from a sense of personal insufficiency. But something I have noticed is that when I feel rejected, I think I must behave in ways that then make Liz feel rejected. We both feel out of sorts (at least, I think that's how it is), and the reality is that neither wants to feel that way, and neither wants the other to feel that way.
So I make the choice to CHERISH her in all things. To stay in the "Appreciation Room". To reflect on the amazing qualities that I truly admire about her. To let Liz FEEL loved and wanted. To cherish. A bit like the old wedding vows:
... to love and to cherish ... as long as we both shall live (in all circumstances!)
Monday, 6 February 2012
Love Dare Day Ten
LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL
The author challenges us with the concept that unconditional love is about choice, and about taking on God's kind of love.
* * * * *
The second time around I wrote:
"Day 10 (7th Dec 2011)
"Love is unconditional.
"Agape love. Freely given by choice. God's kind of love.
"While friendship & romantic love are great and necessary in a marriage, unconditional love must be the real foundation.
"How unconditional is my love for Liz? Is my love dependent on her response? Is it dependent on common ground? If so, it would have an unstable foundation.
"When we first came to love, it was after many hours of conversation. We discovered a connection between our hearts. We enjoyed each other's company.
"When we met in person, we began to build a "normal" relationship. Our weaknesses came into play and problems arose. Expectations. Lust. Fears, on both sides. These became strong enough to destroy us. I thank God for his unconditional love which has held us together, at times just by a thread."
* * * * *
We are asked why we love our partner: why do I love Liz? If my answer focuses on temporal things, like her smile or her cooking or her supportiveness, then that would suggest my love was conditional. I can love those things about her, but my love should not be based on them.
How about the rest of the family? Do I genuinely love all of our children in a way that does not depend on their behaviour? How do I respond to their mistakes or even their deliberate faults? I may disagree or disapprove, but is my love unchanged?
I must say that although I truly believe my love for Liz is unconditional, my reactions and misunderstandings have been very conditional.
However:
Too often I misunderstood her, especially misunderstood her communication and actions. I misinterpreted them and felt judged, unloved, and my response was to become more insecure. In my insecurity I allowed myself to be drawn into conversations that I never should have had. I was convinced I was losing Liz, and totally misunderstood that she was crying out for me to be a MAN, to be a clear and strong leader she could trust. And I in my miserable self-pity nearly did destroy her love. Because I made assumptions.
All the time I thought I was loving her unconditionally. I was actually just expecting her to fit MY mould, MY expectations, and had backed her into a corner. I was destroying her and she was crying out to be heard. Talk about miscommunication! I am now deeply ashamed that I didn't listen with an open heart!!!
Now we have conversations about the same issues and I no longer feel threatened. I now understand that Liz is needing to be heard and I need to listen without feeling judged. What I assumed was judgment was just the sort of honest, genuine communication I had never known.
You see, even though I believed I was loving unconditionally, I was loving to be loved (if that makes sense). I don't think I really "got it" the first time through - a lot of my daily comments, while they were seeking to change myself - show me that a lot of how I had related to Liz, and indeed to everyone around me, was based on my own need for affirmation. So f I didn't feel affirmed, I fell into self-pity INSTEAD of looking to the greater needs of those I love.
Loving to be loved. I had to be challenged frequently until I understood. I think I loved with a platitude of unconditionality, but was really giving generously of myself because I needed a response. In my own insecurity I needed to know I was loved. I needed to undergo a journey of reevaluation, to come to terms with being the man I am, secure in myself, secure in my opinions, secure in God.
As I have referred elsewhere to the book The Resolution for Men, that other book has been challenging me to be a man who can be counted on, not because I try harder, but because I know the secret of being strong in myself (with God, of course). A man must never seek to find his identity in his family. He is supposed to give his family their identity. I was NOT that sort of man. If Liz didn't give me the affirmation I felt I needed, I felt hard-done-by, and sulked and fell into self-pity. I looked to blame others for how I felt. That is totally wrong!!
How was that unconditional love??? I have had to learn, by almost losing another marriage, to look for my own strength and from THAT vantage point, I am free to give love unconditionally. Because I don't need to seek it, and because I am able to CHOOSE to give it.
I'm not there yet, but I'm on the path.
How about you?
The author challenges us with the concept that unconditional love is about choice, and about taking on God's kind of love.
* * * * *
The second time around I wrote:
"Day 10 (7th Dec 2011)
"Love is unconditional.
"Agape love. Freely given by choice. God's kind of love.
"While friendship & romantic love are great and necessary in a marriage, unconditional love must be the real foundation.
"How unconditional is my love for Liz? Is my love dependent on her response? Is it dependent on common ground? If so, it would have an unstable foundation.
"When we first came to love, it was after many hours of conversation. We discovered a connection between our hearts. We enjoyed each other's company.
"When we met in person, we began to build a "normal" relationship. Our weaknesses came into play and problems arose. Expectations. Lust. Fears, on both sides. These became strong enough to destroy us. I thank God for his unconditional love which has held us together, at times just by a thread."
* * * * *
We are asked why we love our partner: why do I love Liz? If my answer focuses on temporal things, like her smile or her cooking or her supportiveness, then that would suggest my love was conditional. I can love those things about her, but my love should not be based on them.
How about the rest of the family? Do I genuinely love all of our children in a way that does not depend on their behaviour? How do I respond to their mistakes or even their deliberate faults? I may disagree or disapprove, but is my love unchanged?
I must say that although I truly believe my love for Liz is unconditional, my reactions and misunderstandings have been very conditional.
However:
Too often I misunderstood her, especially misunderstood her communication and actions. I misinterpreted them and felt judged, unloved, and my response was to become more insecure. In my insecurity I allowed myself to be drawn into conversations that I never should have had. I was convinced I was losing Liz, and totally misunderstood that she was crying out for me to be a MAN, to be a clear and strong leader she could trust. And I in my miserable self-pity nearly did destroy her love. Because I made assumptions.
All the time I thought I was loving her unconditionally. I was actually just expecting her to fit MY mould, MY expectations, and had backed her into a corner. I was destroying her and she was crying out to be heard. Talk about miscommunication! I am now deeply ashamed that I didn't listen with an open heart!!!
Now we have conversations about the same issues and I no longer feel threatened. I now understand that Liz is needing to be heard and I need to listen without feeling judged. What I assumed was judgment was just the sort of honest, genuine communication I had never known.
You see, even though I believed I was loving unconditionally, I was loving to be loved (if that makes sense). I don't think I really "got it" the first time through - a lot of my daily comments, while they were seeking to change myself - show me that a lot of how I had related to Liz, and indeed to everyone around me, was based on my own need for affirmation. So f I didn't feel affirmed, I fell into self-pity INSTEAD of looking to the greater needs of those I love.
Loving to be loved. I had to be challenged frequently until I understood. I think I loved with a platitude of unconditionality, but was really giving generously of myself because I needed a response. In my own insecurity I needed to know I was loved. I needed to undergo a journey of reevaluation, to come to terms with being the man I am, secure in myself, secure in my opinions, secure in God.
As I have referred elsewhere to the book The Resolution for Men, that other book has been challenging me to be a man who can be counted on, not because I try harder, but because I know the secret of being strong in myself (with God, of course). A man must never seek to find his identity in his family. He is supposed to give his family their identity. I was NOT that sort of man. If Liz didn't give me the affirmation I felt I needed, I felt hard-done-by, and sulked and fell into self-pity. I looked to blame others for how I felt. That is totally wrong!!
How was that unconditional love??? I have had to learn, by almost losing another marriage, to look for my own strength and from THAT vantage point, I am free to give love unconditionally. Because I don't need to seek it, and because I am able to CHOOSE to give it.
I'm not there yet, but I'm on the path.
How about you?
Friday, 3 February 2012
My Thoughts For You (new song)
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
Thoughts of peace and not of evil,
A future and a hope;
My thoughts for you are good,
Says the Lord.
So I'll rejoice in the Lord always;
Again I say rejoice;
I will live with the knowing
That He is close to me;
So my life can reflect His glory.
Anxious for nothing, Lord,
But praying with thanksgiving,
Worshipping, asking in faith.
With His peace overflowing
My heart and my mind;
Singing faith, hope and love,
These three combined.
So I'll sing songs of praise,
Declaring the glory of God;
I'm depending on His grace,
Thinking on the good things,
With love and mercy
Speaking words of life.
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
For I know the thoughts that I think about you;
Thoughts of peace and not of evil,
A future and a hope;
My thoughts for you are good,
Says the Lord.
c.2012 M. Scott-Branagan
Love Dare Day Nine
(3rd Feb)
LOVE CREATES GOOD IMPRESSIONS
How do I greet Liz? The author asks how I greet others? Friends? Colleagues? Strangers? Don't we give them warm & polite greetings, usually with a big smile (I guess partly because we were taught to be polite, and partly because something inside us wants to be well accepted also).
The author then asks the pertinent question:
Doesn't your spouse deserve the same? Times ten?
Most days I come home, my routine is as follows:
As soon as I'm in the door, I say "Hello";
I greet each person in some way.
I hug Jess & Lizzie if they come to greet me, or kiss them on their heads if they are seated doing homework.
I kiss Liz on the head or cheek, whatever is appropriate for the moment. I stop and ask how she is.
I ask people how their day was. I then usually make a cup of tea for Liz and myself (unless someone else has already done so).
This is in some form my usual homecoming. Occasionally (rare because we are not financially well-off) I will bring Liz a rose or a card as well.
Now please recall my note on Jan 1. Day One, Patience. Notice that this was the start of my third time through this journey called The Love Dare. I read the chapter on Patience on the way to work. On the way home I read over my notes in my i-Phone (which is where I usually prepare my blogs). Then I fell and hurt myself getting off the bus, misinterpreted something Liz said, and came home irritable. How foolish!
But do you know (I am saying this to emphasize the importance of impressions and greetings), with all the many nice greetings I give, the greeting from that impatient, grumpy homecoming 9 days ago created a negative experience for my family that undid some of my positive work.
It is so very important that we ALWAYS give our best, and NEVER allow ourselves to less than it. How I behave at home affects the ones I love.
I am suitably chastened by this experience. All I really want is to give my best to all my family. To greet ALL of them with warmth and acceptance. To let them all know they are valued and appreciated. And loved. That is my choice. That is what I fully intend to keep doing.
The author states that how I greet my family tells them they are valued. I can increase or decrease their sense of self worth by the way I treat them. How do I treat them? Some better than others, I fear! Time for me to fix that too!!!
LOVE CREATES GOOD IMPRESSIONS
How do I greet Liz? The author asks how I greet others? Friends? Colleagues? Strangers? Don't we give them warm & polite greetings, usually with a big smile (I guess partly because we were taught to be polite, and partly because something inside us wants to be well accepted also).
The author then asks the pertinent question:
Doesn't your spouse deserve the same? Times ten?
Most days I come home, my routine is as follows:
As soon as I'm in the door, I say "Hello";
I greet each person in some way.
I hug Jess & Lizzie if they come to greet me, or kiss them on their heads if they are seated doing homework.
I kiss Liz on the head or cheek, whatever is appropriate for the moment. I stop and ask how she is.
I ask people how their day was. I then usually make a cup of tea for Liz and myself (unless someone else has already done so).
This is in some form my usual homecoming. Occasionally (rare because we are not financially well-off) I will bring Liz a rose or a card as well.
Now please recall my note on Jan 1. Day One, Patience. Notice that this was the start of my third time through this journey called The Love Dare. I read the chapter on Patience on the way to work. On the way home I read over my notes in my i-Phone (which is where I usually prepare my blogs). Then I fell and hurt myself getting off the bus, misinterpreted something Liz said, and came home irritable. How foolish!
But do you know (I am saying this to emphasize the importance of impressions and greetings), with all the many nice greetings I give, the greeting from that impatient, grumpy homecoming 9 days ago created a negative experience for my family that undid some of my positive work.
It is so very important that we ALWAYS give our best, and NEVER allow ourselves to less than it. How I behave at home affects the ones I love.
I am suitably chastened by this experience. All I really want is to give my best to all my family. To greet ALL of them with warmth and acceptance. To let them all know they are valued and appreciated. And loved. That is my choice. That is what I fully intend to keep doing.
The author states that how I greet my family tells them they are valued. I can increase or decrease their sense of self worth by the way I treat them. How do I treat them? Some better than others, I fear! Time for me to fix that too!!!
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Love Dare Day Eight
LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS.
In this chapter of The Love Dare, we discuss issues of jealousy.
Firstly the author talks about good jealousy, the kind which is legitimate, which protects and is based on relationship, commitment and loyalty. He explains that even God is jealous - in the right way.
Then we turn to the other type, which is rooted in selfishness. The kind that loses its peace when someone else has something better than what we have. This may be success, promotion, sport result, a better life, even the fact that they appear blessed where we feel we are missing out.
So here we are looking at feelings of being left out, pushed aside, not good enough, and other emotions. After all, jealousy comes from insecurity, a sense of lack.
In The Love Dare we are challenged to be proactive in dealing with this human tendency. Rejoice when my partner has a win. Rejoice that she is better than I am at certain things. To not allow insecurity the room inside my heart to cause me to resent anything about her.
Ultimately, I guess jealousy is a byproduct of resentment towards another person, and is usually irrational. Here again is a good time to think on the comments I made yesterday and the day before. To guard our hearts, and fight any urge to be irritable towards the ones we love.
I have certainly been irritable as I confessed. I have plenty of faults, but I don't think I struggle much with jealousy. Of course, others who look in objectively may disagree. I don't think they will.
However, this is a great time to focus on building up my wife. In The Love Dare, Day 7, there is the talk of rooms of Appreciation & Depreciation. The challenge given was to write to separate pages, of the thoughts I have about Liz, one page for the negatives an one for the positives.
Then on Day 8, we are asked to read the 2 pages again, then to burn the Depreciation page. So I symbolically burned the thoughts and memories that were negative.
Since the first time through, I have of course slipped too often into the Depreciation Room. But then I have remembered and repented of being there. I want to only think on the good things.
Paul wrote:
Finally brethren, if there is anything that is true, anything that is noble, righteous or pure; if anything is lovely or of good report; if there is any virtue, anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.
(Phil 5:9)
A great challenge! To not allow myself the luxury of negative thoughts (which sap the life out of me), but to focus only on good things. Wouldn't we all be happier people? And nicer to be around!!!
Let me be like that.
The Dare for today is to destroy the Depreciation Room, and to find something to praise in my wife. I did that last night!!! Now I will have to find something else to praise her for. Isnt it good that she has plenty of good in her?!!
In this chapter of The Love Dare, we discuss issues of jealousy.
Firstly the author talks about good jealousy, the kind which is legitimate, which protects and is based on relationship, commitment and loyalty. He explains that even God is jealous - in the right way.
Then we turn to the other type, which is rooted in selfishness. The kind that loses its peace when someone else has something better than what we have. This may be success, promotion, sport result, a better life, even the fact that they appear blessed where we feel we are missing out.
So here we are looking at feelings of being left out, pushed aside, not good enough, and other emotions. After all, jealousy comes from insecurity, a sense of lack.
In The Love Dare we are challenged to be proactive in dealing with this human tendency. Rejoice when my partner has a win. Rejoice that she is better than I am at certain things. To not allow insecurity the room inside my heart to cause me to resent anything about her.
Ultimately, I guess jealousy is a byproduct of resentment towards another person, and is usually irrational. Here again is a good time to think on the comments I made yesterday and the day before. To guard our hearts, and fight any urge to be irritable towards the ones we love.
I have certainly been irritable as I confessed. I have plenty of faults, but I don't think I struggle much with jealousy. Of course, others who look in objectively may disagree. I don't think they will.
However, this is a great time to focus on building up my wife. In The Love Dare, Day 7, there is the talk of rooms of Appreciation & Depreciation. The challenge given was to write to separate pages, of the thoughts I have about Liz, one page for the negatives an one for the positives.
Then on Day 8, we are asked to read the 2 pages again, then to burn the Depreciation page. So I symbolically burned the thoughts and memories that were negative.
Since the first time through, I have of course slipped too often into the Depreciation Room. But then I have remembered and repented of being there. I want to only think on the good things.
Paul wrote:
Finally brethren, if there is anything that is true, anything that is noble, righteous or pure; if anything is lovely or of good report; if there is any virtue, anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.
(Phil 5:9)
A great challenge! To not allow myself the luxury of negative thoughts (which sap the life out of me), but to focus only on good things. Wouldn't we all be happier people? And nicer to be around!!!
Let me be like that.
The Dare for today is to destroy the Depreciation Room, and to find something to praise in my wife. I did that last night!!! Now I will have to find something else to praise her for. Isnt it good that she has plenty of good in her?!!
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Day Seven
Day 7 (1st Feb 2012)
Love believes the best.
The author writes about 2 "rooms" in the hidden & private corridors of the heart. Two rooms that we often frequent. One is positive & the other is negative. Unfortunately for our relationships, human nature leads us to spend more time visiting the wrong room.
He calls these the Appreciation Room & the Depreciation Room.
The concept being promoted in The Love Dare is to write down all the things that "bug", annoy, frustrate, hurt you in your relationship, then burn them. Commit to yourself that you will never again go into the Depreciation Room except to pray positively for them. When you were in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, you liked more things about your partner. It's time to focus on those, and to choose to emark on a lifetime of finding praise points about her. Live continually in the Appreciation Room.
Pick somebody you know: not just your spouse, but it could be a sibling or cousin or workmate. You know things about that person that belong in the Appreciation Room, AND things for the Depreciation Room. Everybody has good points, and things in their lives that are less pleasing when they look "in the mirror".
Now think about your spouse. Before you married, your Appreciation Room was filled with him/her. Even the faults seemed to fit in there!
Of course, the challenge today is to deal with what's in the Depreciation Room.
* * * * *
Many years ago, I heard a great sermon about dealing with offence. Offences will come to all of us. If we choose to be people of love, then we need to make a choice to respond as people of love.
Will I judge and condemn? Will I feel sorry for myself? Will I speak good things?
I like the old saying:
"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
I have been working hard on that in my own life. Sometimes I slip and it ends up hurting those I love, as I said yesterday. That comes when we forget to let go, and we hold in our feelings instead of talking honestly and gently through it.
I have been learning that it's not enough just to try to control my tongue. I must choose to not let myself THINK anything negative. Negative thoughts destroy my inner peace and I become cranky. Even if I try to hide it, it comes out and hurts those I love. So I must not even THINK negative thoughts. They are too damaging.
* * * * *
There is a great challenge in Galatians chapter 6:
Sow to the flesh & you'll reap death.
Sow to the Spirit & you'll reap life.
Don't get tired of doing what is good, for there will be a good harvest if we don't give up.
My choice is to speak and pray blessing and good words for 3 reasons:
1) To bring a good harvest for my wife and family.
2) To stop myself from destroying my life and my family with negative thoughts.
3) To set an example and to be an agent of peace in my home.
The sermon I referred to earlier challenged us:
Don't nurse your offense;
Don't curse the situation (ie just speak positive things)
Don't rehearse it (don't play over it in my mind, don't make it bigger, don't plan words to say next time in argument!)
Instead:
Disperse it (by giving it to God;) &
Reverse it (by changing the atmosphere with blessing and good words, thoughts & prayers).
The challenge: to tell your beloved something good about them that you like.
Liz has so many great qualities. She is a VERY caring and loving person, who is not afraid to speak about things that matter. Because she loves. I have in the past stuck my head in the sand. She gives and gives of herself to those she loves. I can really respect and honour that. She also has so much wisdom and understanding of life, I stand in awe. I have made so many mistakes, and it amazes me how much more aware and knowledgable she is. She is also so creative. Anyone who sees her blogs will testify to that - she has only had her camera a short time, but what AMAZING photography already.
Love believes the best.
The author writes about 2 "rooms" in the hidden & private corridors of the heart. Two rooms that we often frequent. One is positive & the other is negative. Unfortunately for our relationships, human nature leads us to spend more time visiting the wrong room.
He calls these the Appreciation Room & the Depreciation Room.
The concept being promoted in The Love Dare is to write down all the things that "bug", annoy, frustrate, hurt you in your relationship, then burn them. Commit to yourself that you will never again go into the Depreciation Room except to pray positively for them. When you were in the "honeymoon" phase of your relationship, you liked more things about your partner. It's time to focus on those, and to choose to emark on a lifetime of finding praise points about her. Live continually in the Appreciation Room.
Pick somebody you know: not just your spouse, but it could be a sibling or cousin or workmate. You know things about that person that belong in the Appreciation Room, AND things for the Depreciation Room. Everybody has good points, and things in their lives that are less pleasing when they look "in the mirror".
Now think about your spouse. Before you married, your Appreciation Room was filled with him/her. Even the faults seemed to fit in there!
Of course, the challenge today is to deal with what's in the Depreciation Room.
* * * * *
Many years ago, I heard a great sermon about dealing with offence. Offences will come to all of us. If we choose to be people of love, then we need to make a choice to respond as people of love.
Will I judge and condemn? Will I feel sorry for myself? Will I speak good things?
I like the old saying:
"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."
I have been working hard on that in my own life. Sometimes I slip and it ends up hurting those I love, as I said yesterday. That comes when we forget to let go, and we hold in our feelings instead of talking honestly and gently through it.
I have been learning that it's not enough just to try to control my tongue. I must choose to not let myself THINK anything negative. Negative thoughts destroy my inner peace and I become cranky. Even if I try to hide it, it comes out and hurts those I love. So I must not even THINK negative thoughts. They are too damaging.
* * * * *
There is a great challenge in Galatians chapter 6:
Sow to the flesh & you'll reap death.
Sow to the Spirit & you'll reap life.
Don't get tired of doing what is good, for there will be a good harvest if we don't give up.
My choice is to speak and pray blessing and good words for 3 reasons:
1) To bring a good harvest for my wife and family.
2) To stop myself from destroying my life and my family with negative thoughts.
3) To set an example and to be an agent of peace in my home.
The sermon I referred to earlier challenged us:
Don't nurse your offense;
Don't curse the situation (ie just speak positive things)
Don't rehearse it (don't play over it in my mind, don't make it bigger, don't plan words to say next time in argument!)
Instead:
Disperse it (by giving it to God;) &
Reverse it (by changing the atmosphere with blessing and good words, thoughts & prayers).
The challenge: to tell your beloved something good about them that you like.
Liz has so many great qualities. She is a VERY caring and loving person, who is not afraid to speak about things that matter. Because she loves. I have in the past stuck my head in the sand. She gives and gives of herself to those she loves. I can really respect and honour that. She also has so much wisdom and understanding of life, I stand in awe. I have made so many mistakes, and it amazes me how much more aware and knowledgable she is. She is also so creative. Anyone who sees her blogs will testify to that - she has only had her camera a short time, but what AMAZING photography already.
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Day 6
Day 6
Love is not Irritable
Before I continue, I must comment: I needed to take a short break to deal with issues of my heart. The question I raised about communication is still unresolved, and I need to continue down that path, but I realized it has sidetracked me from the Love Dare. So I will post the other thoughts on another page as they come to me.
I also needed to return to this study for my own growth.
Love is not irritable.
If you had asked me earlier, I would have assured you that I am not an irritable person. The many things in daily life that irritate many people around me don't affect me at all. I find it hard to understand how people let small things become huge problems.
Until I hit this study. Third time around. I'm a bit slow, aren't I?!!!!!
So this chapter quotes Prov 16:32,
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, & he who RULES HIS SPIRIT, than he who captures a city.
Am I hard to offend & quick to forgive? I thought I was. But it had to be pointed out to me that I had developed a habit of snapping at certain family members. I actually thought I was speaking with gentleness & self-control, having made a commitment to genuinely share my opinions. But apparently my irritability was even showing on my face! This shocked me.
Isn't it amazing - how we believe the masks we are wearing? So I have had to admit that there was irritability in my heart - towards people I actually love!! I don't want that. So I chose to pray and deal with this sinful response. I choose to love them. They are precious to me. So why would I allow myself to be irritated? This is why I took a few days off from my posts - I needed time to pull myself, my heart back into line.
"Hard to offend & quick to forgive." That's my choice.
My reading challenges me to ask myself,
Am I a calming breeze, or a storm waiting to happen?
Do I make a positive difference in my family?
How about you?
* * * * *
The author suggests 2 key influences in becoming irritable. Stress & selfishness.
Stress can be caused by relational issues, excessive causes, & deficiencies.
Relational: arguing, division, bitterness.
Excessive: overwork, overplaying, overspending.
Deficiencies: poor rest, nutrition or exercise.
Living wisely and sensibly helps reduce the stress. Taking time to rest, to worship, to relate. Living according to the guidelines in God's Word.
Selfishness: The author argues that irritability ultimately comes from the heart. Irritability indicates a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity in place of love. He brings up issues like lust, bitterness, greed & pride. We are challenged to let love enter our heart, calm us down and inspire us to quit focussing on ourselves.
Forgive. Be grateful. Be content. Be happy when someone else succeeds.
Allow yourself to rest in relationship with God, & you will rest more in your relationships at home.
* * * * *
I have to make the observation that again I found myself spending more time praying for our marriage, & our family, than in genuine communion with God. Again I make the choice to correct that imbalance. A man MUST pray for his family and his wife plenty! But we need most of all to build our personal relationship with God. Without that, I have nothing to give.
* * * * *
My challenge to me:
Again, focus more on God.
And choose to love and NEVER be selfish, stressed & irritable.
Sleep when I need to, as my beautiful wife often says - I stay awake too long sometimes, and she says "If you're tired, go to bed. " I need to take note.
Do I want to be irritable? NEVER.
Do I want to hurt the ones I love? NO.
Then it's time to rest in who I am and ENJOY the company of my wife and our children. Really enjoy. I thought I did. Now I make a fresh choice to bring peace, joy & love in our home.
So the suggestion would be to stop, examine my day each night:
The Love Dare is a great time to reassess my life according to the Law of Love.
How has my day been? How loving was I? Love is not a sentimental feeling: it is chosen way of life. In the words of 1 Corinthians 13 via The Love Dare:
Love is patient (Day 1)
Love is kind (Day 2)
Love is unselfish (Day 3)
Love is thoughtful (Day 4)
Love is not rude (Day 5)
Love is not irritable (Day 6)
Love believes the best (wait for tomorrow! Day 7)
Looking at my behaviour at the end of each day, if I want to see how loving I have been, I can line my thoughts, words & actions up with these 7 qualities of love. What a challenge to help me grow!!!
How about you?
Love is not Irritable
Before I continue, I must comment: I needed to take a short break to deal with issues of my heart. The question I raised about communication is still unresolved, and I need to continue down that path, but I realized it has sidetracked me from the Love Dare. So I will post the other thoughts on another page as they come to me.
I also needed to return to this study for my own growth.
Love is not irritable.
If you had asked me earlier, I would have assured you that I am not an irritable person. The many things in daily life that irritate many people around me don't affect me at all. I find it hard to understand how people let small things become huge problems.
Until I hit this study. Third time around. I'm a bit slow, aren't I?!!!!!
So this chapter quotes Prov 16:32,
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, & he who RULES HIS SPIRIT, than he who captures a city.
Am I hard to offend & quick to forgive? I thought I was. But it had to be pointed out to me that I had developed a habit of snapping at certain family members. I actually thought I was speaking with gentleness & self-control, having made a commitment to genuinely share my opinions. But apparently my irritability was even showing on my face! This shocked me.
Isn't it amazing - how we believe the masks we are wearing? So I have had to admit that there was irritability in my heart - towards people I actually love!! I don't want that. So I chose to pray and deal with this sinful response. I choose to love them. They are precious to me. So why would I allow myself to be irritated? This is why I took a few days off from my posts - I needed time to pull myself, my heart back into line.
"Hard to offend & quick to forgive." That's my choice.
My reading challenges me to ask myself,
Am I a calming breeze, or a storm waiting to happen?
Do I make a positive difference in my family?
How about you?
* * * * *
The author suggests 2 key influences in becoming irritable. Stress & selfishness.
Stress can be caused by relational issues, excessive causes, & deficiencies.
Relational: arguing, division, bitterness.
Excessive: overwork, overplaying, overspending.
Deficiencies: poor rest, nutrition or exercise.
Living wisely and sensibly helps reduce the stress. Taking time to rest, to worship, to relate. Living according to the guidelines in God's Word.
Selfishness: The author argues that irritability ultimately comes from the heart. Irritability indicates a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity in place of love. He brings up issues like lust, bitterness, greed & pride. We are challenged to let love enter our heart, calm us down and inspire us to quit focussing on ourselves.
Forgive. Be grateful. Be content. Be happy when someone else succeeds.
Allow yourself to rest in relationship with God, & you will rest more in your relationships at home.
* * * * *
I have to make the observation that again I found myself spending more time praying for our marriage, & our family, than in genuine communion with God. Again I make the choice to correct that imbalance. A man MUST pray for his family and his wife plenty! But we need most of all to build our personal relationship with God. Without that, I have nothing to give.
* * * * *
My challenge to me:
Again, focus more on God.
And choose to love and NEVER be selfish, stressed & irritable.
Sleep when I need to, as my beautiful wife often says - I stay awake too long sometimes, and she says "If you're tired, go to bed. " I need to take note.
Do I want to be irritable? NEVER.
Do I want to hurt the ones I love? NO.
Then it's time to rest in who I am and ENJOY the company of my wife and our children. Really enjoy. I thought I did. Now I make a fresh choice to bring peace, joy & love in our home.
So the suggestion would be to stop, examine my day each night:
The Love Dare is a great time to reassess my life according to the Law of Love.
How has my day been? How loving was I? Love is not a sentimental feeling: it is chosen way of life. In the words of 1 Corinthians 13 via The Love Dare:
Love is patient (Day 1)
Love is kind (Day 2)
Love is unselfish (Day 3)
Love is thoughtful (Day 4)
Love is not rude (Day 5)
Love is not irritable (Day 6)
Love believes the best (wait for tomorrow! Day 7)
Looking at my behaviour at the end of each day, if I want to see how loving I have been, I can line my thoughts, words & actions up with these 7 qualities of love. What a challenge to help me grow!!!
How about you?
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